The Overflow

There are some pains you don't cry about. The ones that are too deep and too disheartening to give thought to. So you hold back.

And you know that even if you tried to let it free, it would take forever to mend the overflow. 

The Lack Thereof Theory

I have a theory:

I feel like girls who aren't close with their fathers seek out more male attention than those who are pretty close. 

Do tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I see this pattern in many of my companions. Heck, I think in this way too! 

Let's be honest. I'm not super close with my dad. Just don't get along and it's complicated, really. 

My high school years, I was a tad boy crazy. Alright, maybe not a tad, but I loved the attention!

I still crave male attention! Me and my dad's relationship has not improved in any way at all since high school. There is really. Just a lack, thereof. 

It stinks.

 I really would like to have a man in my life that I look up to, feel protected by, can be open with, and just totally loved by! 

Not having those feelings sucks! 

Wait a sec, before you say anything, I know I am loved, protected, and cared for by the an amazing amazing man: Jesus. I am beyond thankful for that. 

But this earthly father that God presented me with...what am I to do? 

I know that the lack of love here caused me to turn elsewhere for it. 

I still crave that same desire to be wanted and cared for, but I have to constantly remind myself that I should never abandon my father, for I was meant for him and he for me. 

I may not know the reason, but God does and I trust God has the best of reasons, beyond any I can ever fathom. 

It makes me sad, that awkward tension and lonliness and frustrations keep my dad and I apart. Sometimes, I feel like it will never go away. In fact, aside from the heartbreak of caring for my grandmother, I think this situation has to be the runner up. 

I think I'll be ok. 

Lex 

They keep

telling me to listen to my head

But my heart is lonely

It longs for fulfillment. 

It desires for a passion.

It wants to give a piece of itself away which is, I feel more admirable, than the courses my head would take. 

Heart Beats

I like your heart beat. 

I like the way it sounds.

I like that you allow me to get close enough, not only to your anatomical structure, but to your mind, too. 

I like the way I can feel it flow through your hand into mine when we hold each other at night. 

Each pulse flows from your vein to mine, intertwining into the jumble of emotions and potions I'll never seem to unwind. 

Back Burner Life

Awhile back ago it seems I got my heart kind of hurt. 

I'm going to be real with you and tell you I tried to fill in the cracks. 

I found a replacement soon after and I accidentally started to develop the feels. 

Well today, we had a discussion that being just friends is an ok thing. 

I feel sad.

But I'm also relieved becuase I KNEW  from the beginning it would never have worked out. We are two completely different people that love the same things. Weird right? He likes hot chocolate. I like coffee. But we both like jazz lounges.

Why was I looking forward to a lost cause?

You know what though? I'm glad it was now than later. Imagine if I had fallen in love with the guy and then we had this talk. I'd be pretty devastated.

So ya. It sucks. I'm not going to lie and say I'm currently happy but maybe it's God saying,"two times in a row I've taken out guys that weren't for you. Just pause and let me take care of everything you goob."

Funny because then I saw this today. 

I want my heart to fully heal before I like someone again. It didn't get that chance. It's been toyed with and lied to and stuck and hopeless and I'm over that. 

I want a guy who's going to full on pursue me. Not leave me guessing & get my hopes up.

So ya. I guess that's that! 

We're still totally friends though. 

It was nice to get my mind off the past heartbreak for awhile. 

You know, Truth is, no matter how long ago it was,  how it ended and what was lost it will still affect me. 

I have my moments where I'm angry at the situation or myself or just sad because I lost a friend. 

I never meant for what happened to happen. 

I know It shouldn't even be a thought in my head, but when you see posts about new relationships flourishing over social media it just makes you think...well what the heck? Where in the world...? Why? 

And it hurts your feelings because it happened within a moments notice. 

I tend to get left on the back burner a lot. I'm trying to figure out why still. 

But I think when it comes down to it I just need to chill out. 

I had a Tinder dude. HAD.

I deleted it today becuase what's the point anymore? 

Half the guys on there want something more than a meetup for a chimichanga. 

I don't need to look there for a good guy. 

So that's done. 

No more "looking" 

No hoping 

No wishing 

No waiting 

Just pausing 

Being thankful for what I have & what is yet to come 

Well here's my hearts content for tonight. 

It feels better getting it all out. 

I feel much better. Thank you for listening (: 

Did you have a good thanksgiving? Are you pumped for Christmas?!? 

I'm going to CaliChristmas on Friday!!! I'm so stoked!!! 

Ttfn

Lex 

Jake Ramdhani

This is my Jake.  He's half weiner dog and half Pekingese. He's like my best friend. We tell each other everything. I tell him I ate all the Nutella in the house. He tells me where he peed in the house. All in all, I love this dude. 

The PP's

I don't know about you, but I'm a girl.
And with that treasure, you get Shark Weeks. 

I'm talking PP's today.
Period Problems. 

(que dramatic music)

my whole life I've had awful, awful, awful PP's
I get the cramps, the breakouts, the anger, the bloating, the constipation, all of it. 
I use so many pain relievers I wouldn't be surprised if my stomach ulcers had ulcers. 
Kidding. 

Anyways. it stinks.
Today, this guy I just met in my class kept on trying to talk me & all I wanted to do
was sit there...in silence....in my agony.
I. Wanted. To. Go. Home.
but i still had an hour. 
it was the most destructive hour of my life.

then i was driving home and I rode everybody's tail
now i do not usually commit such a crime
& i hate when people do it to me
but it was an emergency

then some construction workers were working on my street
& i yelled at one of them from out my window that he needed
to get out of the street so I could go home and use the bathroom.

...can't believe i did that

when you are experiencing the PP's...like you're a whole new person. 

I was listening to the radio and this girl came on and she talked about how happy 
she was that she was expecting. I told her, as if she could hear me, that her baby's name was ugly.

sorry future octavia.
(and if your name is that, im sorry. it's not ugly)

i went home. went to bed. used a heating a pad. ate some cookie dough.
a chocolate chip cookie. 4 sugar cooke christmas edition ones. and some lentil soup 

then i watched 5 episodes of Seinfeld.

then I laid in my bed for 3 hours. 

and now im tired and am ready for bed & it is 7 o'clock pm. 

I know (from personal experience) that if I cut the dairy & sugar & take my calcium & magnesium supplements, this won't happen. 
but it did. & I like cheese & cookies. 

Maybe next month. 

Picture from my bedroom

I like that you like a little gloom

11.11.14

Why You Are Worth So Much More Than You Know

So, I'm actually supposed to be writing a paper for a project but I decided writing you was more important because I feel like you may need to hear this today. I don't know who it is to, but as soon as I got home I felt like I needed to write this. So if it's for you, I'm so glad. Know you are treasured.

