Tonight was the first night in about 3 weeks, that I went into the bedroom next door to look at my grandma. Oh, it's been so hard.
With working everyday, I come home exhausted and usually slip on peejamas & hit the bed.
Weekends, I hang with family.
I've been guilt tripping myself though. Saying,"Lex, she is literally next door."
But it's been so hard lately. For a moment, I forgot about the pain I would feel just looking at my grandma.
Tonight that came back.
I'm going to write this to my Nona. This is pretty much everything that was flowing through my head as I was with her. Maybe, she'll get the chance to read it sometime.
Dear Nona,
It's been a couple weeks since I last saw you. And that has been my own fault. I'm sorry.
I hope you liked the soup I made for you. I'm getting pretty swell at cooking. I don't think I'll ever be able to rock it as you were able to, but a girl can try.
Now, for the blueberries. Your doctor once told me that you can only taste sweet things now. Lucky.
I'm just going to say that because we're Italian, we are born with these rich, awesome tastebuds that allow us to eat things with an unbelievable sense.
So, I hope you can taste these. We'll share them though. Some for you. Some for me. They're really sweet!
A lot of times I wonder what goes through your mind, as I sit here feeding you.
Are you aware of my presence? Do you deep down know who I am?
What do you think about?
I'm so sorry that this is your life. Bed. The wheelchair, too.
The inability to talk. Move.
You never deserved this. But you should know, that I think if you all the time.
I wish this was not your life. I wish we could go to Disneyland together again, make some grub and talk. There has been so much that I have learned about myself this past summer that I want to share with you. I only wish you were able to talk to me, too.
What is this life like for you? Are you happy?
Well, I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I just care so much about you that it breaks my heart to see you like this. I'm going to try harder though, ok? I'm going to sit with you more often and talk with you, feed you, look after you. I got your back.
Can you just do me this favor? When I care for you, would you please just look at me?
I just want to know that a part of you still knows me. All I need is for your eyes to meet mine.
I just need you to see me.
Nona, I love you.
I always will.
I break for you and I just need to know you still love me.
With you on this journey,
Alexis Giovanna
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
In the Light
The In The Dark post, I wrote a couple nights ago. I just had 0 strength to post it until tonight.
And now, here I am.
I did have my sit-down with Jesus.
I did cry.
But I feel so much better.
This week has been a nightmare to say the least.
I've been speaking to a friend a lot about a health issue of mine going on. I am afraid.
I know that friends and I are growing distant and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel so alone.
When someone you care for tells you it's not going to work like that, it's a whirlwind.
When a loved one passes and you have to comfort someone, but you don't even have the right words...it's awful.
When you forget about someone so important to your life, oh gee... I can't even...
This week I've learned that life, in all its beauty and wonder, holds a milestone of grief.
For a time, we run into this and we forget about how precious you and them are.
For the things I've been placing in front of me , are minimal to plans He has.
I've felt very weak.
Until, today I went to Barnes and Noble. (stinkin love that place)
I was really drawn to the bargain section. (Homegirl likes a good bargain.)
I was looking at a couple different books and I just knew in my head that if I really wanted a book, it would speak to me. (I wish I could say it went all Sorting Hat status, but no)
I passed a couple, but nothing caught my eye until one blue book sat on the edge of the shelf. All by its lonesome. On sale. (righteous!!!) Called A Course In Miracles. You can ask my friend I went with, I carried it around that book store until we were ready to leave because that book just had the answer I've been so wanting.
Do you ever feel like your life is at a standstill?
Where is it going? How is God working? Is he working?
I do.
I've been waiting on a miracle and DUDE now I get to have this book on studying miracles!!!
So to tell you the truth, I found a better price (still a bargainer) on Amazon. So I am awaiting it's arrival.
But I am so stoked for it to come in!
I've read reviews that make this book just seem like gold! (besides the Bible)
I am STOKED to let you know how this book is going.
But anywho. Would you like some detail into this week?
No? Go make a quesadilla.
Yes? Sit tight.
I need to make an appointment asap because I need to get checked to make sure homecat over here does not have breast cancer. I found a lumpy. My mama recently defeated breast cancer with a sword like no other. She kicked its butt in a matter of months! I should have little to fear, but there is still that word "fear" that lingers in my mind.
So, like I am so pooped. Today is the 9th. I'm going to hit the hay. But I'll finish up with my tomorrow. Cool? Goodnight.
Definitely did not come back to this on the 10th. I had nothing of a clear mind to write thereon after.
Today is the 16th and I feel good.
So, let's continue.
Still have not made that appointment.
Friends: Oh the lord giveth and Lord taketh away. I have had a great group of friends in past years.
I am unbelievably thankful for how they have helped my journey, but we are all seemingly going separate ways. I still love them to death, but God is saying," Hey Lex, I need you over here."
