I took on 3 sciences. You heard right. THREE SCIENCES.
You're probably like, "Holy Crap Lex, you smart ass."
WRONG.
I don't know why the fuck I did this to myself.
What was I thinking?!
I will tell you. I was thinking I could do it.
I got cocky.
I said I could do it.
And now I am more stressed than I have ever been.
When I go to class, I stress myself out so much about feeling like a failure that
I panic and then I swear to you, I can't hear what the teacher is saying and I can't read what is
In front of me. The cortisol kicks in.
And it takes it's toll.
I avoid stress. When I am feel it coming, I do something else.
That is what I have realized that I do. I avoid it and save it for later.
Instead of facing it head on, it is easier to play hide and go seek.
I hide and the stress will eventually find me.
I ultimately made the decision not to go into chiropractics.
Which was very sad for me because I have planned on doing that since I was in high school.
And now I have no plans. No inclinations of what I would like to do.
This sounds real bad, but I just want to make money.
I think the only reason I was passionate about chiro was because of the money outlook...which honestly isn't THAT good but I kept telling myself I would be that good.
And now I have no desire to see it through.
If this was something I had really wanted, I would work harder in my classes and I might actually enjoy them! Aren't I supposed to have desire and passion for my career?
I also am so injured that I cannot picture myself caring for other people if I can't even take care of myself.
I also realized, going through massage school, that I never wanted to massage people. It was very taxing on my body and I was not passionate about it anymore.
And people would tell me I was good, but no one ever said I was AMAZING at this.
That is what I want. I want to be amazing at something. I want to find my calling and I want other people to be like, "Oh shit. This is her thing. She is so badass at this!."
But I have no clue what that looks like yet.
And that is terrifying. I hate not knowing.
I like having a plan and since I don't, I'm stressed.
What if I don't find what I am supposed to do?
What if I make another wrong turn?
I am so lost
And so confused.
I literally hate this.
But it's going to be ok.
I will be ok.
I keep telling myself that but I don't think I believe it yet.
I am just relieved that I finally made the decision I have been contemplating for 2 years that I don't really want to go into chiropractics.
I wish I knew what I was passionate about. That's the tough thing about being me. I'm passionate about so many different things. Why can't I just choose one?
Haha but I like having so many different passions, it calls for an interesting life.
I will find what I am supposed to do. I've been praying and I know God was opening doors saying,"Lex, I have another plan for you."
It's going to be ok
It's going to be ok
It's going to be ok
Thanks for letting me vent
Love, lex