Do you know how much you're worth?
I mean do you really?

All the time you keep comparing yourself & putting yourself down.
I know you do. I see it in your eyes.
You might be putting up this front like you know you've got it goin' on.
But deep down, you're hurting.
There's a large casm filled with void, emptiness.
When you try to fill it, you find that you just dig yourself even deeper.
I know this. I know you. You're just like me.

As a chick, finding our sense of self is so hard. We are just so dang hard on ourselves.
We want to be popular, beautiful, talented, intelligent, wealthy and somehow be able to attract the species unknown: the male.
I know for myself, I have never thought too highly of myself ( as you can read in past bloggies. )
I never really thought there was too much to me. Last night I was thinking to myself...Actually can I show you the conversation I had with myself? Ok.

Alexis: Sheesh. Why do I even have friends?
Why do people stick around for me?
What is it that makes me so special to them?

Alexis: (ponders) hmmm. I really don't think I have the answer to this equation.

Alexis: (still pondering) Maybe...just maybe there is no answer...

Alexis: Right! like that time you took geometry and new nothing and you bombed!

Alexis: Well, sort of. I mean I'm taking Philosophy and I still don't feel like I know the material, but I did ace my midterm.

Alexis: (applause) Right! I remember that! Anyways. Maybe that's it. Maybe the answer is not in finding yourself, alone. Maybe you need help. It took all that tutoring to get you that A! Now where do I find that help?

Alexis: Friends are good.

Alexis: Family is 'aight.

Alexis: God is good.

Alexis: So, the reason people like me is why?

Alexis: Because you're you. There need not be a reason. Even when you feel like you have no friends there is a God out there that desires your attention. He made you into this oh-so-special being. You are one of a kind. Everyone is. That's what makes you unique. That is why people like you! You are not like anyone else. You are you.

So, after having this dialogue with myself I realized that maybe I should be thinking better of myself. I mean, pshh. No one has a lisp like me that's for sure. ( And if you do, high-five lisp buddy!!)

I want you to take a moment. Turn off your music. Put your phone on silent & I really want you to hear me out because tears are falling out of my eyes. I can't tell you why, but the silence and peace is so nice and I want you to truly understand when I ask you to do this.

Think about YOU for a moment. Don't worry. I won't look. All my insecurities are flooding out, too.

Answer this: who are you?

Sit in this question for about 5 minutes. Here in the quite. Listen for God. He will talk to you, I promise.

HOLD ON. Don't look down yet until your 5 is up young lady!






I took the 5. Did you take the 5?
Well. I cried.
I don't even know why I'm crying, but I've felt your pain before.
I know what it's like.
It's ok.
You're not alone.
It's ok to cry, too.
It's also ok to ask your pals for a hug. Sometimes I just need one.
I just need affirmation that I'm loved.
It's also ok to be alone for a bit, but I encourage to talk to people and let them know what's going on. Sadness loves isolation. Take it from someone that knows. When you feel bad after eating a donut. You don't want to be buddy-buddy with the treadmill for a bit. It's ok. But eventually you just have to face it!
Talk to people. They want to listen.

I want to share some verses from my Bible that I have highlighted, if that is ok with you.

Matthew 5:4 ~ "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted?"
Matt 6:25 ~ "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear."
Matt 7:7-8 ~ "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matt 10:29-31 ~ "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even they very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Matt 11:28 ~ "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Luke 12:32 ~ " Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom." 
1 Cor 1:7 ~ "...you do not lack any spiritual gifts..."
Psalm 139:14~ "I praise You, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

I hope that for the time being, these give you some encouragement.

Now I want you go listen to "Mystery" & "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham & know you're wonderful and you are made by a God like no other. (haha there is no other)

Sit in on these songs. Listen to their words and let God move in you. He has so many plans for you. He loves you dearly. He knows your hurt. He knows your pains and sadnesses. He also can't tell you enough how proud He is to have you as a daughter. You make him so happy.
He gave you this book. It's called the Bible. If you want to know just how much more you are cherished, please read it. He will tell you everyday just how great you are.

I don't know who you are reading this right now, but you should know that you are treasure and loved and cared for by one of the mightiest forces on this planet.
Also by me. I love ya! You're a great person.
You don't need that boy.
You don't need that desire of your flesh.
You don't need stuff.
You don't need to feel alone.
You never will be.
You don't need to be super popular.
You don't need to be in the best shape ever.
God wants to fulfill every broken piece of your heart you feel. LET HIM.

I found this "letter from the lord" off an instagram post by JCLU. I love it and it's written on the front of my journal to read during my Slytherin times (like you know how Draco Malfoy is always mean and nasty and shady and just a slytherin. ya. that is what i call my dark times). It's a good read. Here. you read it. I think you'll like it:

"My Princess, You are never alone, my beloved. When you hurt, I hurt and it breaks my heart to watch you cry without me. I am here with you, desiring to be the shoulder your tears fall on. I too walked the world broken, my love. We will work through any and all things together, my princess. I can and will heal your broken heart. Call out my name, Jesus, in your dark hours, and I will hold you. Will you give me a chance to love you back to life again? I promise that you will see the light of a new day and joy will come again.
-the Lord"

Every time I read this I just get the chills!!
Hey. He's trying to tell you something.

We love you. You are so cool! You should know that.
So don't question your worth. Know in this moment, that to me. To God. To your buddies. Your family.

You, my doll, are worth so much more than you know.



Your's truly,
your lex

My Insecurites- chopped off.

My hair got cut yesterday. 

It hasn't been this short since like 6th grade. 

If you've grown up having long hair you know how much it means to you. 

I grew up with a lot of insecurities regarding my weight, my looks & my lisp. 

My hair, was always something I could hide behind. It protected me from things that I saw in myself that I didn't like. A lot of times I just really don't like how I look. Sometimes I think I'm too chubby. Sometimes I think my face doesn't look nice. Sometimes I think,"Geesh, how do I even have friends?" I thought that was the one "pretty" thing about me, my hair. It made me feel like I was confident. But now, I'm starting to understand that confidence has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with inner strength. That is where true beauty lies. A woman's confidence is not determined by how long her hair is, how skinny she is and whether or not she has a lisp. Confidence is measured by the where the heart lies. Where your heart lies, that's where you find a unique confidence specific to who you are. 

I realized after suffering a mini anxiety attack during the process that my long hair was a curtain, hiding the hidden sunshine. 

I feel good, dude. My hair was not only weighing down my natural curls but also the weight of the past! 

It's been chopped off and it feels, literally and figuratively, great! 

What hurts my feelings.

I'm not a perfect person. Sometimes I too forget to take my clothes out of the dryer when they're done, reply to an important email, read my bible as often as I should. 