Boys: Ha! It's taken me these 6 days of not writing so I could clear my head. Yes. Things did not work out with a boy that I really care for. I think the hardest part is that we were really close friends. Or, at least I thought so. And now, I have to let go of that. I had to ask him, not to care so much about me anymore because in all honesty, what's the point?
I'm still hurting over it, but with time it gets better. The first couple of days absolutely sucked though, I can tell you that much. It's hard seeing him around and trying not to let the awkwardness settle in.
I'm working on it though. But seeing him occasionally just brings back a flood.
Like I said, time. And God. He's been pushing me through.
And friends. They rock.
Work: Phew! I don't even know where to start. I am a camp counselor at a summer camp. I stinkin' love my job. I love these kids. I love investing in them. I love telling them about Jesus.
But it is exhausting. And some of these kids just push my buttons, but I can't help but love each and every one of them.
Each one has their own story. Each one has affected me in a different way.
Sometimes, I just wish they would sit still and listen. Or open up to me.
Eventually they do, but it takes time.
I can't rave enough about how I love this job.
I am so thankful for it.
My Nona: I haven't seen her in awhile. I haven't been going into her bedroom and saying Hi or Goodnight. Is that bad? Sometimes, it is just too hard for me to do so. It's still so hard for me to see her lifeless body cooped up in a bed. I hate that I put her aside and I need to make the effort to see her.
She is literally in the bedroom right next to mine.
Patience is key. That is what I am learning this week.
I am feeling so in the light of God through this miserable week, it's amazing.
Isn't he so cool?
Alexis
And now, here I am.
I did have my sit-down with Jesus.
I did cry.
But I feel so much better.
This week has been a nightmare to say the least.
I've been speaking to a friend a lot about a health issue of mine going on. I am afraid.
I know that friends and I are growing distant and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel so alone.
When someone you care for tells you it's not going to work like that, it's a whirlwind.
When a loved one passes and you have to comfort someone, but you don't even have the right words...it's awful.
When you forget about someone so important to your life, oh gee... I can't even...
This week I've learned that life, in all its beauty and wonder, holds a milestone of grief.
For a time, we run into this and we forget about how precious you and them are.
For the things I've been placing in front of me , are minimal to plans He has.
I've felt very weak.
Until, today I went to Barnes and Noble. (stinkin love that place)
I was really drawn to the bargain section. (Homegirl likes a good bargain.)
I was looking at a couple different books and I just knew in my head that if I really wanted a book, it would speak to me. (I wish I could say it went all Sorting Hat status, but no)
I passed a couple, but nothing caught my eye until one blue book sat on the edge of the shelf. All by its lonesome. On sale. (righteous!!!) Called A Course In Miracles. You can ask my friend I went with, I carried it around that book store until we were ready to leave because that book just had the answer I've been so wanting.
Do you ever feel like your life is at a standstill?
Where is it going? How is God working? Is he working?
I do.
I've been waiting on a miracle and DUDE now I get to have this book on studying miracles!!!
So to tell you the truth, I found a better price (still a bargainer) on Amazon. So I am awaiting it's arrival.
But I am so stoked for it to come in!
I've read reviews that make this book just seem like gold! (besides the Bible)
I am STOKED to let you know how this book is going.
But anywho. Would you like some detail into this week?
No? Go make a quesadilla.
Yes? Sit tight.
I need to make an appointment asap because I need to get checked to make sure homecat over here does not have breast cancer. I found a lumpy. My mama recently defeated breast cancer with a sword like no other. She kicked its butt in a matter of months! I should have little to fear, but there is still that word "fear" that lingers in my mind.
So, like I am so pooped. Today is the 9th. I'm going to hit the hay. But I'll finish up with my tomorrow. Cool? Goodnight.
Definitely did not come back to this on the 10th. I had nothing of a clear mind to write thereon after.
Today is the 16th and I feel good.
So, let's continue.
Still have not made that appointment.
Friends: Oh the lord giveth and Lord taketh away. I have had a great group of friends in past years.
I am unbelievably thankful for how they have helped my journey, but we are all seemingly going separate ways. I still love them to death, but God is saying," Hey Lex, I need you over here."
Boys: Ha! It's taken me these 6 days of not writing so I could clear my head. Yes. Things did not work out with a boy that I really care for. I think the hardest part is that we were really close friends. Or, at least I thought so. And now, I have to let go of that. I had to ask him, not to care so much about me anymore because in all honesty, what's the point?
I'm still hurting over it, but with time it gets better. The first couple of days absolutely sucked though, I can tell you that much. It's hard seeing him around and trying not to let the awkwardness settle in.
I'm working on it though. But seeing him occasionally just brings back a flood.
Like I said, time. And God. He's been pushing me through.
And friends. They rock.
Work: Phew! I don't even know where to start. I am a camp counselor at a summer camp. I stinkin' love my job. I love these kids. I love investing in them. I love telling them about Jesus.
But it is exhausting. And some of these kids just push my buttons, but I can't help but love each and every one of them.
Each one has their own story. Each one has affected me in a different way.