I'm human. I'm 20. Im just trying to live on a budget and time frame that says: Rush and save. 

Sometimes I forget to live in the moment, but if there's one thing that I treasure is relationships. 

Even with my dog! I make sure I'm taking time to spend with him. That little guy is important to me. As are my human companions. 

Occasionally we humans tend do things that just kind of bite. Here's what you we do that stinks: 

• judge. Stop it. You know you do it. I do it, shoot. Sometimes people wear dumb hats and I'm like,"why the heck are you wearing that?" But I could never know that their deceased grandma gave them that hat. I don't know! But we do it and it hurts people. 

• write,call,text back. If I call you. If I text you. If I email you. If I know you saw it. Just say,"hey I saw your message. Can you give me a moment to get back to you? I'm making toast. (.....?)" Acknowledging that you saw an effort being made to get in touch with you should be humbling. Rarely do people make that effort to check up on others. Why can't we do it more? And if you're not. Put the toast down and do it. Don't go burnin' friendships. 

•call me lazy or anything else that doesn't make sense. Only I can call me lazy when I have the say of when being lazy is ok. Otherwise, don't call me lazy. I don't call you lazy. Nor do I call you other dumb names that have no resemblance of who I am. Like, are we even friends? 

•tell me things I don't need to hear. It's not that I don't care about an old fling being happy in a relationship now. But I don't care. Does this make sense? I care about the fling, but don't tell me they're happy with someone else if I didn't even bother asking becuase that hurts my feelings. 

•forget me. I will do anything in my power to be their for my friends, but friendship is not one sided. I can't be putting in all the effort. Please oh please oh please don't forget who I am, why we are friends and more importantly our friendship. (I think thats redundant) 

•turn off my Jesus. Don't play down my God in front of me. Don't trash talk him or refute him. He is whom I stand firm in. If you can't accept that, take a hike. 

I just blew off a lot of steam. That felt good. I think that's enough for now. Sometimes I rant. Rants make for good writes though. 

So, ya know...

L 

2

Monday, I went to get an ultra sound. 

Turns out that another lump has formed in one of my breasts. 

It's weird. You know how we tend to take our bodies for granted? 

We forget how sacred they really are. 

I mean, we are who we are by our bodies. God gave these forms to us and said,"This is for you. Take care of it. For some time, you won't believe this, but know that you are perfect in my eyes."

And here I have a couple deformities. 

And that's ok. 

I know God was in that room with me. Comforting me and whispering," I love you. I got this."

The tech said its rare that she's seen 20 year olds develop breast cancer this early. She said it could just be cysts. 

I still have another appointment to attend and from there we'll get more results. 

For now, I'm thankful for a God who is capable. 

Yours truly, 

AGR 

🌜

I like to call this: a classy way to smell your pit. 9.24.14

See you at the Mouse House 🐭

In my home in the Mickey kicks: 9.26.14 

Brother 🐻

Disneyland 9.26.14

Dear...

I wanted to say so long to you.
This isn't a big deal, so don't fret.

I think for awhile now I have been feeling so out of place.
I heard a lot of things.
A lot of things that were being said behind my back.
And that bites, you know?

I wanted to say how disappointed I am in you.
You picked me up so high and when I was low, you weren't there.
This is not a letter to make you feel bad, no.
Well..maybe.
I'm kidding.

It's a letter to let you know that I miss the old you.
I miss the relationship we once had.
I miss how much you cared.
How much you spoke into my life.
I miss how much you loved me.

I don't know why you don't talk to me anymore.
That hurts my feelings.
I don't know why you wouldn't stand up for me?
That killed.
I don't know why you wouldn't think that would hurt my feelings.
That was devastating.

I don't know what to tell you except so long.
It's time to move on.
It is going to be a struggle without you.
I will miss you.
I will miss all our memories.
Our laughs, our cries, the joys, the sorrows, all of it.

You are wonderful, I encourage you to keep haste.
And when you need me, I'll be right over here.

But I can't stay with you. Not right now.
I'm sorry.

Dear Church,

I can't imagine leaving this faith.
But I can't imagine you chasing after me anyways.

Alexis

Can I get a pic? (;

That is probably one of the most degrading sentences I ever receive from guys. 

Now wait a sec, you know what I'm talking about right? Guys that ask for a photo but want a little extra than just a pretty smile. 

In the lieu of meeting new guys from school, other places, etc. I've noticed that after exchanging numbers with a few, they just jump right into this question. I think it's rather horrid. 

Do these guys think I'm pizza? Listen.

You get your pizza. 

Before even digging in, your nose is aroused by the pepperoni aroma it let's off, by the look of that beauty of that square pizza box shows off and you just can't wait to dive in! 

And once you do, you eat to your hearts content. Indulging yourself in every morsel the pizza has to offer. And when you're full and satisfied, all that is left really is the box. And if you're the Earthy type, you recycle it and move onto another pizza or you simply chuck it in the trash. 

And that's how I feel when you ask me for pictures of me: trash. 

Is my hearty insides not worth knowing? 

I mean if I were to send you that, it's like sending everything I am to you through a picture. It's like sex without the physicality of it. 

How dare you try and take that away from me. 

Where is the respect? 

Nowhere.

Cool, you get the trash too buddy. 

Mother with Alzheimer’s Recognizes Her Daughter

I wish I could hear Nona speak like this again.

What a precious experience.

The importance of importance.

In and through this life we lead, we come through times of feeling important.

Being needed.

Being wanted. 

Ultimately having a purpose. 

And sometimes we don't feel this way. 

I remember going through the times of when my church first started becoming my home church. 

Everyone new me. Everyone took the time and effort to seek me out. 

If I wasn't in a service, I would have a text from someone asking where I was. 

3 years later, I don't get those texts anymore. I don't spend the time I once had in that community. And that's heartbreaking.

It's important we feel important. 

And many times we go through life thinking,"Well what the hallibut is the point anymore?" 

I went on a trip this weekend, Labor Day weekend. 

It was lovely. Went and visited California's state Capitol 

Visited Lake Tahoe 

And traveled around Truckee city. Cute stinkin little bitty town.

With houses such as this 

Oh it was such a treasure to get away. 

And during that time, I kind of forgot who I was at home. 

I forgot that despite my feeling of inadequacy, I am important. 

Because this super cool, all powerful God created me! 

This man can move mountains and walks like a hurricane into barriers I can never touch! 

His hands are filled with grace and whenever they are placed over my head, all fear escapes me. 

It's absolutely beautiful the way he works. 

I am humbled that such a being created me. 

I am in awe that he wants me in his plan.

I am amazed when he tells me that whether or not I feel wanted or needed, I am loved. 

I am important. 

You are important. 

The fact of the matter is, the importance of importance is you. 

Have a rad Labor Day, 

Lex 

Little Lovelies

8•31•14 Schaefer Mills 

Lake Tahoe 2014

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me 🌊

✨

Fantasyland, Disneyland not sure what month.not sure what day.2014 

You ain't never had a friend like me.

Aladdin Show, Disneyland 8.a monday.14

Adventure is out there.

Adventure land, Disneyland 8.29.14

1st Date.

So on Friday, I went on a date.

And yo, it's been awhile since I've been on one. 

So I went and met this guy. We'll call him Guy. 

We met at a coffee shop. 

I got there, parked my car and found him sitting on a bench. 

He kind of stared at me, hugged and went on our merry way. 

We got our seats at the shop, ordered our drinks and chatted. 

We talked about careers, our current jobs, school, the ALS ice bucket challenge, family & our hobbies. 

But, these were all subjects I brought up. 

That was something I noticed: he didn't talk much. He didn't ask many questions. He didn't want to know me deeper. 

And he would stare. He would just stare at me when I would be done talking. 

I couldn't understand how we could just sit there and just look at each other! Like, c'mon ask me a question!! 

Now, we had good conversation. He's a good listener and asked questions about my family. It didn't get too deep though. 

And then he would do that staring thing. 

You know what I love? Laughing. He didn't laugh with me enough. I wanted to go and laugh and have fun and build chemistry. But as I was there, I was just thinking,"When is this spark going to light?" 

We drank our coffee, I offered to pay mine, but he covered. He walked me to my car, but kept his distance. We said our goodbyes and left. 

And he never texted me to tell me he enjoyed our time together until the morning. Which is fine I guess, but that night would have been dandy.

It was a good first date. But I seek so much more. I don't want to just sit and talk. I want to know the person I'm dating, build something together, and see if chemistry can be built. I would have loved it if when I got there, he would have said: you look nice, pretty, beautiful, whatever. 

I would have loved if he would have looked at me with eyes full of intrigue. 

I would have loved to have seen a heart so full of warmth. 

I'm not saying he didn't have any of that. Maybe he was nervous. I was, too. But if this would have worked, I feel like we just should have meshed. 

He's a great guy. He's got a ton going for him. 

I just want to have a passionate love. Not a simple one. 

It's all good though! That's what this season in my life is for: meeting new people, going on "learning dates," and learning more about myself. 

School starts soon and I'm stoked to kick it's butt.

Hope you're well, 

Alexis 

Dates. Not the fruit.

So in the past week, I have been asked out on 4 different dates. 

This has NEVER happened to me before and I'm going to document them here for you. I'll keep you posted on what happens, how it goes and if this guy is a keeper. 

And yes. 4 different guys. 

Now let me give you my view: I think that dating around, not just dating one person is an ok thing. I will not date them all at the same time goodness no, I may drop a couple here and there (due to qualities I find unattractive) but they are clearly options. 

Shouldn't we have the opportunity to figure out qualities we like in men and ones we don't? Absolutely. 

I am very flattered to have been asked out, but I am not looking for anything to come out of these: not long term stuff, marriage, a future, etc. NO. 

These are just cool opportunities to learn about the opposite gender, meet some cool guys and find out what I want my Prince Charming to look like. 

If something sparks an interest, super super cool. But you'll just have to stay tuned (:

Always,

Alexis 

Today

Today, I did nothing and it was beautiful. 

After a long week at work, it was nice to have a day with no obligations. 

This morning I watched all 4 hours of Pride and Prejudice with Jennifer Ehle and the guy from Nanny McPhee . (Sorry bud I can't recall your name.)

Then I wanted a Mr. Darcy but such a day has not come. I also want to start using the term, "Make Haste!" Because it just sounds SO COOL!

Afterwards, I went to the park and read some of Pride and Prejudice and wished I had met Jane Austen. What a nifty young lady she must have been! 

I do suggest you read it. It is a handsome book, indeed. 

They're rubbing off on me, those characters. 

I admired the trees and wind. It was lovely. 

I picked up some grub and made haste back to the house. Relaxed for awhile.  Read. 

Then went for a stroll about the park this breezy eve.  

I admired the moon, the sky and loved the peace even more. 

That is something I don't often get. I worry that with school and work picking up again this next semester, I'll lose sight of peace. 

But I love this feeling. And I love knowing I'm never alone. For god is always with me. 

I'm praying this feeling remains, because it just is too good to be true at a time like this. 

Blueberries and Sight

Tonight was the first night in about 3 weeks, that I went into the bedroom next door to look at my grandma. Oh, it's been so hard.
With working everyday, I come home exhausted and usually slip on peejamas & hit the bed.
Weekends, I hang with family.
I've been guilt tripping myself though. Saying,"Lex, she is literally next door."
But it's been so hard lately. For a moment, I forgot about the pain I would feel just looking at my grandma.
Tonight that came back.
I'm going to write this to my Nona. This is pretty much everything that was flowing through my head as I was with her. Maybe, she'll get the chance to read it sometime.

Dear Nona,

It's been a couple weeks since I last saw you. And that has been my own fault. I'm sorry.
I hope you liked the soup I made for you. I'm getting pretty swell at cooking. I don't think I'll ever be able to rock it as you were able to, but a girl can try.
Now, for the blueberries. Your doctor once told me that you can only taste sweet things now. Lucky.
I'm just going to say that because we're Italian, we are born with these rich, awesome tastebuds that allow us to eat things with an unbelievable sense.
So, I hope you can taste these. We'll share them though. Some for you. Some for me. They're really sweet!
A lot of times I wonder what goes through your mind, as I sit here feeding you.
Are you aware of my presence? Do you deep down know who I am?
What do you think about?
I'm so sorry that this is your life. Bed. The wheelchair, too.
The inability to talk. Move.
You never deserved this. But you should know, that I think if you all the time.
I wish this was not your life. I wish we could go to Disneyland together again, make some grub and talk. There has been so much that I have learned about myself this past summer that I want to share with you. I only wish you were able to talk to me, too.
What is this life like for you? Are you happy?
Well, I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I just care so much about you that it breaks my heart to see you like this. I'm going to try harder though, ok? I'm going to sit with you more often and talk with you, feed you, look after you. I got your back.
Can you just do me this favor? When I care for you, would you please just look at me?
I just want to know that a part of you still knows me. All I need is for your eyes to meet mine.
I just need you to see me.

Nona, I love you.
I always will.
I break for you and I just need to know you still love me.

With you on this journey,
Alexis Giovanna

In the Light

The In The Dark post, I wrote a couple nights ago. I just had 0 strength to post it until tonight.
And now, here I am.
I did have my sit-down with Jesus.
I did cry.
But I feel so much better.

This week has been a nightmare to say the least.
I've been speaking to a friend a lot about a health issue of mine going on. I am afraid.
I know that friends and I are growing distant and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel so alone.
When someone you care for tells you it's not going to work like that, it's a whirlwind.
When a loved one passes and you have to comfort someone, but you don't even have the right words...it's awful.
When you forget about someone so important to your life, oh gee... I can't even...

This week I've learned that life, in all its beauty and wonder, holds a milestone of grief.
For a time, we run into this and we forget about how precious you and them are.
For the things I've been placing in front of me , are minimal to plans He has.

I've felt very weak.
Until, today I went to Barnes and Noble. (stinkin love that place)
I was really drawn to the bargain section. (Homegirl likes a good bargain.)
I was looking at a couple different books and I just knew in my head that if I really wanted a book, it would speak to me. (I wish I could say it went all Sorting Hat status, but no)
I passed a couple, but nothing caught my eye until one blue book sat on the edge of the shelf. All by its lonesome. On sale. (righteous!!!) Called A Course In Miracles. You can ask my friend I went with, I carried it around that book store until we were ready to leave because that book just had the answer I've been so wanting.

Do you ever feel like your life is at a standstill?
Where is it going? How is God working? Is he working?
I do.
I've been waiting on a miracle and DUDE now I get to have this book on studying miracles!!!

So to tell you the truth, I found a better price (still a bargainer) on Amazon. So I am awaiting it's arrival.
But I am so stoked for it to come in!

I've read reviews that make this book just seem like gold! (besides the Bible)
I am STOKED to let you know how this book is going.

But anywho. Would you like some detail into this week?
No? Go make a quesadilla.
Yes? Sit tight.

I need to make an appointment asap because I need to get checked to make sure homecat over here does not have breast cancer. I found a lumpy. My mama recently defeated breast cancer with a sword like no other. She kicked its butt in a matter of months! I should have little to fear, but there is still that word "fear" that lingers in my mind.

So, like I am so pooped. Today is the 9th. I'm going to hit the hay. But I'll finish up with my tomorrow. Cool? Goodnight.

Definitely did not come back to this on the 10th. I had nothing of a clear mind to write thereon after.
Today is the 16th and I feel good.
So, let's continue.

Still have not made that appointment.

Friends: Oh the lord giveth and Lord taketh away. I have had a great group of friends in past years.
I am unbelievably thankful for how they have helped my journey, but we are all seemingly going separate ways. I still love them to death, but God is saying," Hey Lex, I need you over here."

Boys: Ha! It's taken me these 6 days of not writing so I could clear my head. Yes. Things did not work out with a boy that I really care for. I think the hardest part is that we were really close friends. Or, at least I thought so. And now, I have to let go of that. I had to ask him, not to care so much about me anymore because in all honesty, what's the point?
I'm still hurting over it, but with time it gets better. The first couple of days absolutely sucked though, I can tell you that much. It's hard seeing him around and trying not to let the awkwardness settle in.
I'm working on it though. But seeing him occasionally just brings back a flood.
Like I said, time. And God. He's been pushing me through.
And friends. They rock.

Work: Phew! I don't even know where to start. I am a camp counselor at a summer camp. I stinkin' love my job. I love these kids. I love investing in them. I love telling them about Jesus.
But it is exhausting. And some of these kids just push my buttons, but I can't help but love each and every one of them.
Each one has their own story. Each one has affected me in a different way.
Sometimes, I just wish they would sit still and listen. Or open up to me.
Eventually they do, but it takes time.
I can't rave enough about how I love this job.
I am so thankful for it.

My Nona: I haven't seen her in awhile. I haven't been going into her bedroom and saying Hi or Goodnight. Is that bad? Sometimes, it is just too hard for me to do so. It's still so hard for me to see her lifeless body cooped up in a bed. I hate that I put her aside and I need to make the effort to see her.
She is literally in the bedroom right next to mine.

Patience is key. That is what I am learning this week.
I am feeling so in the light of God through this miserable week, it's amazing.
Isn't he so cool?

Alexis

Moment's Thoughts.

So like,
I have 2 or 3 blog posts sitting in my blog section. just waiting to be edited and revisited.
I'll get them out there, soon.

For now. I just want to know how you are.
Have you had your coffee today?
Have you sat down, had time with God and a good book?
If not, I encourage you to do so.

The past week or so has been the utmost of difficult.
Be it crazy things happening at work, distancing friendships, struggling to find an easy
mend to a cracked heart, soul issues, figuring out where I need to be in my life and a few more.

You know, as hard these times are, I love that God shows up even when I think he is so distant.
I've been trying so hard to latch onto him.
Trying so hard to seek out his love and compassion amidst my suffering.
I asked him for peace. He gave me visions.

It's been so rad.

I want to leave you with this. From John 14:18 ~
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

I literally just stumbled upon that verse in a page of a book.
If that's not God, I don't know what is.

Let's have coffee,
Lex

The Hope I had

You know what's righteous? Hope. 

We all have hope in something. 

Be it money, sex, a relationship, career, boy, girl, family, friend, you get me. 

I've had hope. I had hope in you. 

My hope was wiped dry though & I can't explain why. 

But the cool thing is that although I face great sadness, joy is in the making. 

That gives me hope. 

Now although we never got the chance to dance in the street, I'll say that i wish you were already waiting there for me.

I wished that for what seemed a long, long time. 

I so looked forward to it. I had hope in that. 

But I never heard the music, never saw the bright lights.

 A truck must have hit me though because I've been in some pain. 

I have to ask you not to care though. 

I've been hit. And the thought of you trying to play the music is going to make me want to dance with you, but I'm lying on the floor. 

I thought this whole time, as you spun me in the whirlwind that was you, that you would catch me. 

I fell completely into your arms. 

I fell into what I thought was a safe place. 

Even for a moment, with you, I felt so secure. 

Little did I know, there were other plans. 

Little did I know, you'd just let my hand go free.

Although we couldn't dance together, I pray for the day we can walk together. 

I want flowers at my door on a rainy afternoon. 

 

In The Dark

A couple posts ago,
I wrote about feeling alone and how it is so ok to be that way.
Guess what?
It's gotten better.
I'm in the dark now!

Ya, dude. Didn't see that one coming either.

So, like...I'm not even sure what's been hip-happenin'
I've been going through some awkward stage in my life where I feel like
people are just turning on me. And I kid you not, it's like everyone in my life. Family,
close friends, church family, couple others.

I don't know what the halibut happened.

Going along with my post about being lonesome, that has only increased.
And the worst part is, I've been pushing God aside.
He keeps telling me to look to him, but I've been continuously turning from him.

And you know why?
Because I am so scared. I know that when I face Jesus he's going to be like,"Hey Lex. Ya. People
in your life right now are actin' a fool. But I still love you. I'm here for you."
That scares me.
And I know I'm going to ball my brown eyes out.

And
it
will
suck.

I mean, it will be a sucky time to cry because there is a lot of things happening around me
that I like to just shove away. I have not sat down with the Lord and spilled my guts to him.
I'm afraid of vulnerability, because so many times I've let my guard down only to be let down.
I know He would never do that to me. Ever.

But I'm just Lex. I'm human. I like coffee and I like Cheetos balls in the big bin at Target. I like watching the sunset. I like go to Disneyland. Sometimes I forget to put "to" before "go." Sometimes, I forget to workout. I get mad. I get sad. I get flustered. Sometimes, I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I think I'm ugly. I like the color gold. I wish I had a Lambo. I have a lisp. I can't even say my own name right. I fall too easily. Both for boys and the ground. I like chocolate. It makes my face break out, but whatevs. I sometimes think I'm unworthy. I get lonely. I invest a lot. I like having money. I get forgotten about. I like Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. I like to drive fast. My heart is broken. I like the stars. I'm shy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can be loud. My laugh, dear Lord I don't even know where to start with that thing... I have sinned. Plenty of times.
I am not perfect.

And that is ok.
Tonight, I'm going to face Jesus and just tell him all that's been going on because I am so lost.
I'll keep you posted on how that one goes.


Encouragement for your soul:
What I want you to do is encourage your friends. I have one friend that texts me out of the blue and tells me he cares about me, loves me and wants to spend time with me.
That is THEE GREATEST feeling ever to have in the situation I am in. I am unbelievably thankful for his friendship.
Let your buds know you care for them, are praying for and love them so much.
It could make a day.


I encourage you to talk to Jesus tonight. Tell him what is on your mind.
Love you.
Lexi

Why I Think You Should Wait, Coming From a Girl Who Didn't.

I was really debating writing this one.
It is such a touchy subject, but I think it is something to be talked about.

It's something we like to keep on the DL because we don't want others to think differently
about us, lose respect for us, etc.

But there is sin in the world. And some sin, we like to keep hidden more than others.

I mean I could tell you that my second cousin, twice removed is Michael Jackson and I would be lying to your face. You're going to just be like,"Well, Alexis lied. Ok, move on."
I could also tell you I've had sex, but you're going to reevaluate my entire life and then question our friendship.

Anyways, I just want to tell you that having sex is not what it is all cut out to be.
In films, they make it this wonderful and glorious thing. Where pleasure abounds all the couples' problems, issues, fears, worries, disagreements, arguments, and so on.
Uhh, nope.

I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward and tell you that, for me, it was pure lust.
I so longed to be "loved." I so wanted to feel it. I so badly wanted it. That is why when the opportunities came, I snatched them like I do in the grocery store buying Nutella.

Can I tell you that it was just the opposite?
You when you're up at 2:30 am, you go in the cupboard, get your Nutella, sit on your bed, spoon in hand and dig away. Afterwards, is this confusing feeling of satisfaction and sickness.
That's what it is like.
For me at least.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was so ashamed of myself.

I even thought I absolutely loved this guy.
I mean there were other moments with other guys, where there were no strings attached, but those were a lot easier to get rid of in my mind.
Anyways, I figured he loved me, too. He told me he did all the time anyways.
He sacrificed a lot to come and see me when he could. I (think I) appreciated that and felt like I owed him a "special thank you".
This guy took advantage of me. 
And then I watched him walk right out of my life with a piece of my heart in his back pocket.

I can't imagine what God must have been thinking. Like, " Really Lex? Why do you think this dude deserves you? You are beautiful and don't need this fool. Let me show what love really is. Just wait on my time. I have the answer you have been searching for."

Now, I wish this guy would have just said something like," Hey Lex, I made it all this way to come here to spend time with you. Instead of hitting the bed, let's hit the table. I'll make you some coffee. I want to talk to you and get to know you more because I truly care so much about you."

And you know what I've decided, I am going to wait for this man.
Long have I hated who I was I before: the careless and unforgivable sinner.
I have been embracing the wait and the future is already looking beautiful again.

I admire the man who can put aside the desire for lust and long for the treasure of girl's heart.
And let me tell you the truth, men are not the only ones who long for sexual desires. Girls do, too. 
Let's be mindful of that. 
With that being said, I need to constantly remind myself that my thoughts and longings should be ones focused on the man upstairs. 
I have repented so hard and to this day it is still unbelievably difficult to forgive myself for my decisions. 
If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat. 
How can I ever tell my future husband I couldn't wait for his unending love? 
Instead, I threw away the one thing that is to be held so precious. 
The one gift we could share for forever.

This guy I was with now has this piece of me in his pocket. A piece that is so difficult to rebuild. 
I can feel when he throws his pants in laundry, because my eyes get teary.
I know when he is doing something he shouldn't because the rest of my heart hurts.
He knows every curve and every mark, not only on my body, but on that little significant piece, too.  
It has taken rivers of tears, pain and agony to replicate the smallest millimeters of my heart back together.

So, why I want YOU to wait is because you are worthy and you are wonderful
And any man (or woman if you're a cool guy reading this) who sees this glow in you will wait, have patience and respect you. 
And boy do I know that God has a remarkable plan for your life. 
Please don't throw away a piece of you like I did. Stay with God and you will see the beauty he holds for your life.

I'm not married.
I can't say what it will be like in the future, but when I get there I am going to have to sit my man down and tell him what I've done to him. And that will be a hard day. I pray my husband loves me though I have already wronged him. I pray he has a heart like Jesus, who tells me he loves me everyday no matter what I've thrown away.

I want you to wait because no matter what your body tells you is ok, a piece of your heart is that much more precious than the flesh on your bones. 

Please Wait, 
Lex 

Dear Ex

"...If this is fate, count me out..."
Ron Pope
Cinnamon

You know what's funny?
Fate.
There was no trying.
If it was going to work, it would of.

So how are you?
Are you ok?
How is your family?
What are you up to?
But really, are you ok?

I think about us seldom.
Remember how much we cared for each other & how much we would laugh?
Phone calls every night. Loved those!
How much we would spend time together and talk about a future.
You were my absolute best friend.
The way you would look in my eyes and would hold my hand.
The way you told me you loved me.

The way you lied.
Remember the hurt?
The tears?
The arguments?
The way you would hold me down.
Jealousy. Rage. Innocence. Deceit.
Love.
Loss.
Wasted weekends. Few hours. Fewer laughs.
What more could you have taken from me?

That was when You took all you needed from me.
While I grasped for what was possibly left of me.

I crashed.
And you left.
And you were ok.

It has taken much time get back what you took away.
What would it have taken for you to be there with me through
drawn-out days?
Through the years that I caved.
Through the nights my soul died.

You shattered me.
I was frightened.
Scared.

I was left in the dark.
No one picked me up, but the sweet hand of the
devil himself.
How could you have just left me there?

So, are you ok?
I mean I get it.
But when did you break?
Were you alone?
Maybe you are continuously shoving emotion after emotion
down your own throat.
When will you stop it?


Dear Ex,
I pray for you.
Neither am I totally healed.

Dear Ex,
No, I am not her.

Dearest Ex,
You taught well.
Love is sacred.

Dear Ex,
I forgive you.
But I can't love you.

Dear Ex,
I'm scared to fall.

Dear Ex,
Do you think anyone will ever love
either one of us again?

Dear Ex,
I am so sorry.
I am just so sorry.

Ex,
Why is the truth so easy this time around?




Alexis

Why It's So Ok To Be & Feel Alone

I seriously love candles. They are delicious to the nostrils. Anyways.

Lately, I have felt the utmost of loneliness. 

Very unwanted, unloved and alone.

So, the struggle has been real as they say. 

But also, I have felt the best of comfort and satisfaction with

being alone. 

Funky, huh?

My nature is to just take myself out of situations. 

Like photoshopping me out of pictures.

Poof. Gone.

That is how I handle things. 

I book it.

Run for the hills.

Peace out. 

Deuces.

See ya later, alligator.

And I'm coming to terms with that being an ok thing for me to do.

I have had to realize that there is a lot of bologna in my life and for me to process 

it all, I need a time-out.

And usually a good trip to the beach will do that for me. 

I first used to think that I could handle situations head-on. Then my heart and head said in agreement,"Kidding, you can't handle squat. You need to call a rain check."

It is very hard for me to give myself breaks. I often don't think I deserve them and that it is just

wasting my time.

What a lie from Satan himself! 

Everybody needs a rest!

We need time to recuperate from a rough week, day, hour, etc. 

Having these breaks allow me to pray, rest and better my spirit for the adventure ahead. 

As for what I have been feeling:

Unwanted: It stinks. Longing for a need.

Unloved: I miss I love you's and I really care about you, Lex.

Alone: Who turned out the lights?

And every time I think about this, I think...

Well where did I place God in the midst of this?

Because he WANTS me, he LOVES me and he is ALWAYS with me. 

Affirmation from family and friends is always a wonderful thing. 

It is the utmost of comforting. 

Even just randomly. I love it and I appreciate it. 

So, I think what I'm trying to get across here is that you are not alone. Nor am I.

And when you want to be alone, you go do it. 

Because being alone and feeling alone are both terrible and beautiful differences. 

I long to be alone because that's time for me.

But I crave company, companionship and affirmation because I don't like feeling 

shut-out.

And that's how I feel. 
In the midst of terribly and beautifully alone, honey.



I care about you.
Lelee 

You're Going to Destroy Me

I love you.
With an unfathomable love that cannot compare to another.

And you will hear me.
You will see it in my eyes
as the way these beautiful words
roll off of my lips.

You will hear it speak through my heart.
With every thump, every lump, every beat.
I will say: I love you.

With your hand, I will hold.
With your arms, I will wrap.
With your mind, I will have you.

But you're going to deny me.

Yes, For a moment you'll think,
No. This cannot be.

You will strike, me
And you will come at me like a force of
of a thousand winds that will carry me
to a distant place.
Far. Far away from you.

You'll knock me off my feet
and I'll cry
and
you
will
hurt
me.

In an endless cycle, you will want me
and kick me and curse me and please me
and be with me
and leave me.

You're going to destroy me.
But I'll do it for you.

And I will see it through
that you know
you are
loved.


-Jesus

Things to Remember in Your Wenties (20's)

I turned 20 in March and I am stoked for the new adventure I will depart on this year and those later on. Here's a couple things to keep in mind when you depart on your wenties adventure:

1. You're going to be broke for a good amount of time. Don't spend what you don't have. Don't forget to save as much as you can now. Then you can buy that Lambo you've been dreaming of. 

2. My mama always says,"Work hard now so you can play later." 
Seriously, do it. Whatever it is be it school or work or whatever you do. Work hard now. Then go for a ride in that Lambo. Then pick me up. 

3. The first time you fall in love won't be the last time you fall in love. There are so many righteous people out there that you have yet to meet. Nor don't you dare settle. 

4. You will grow apart from your friends. You're going to move, get in relationships and take different career paths. They're going to take up a lot of time. Cherish the time you have together now. Today, call your friend and tell them you love them and you want to get a coffee.  

5. Nothing in your life is permanent. You won't be in school forever, the job you hate you won't last much longer, that Nutella jar in your cupboard will be gone by tonight, I guarantee you. 

6. You are one good-looking kid. No amount of dieting, working out or protein shakes are going to change the wonderful masterpiece God created you to be. 

7. Have an ambition to stay healthy and feel good about yourself. Work out and eat right. It will make you feel like you are a champion. Because really, you are! Embrace it !!

8. You are going to feel alone. And you're going to be ok. 

9. You NEED your parents. Stop saying you don't. 

1o. You're going to feel unworthy. 
Stop it. God says you are worth more than the birds in the sky. Try to count all the birds in the sky you see today, and when you give up, know there's like a gazillion out there. 

11. Trust your gut. But don't be afraid to change your mind. 

12. The past is over. Yes, we learned a lot from it, but we can't change it. If I could, I'd go back to my birthday and eat the pound or so of Alfredo I did. Don't fret about it. 

13. Being a good person is hard work. You're going to be a meany-pants sometimes, and when that day comes forgive yourself, forgive others and love them like they've never been loved before. 

14. Don't defeat yourself about trying to see the good in every person you meet. Just say, "Whoops. Still love you home-slice, " and remember that life is cool. 

15. When you find your dude/gal that you absolutely adore, that is pure awesomeness. But your relationship is going to take work. Nothing comes easy in life & don't think that your love you had when you were young is going to get you through life's troubles when your older. Be set emotionally, physically, career-wise and mentally. That person is going to be the one that you pux around (that's slang for fart in Trinidad.) They're going to be the one that gives you toilet-paper when there is none in the bathroom and you're doing your business. I pray this your best friend. 

16. Accept that as time progresses, your body and mind will change. We'll all grow ponza's together (Italian slang for big-belly) and it will be great. 

17. Sometimes the floor will be the only one to catch you. Ouch. That's going to hurt. But don't forget that the sky is right above your pretty little head. Reach for it, baby!

18. Love people. Love them, love them, love them. I can't express that enough. No matter what they've done, who they are or whether or not they like Kings or Ducks, love their guts. 

19. Ehhh, but you won't love everyone & that's ok. Some people are harder to love. Sometimes I try to hug my 13 year old sister and I tell her to love me and she's like,"What's going on here?" But I still love her guts. Even when we have a disagreement, I am still called to love. 

20. It's ok to be alone. Turn off the phone, the tv, social media and take a breather. Go sit yourself at the beach or wherever you like going and read a book, listen to some country music and chill there. Jesus needed to take time for him to be alone so he could pray and gather his thoughts. Do it, too. Because life is going to get chaotic. Allow yourself the time to transform into the lovely person you are. 

21. Adventure is out there! Seek it. You want to go on a safari? (That's my DREAM!) Seek out the plans to do so. You can! Take the steps to do so! It may take some time getting there, but you got it dude! 

22. Say Thank You. Please. Excuse Me. Manners make you sophisticated. 

23. Buy your friend a corn dog or some other item that will make them happy. Why? Because you can. 

24. If your friend has ketchup on their shirt. Put some on yours, too. Don't ever put your friends down. 

25. 

26. Just like #25 says, its ok to just say Nothing. 

27. It's ok to tell people how you feel. If they asked, they probably really care about you. 

28. Listen. Pull a #25. Your presence is magical. 

29. God has a plan. You are a special person. And you have a specific route called for you. It may not be Route 66. Let it be Route #25. Just go with the flow. It may be nothing right now, but God will take you places you never dreamed! 

30. Embrace the adventure. 

You are so cool, 

AR

Let's Be Real: The Journey Continues

So anyways,

There were plenty more events that happened my senior year in high school: someone thrashed my school locker & threatened to rape me. I had a mirror in there that they shattered and sprinkled all over my textbooks (that they drew on as well.)
Friendships with friends were turning from bad to worse.
And home-life, that's another story:

6 years ago, my family moved into my grandmother's house to take care of her, my Nona.
6 years ago, she had started developing the early stages of dementia, a tragic oncoming of Alzheimer's disease. Alzheimer's disease causes the brain to deteriorate, ultimately killing off brain cells and turning the once life-filled brain into absolute mush.

I was pretty close to Nona, my grandmother, growing up. This lady would tell me stories of her upbringing all the time and I so admire all she did. She is the oldest of her multiple siblings. They grew up during WWII. Her family had to escape Italy and go to Benghazi, Africa in order to escape the tirany of Mussolini. There, she still endured the hardships of the war around her. She would tell me stories of homes being blown to smithereens and having to hide away in bomb-shelters. Having to care for her younger siblings most of their lives until they moved to the US and met my grandpa. They were set-up and my Nona was such a charmer that my gramps proposed ON THE SECOND DATE! 
(Dear future guy I date, on our second date, can we please get Kickin' Crab? It's really great Cajun Seafood and I want to show you how I can chow down like a champion.)
Nona took care of me when I was a baby while my parents worked. As I got older, I took the school bus from her house to school and took the same bus back to her house. She would have an extravagant home-made Italian lunch all set up for me. 
She worked at Disneyland for 14 years and almost every week she would take me. It was such a magical experience. It was truly the "Happiest Place on Earth" when Nona was with me. Her smile and laugh could melt your heart. She cared, uncontrollably about everyone and always sought to make people the happiest they could be.
Every Wednesday was sphagetti night, where she would make all the family a dish of her homemade sphagetti and meatballs. (If you have never had an Italian woman make you home-made sauce before, find an Italian woman and ask her to. You will never eat at Olive Garden again.)

After my grandfather passed away, is when we really started noticing change in her. My grandpa was a wonderful man. He truly was something special and the love between my grandparents was a beautiful thing. He always was singing and always had memorable quotes. This sweet man suffered from diabetes. Somedays, when he was feeling good, he would wrap me up in his arms and take me to the backyard swing and sing to me as we rocked away with not a care in the world.
I miss his songs. I miss his hugs. I miss his love. I really, really do. The toll of losing him was too great.

Nona started with leaving the sink on. Then the gardening hose. She was repeating herself and often would say she was ready to go home, when we were at her home.
It went onto her forgetting names and forgetting how to drive. My family decided it would be a good idea to move in and help her.
It progressed to forgetting where she was going, forgetting how to use a fork, how to speak English, eventually to forgetting how to walk, talk, and use her body.
Her sense of communication now are mumbles and shouts.
She is bed-bound and we have done all we can to make the most of her life for her.
We do the feeding, changing, medical attention, etc.

Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love so dearly, slowly forget everything you once knew to be loved so dear?
It has been the hardest thing: watching her life change in a long and fast 6 years.
I don't know why my precious Nona had to develop this. I don't know what God has left in store for her and that is hard.
It's hard for me to care for her, knowing that somedays she will smile at me, knowing who I am and others she just stares at me as in a daze. I know somewhere deep down she still knows me. Somewhere I'm still a part of her life. 

On good days, we catch her smiling. Occasionally a coherent word like: "good" or "ok."
When I care for her I try to talk to this body with a small mind. I tell her about life and my day, wondering what could be trickling through her mind. Her eyes are not what they once were: so full of life. That is hidden behind what seems to be dark eyes.

A lot of times, I tend to think that the pain behind all this is what caused me to go looking for a longed love that I found elsewhere.
Nor did I, during the early years of staying with her had I ever sought out Christ for strength.
Today, I seek him daily in each aspect of caring for her. I may not know his purpose for her and my family, but his plans are something I cannot even fathom.

We're still caring for and loving her each day. It's hard, but it's an adventure. 

When I attended college my freshman year is when I found out that having a relationship with Christ was the real deal! Going to a Christian school, always going to Chapel and having Bible classes was the push I needed. Not only that, but being brought into my home church. Having a loving community that walks with you on your adventure is a beautiful thing. God calls us to be in community with our brothers and sisters. I don't know where I would be without having these forces causing me to collision with God. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm sure that was all God-the forces. 
Much Like Skywalker, I was shocked when this mighty force said,"Lex, I am your father." But instead of saying,"NOOOOOOOOO."
I said,"YAAAAAAAAY!!!!" 
He's such a cool guy. Having a relationship with my daddyo has helped me through all the adventures I have been on: big and small. Each day, he likes to show me how He loves me. It's just up to me to see. 

At the beginning of the year, my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was a long and tedious process of figuring out what steps to take and how the cancer was transforming. Who would of ever thunk that my mom, who cares so much for her mom, would end up with this. When we found out we were floored. 

Would you believe that within months, the cancer disappeared? 
That is how amazing God works. He is such a trooper that never ever fails us. 
He can take disease and knock it dead! 
He literally is the almighty! 

Today, we're living life. It's cool. Taking each day as it comes. Loving God more and more for each adventure I go on. I like Adventure and am stoked for more.

Dude, the Almighty, is your dad.

Lexy