Sometimes, I just wish they would sit still and listen. Or open up to me.
Eventually they do, but it takes time.
I can't rave enough about how I love this job.
I am so thankful for it.
My Nona: I haven't seen her in awhile. I haven't been going into her bedroom and saying Hi or Goodnight. Is that bad? Sometimes, it is just too hard for me to do so. It's still so hard for me to see her lifeless body cooped up in a bed. I hate that I put her aside and I need to make the effort to see her.
She is literally in the bedroom right next to mine.
Patience is key. That is what I am learning this week.
I am feeling so in the light of God through this miserable week, it's amazing.
Isn't he so cool?
Alexis
Moment's Thoughts.
So like,
I have 2 or 3 blog posts sitting in my blog section. just waiting to be edited and revisited.
I'll get them out there, soon.
For now. I just want to know how you are.
Have you had your coffee today?
Have you sat down, had time with God and a good book?
If not, I encourage you to do so.
The past week or so has been the utmost of difficult.
Be it crazy things happening at work, distancing friendships, struggling to find an easy
mend to a cracked heart, soul issues, figuring out where I need to be in my life and a few more.
You know, as hard these times are, I love that God shows up even when I think he is so distant.
I've been trying so hard to latch onto him.
Trying so hard to seek out his love and compassion amidst my suffering.
I asked him for peace. He gave me visions.
It's been so rad.
I want to leave you with this. From John 14:18 ~
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."
I literally just stumbled upon that verse in a page of a book.
If that's not God, I don't know what is.
Let's have coffee,
Lex
I have 2 or 3 blog posts sitting in my blog section. just waiting to be edited and revisited.
I'll get them out there, soon.
For now. I just want to know how you are.
Have you had your coffee today?
Have you sat down, had time with God and a good book?
If not, I encourage you to do so.
The past week or so has been the utmost of difficult.
Be it crazy things happening at work, distancing friendships, struggling to find an easy
mend to a cracked heart, soul issues, figuring out where I need to be in my life and a few more.
You know, as hard these times are, I love that God shows up even when I think he is so distant.
I've been trying so hard to latch onto him.
Trying so hard to seek out his love and compassion amidst my suffering.
I asked him for peace. He gave me visions.
It's been so rad.
I want to leave you with this. From John 14:18 ~
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."
I literally just stumbled upon that verse in a page of a book.
If that's not God, I don't know what is.
Let's have coffee,
Lex
Sunday, July 13, 2014
The Hope I had
You know what's righteous? Hope.
We all have hope in something.
Be it money, sex, a relationship, career, boy, girl, family, friend, you get me.
I've had hope. I had hope in you.
My hope was wiped dry though & I can't explain why.
But the cool thing is that although I face great sadness, joy is in the making.
That gives me hope.
Now although we never got the chance to dance in the street, I'll say that i wish you were already waiting there for me.
I wished that for what seemed a long, long time.
I so looked forward to it. I had hope in that.
But I never heard the music, never saw the bright lights.
A truck must have hit me though because I've been in some pain.
I have to ask you not to care though.
I've been hit. And the thought of you trying to play the music is going to make me want to dance with you, but I'm lying on the floor.
I thought this whole time, as you spun me in the whirlwind that was you, that you would catch me.
I fell completely into your arms.
I fell into what I thought was a safe place.
Even for a moment, with you, I felt so secure.
Little did I know, there were other plans.
Little did I know, you'd just let my hand go free.
Although we couldn't dance together, I pray for the day we can walk together.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
In The Dark
A couple posts ago,
I wrote about feeling alone and how it is so ok to be that way.
Guess what?
It's gotten better.
I'm in the dark now!
Ya, dude. Didn't see that one coming either.
So, like...I'm not even sure what's been hip-happenin'
I've been going through some awkward stage in my life where I feel like
people are just turning on me. And I kid you not, it's like everyone in my life. Family,
close friends, church family, couple others.
I don't know what the halibut happened.
Going along with my post about being lonesome, that has only increased.
And the worst part is, I've been pushing God aside.
He keeps telling me to look to him, but I've been continuously turning from him.
And you know why?
Because I am so scared. I know that when I face Jesus he's going to be like,"Hey Lex. Ya. People
in your life right now are actin' a fool. But I still love you. I'm here for you."
That scares me.
And I know I'm going to ball my brown eyes out.
And
it
will
suck.
I mean, it will be a sucky time to cry because there is a lot of things happening around me
that I like to just shove away. I have not sat down with the Lord and spilled my guts to him.
I'm afraid of vulnerability, because so many times I've let my guard down only to be let down.
I know He would never do that to me. Ever.
But I'm just Lex. I'm human. I like coffee and I like Cheetos balls in the big bin at Target. I like watching the sunset. I like go to Disneyland. Sometimes I forget to put "to" before "go." Sometimes, I forget to workout. I get mad. I get sad. I get flustered. Sometimes, I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I think I'm ugly. I like the color gold. I wish I had a Lambo. I have a lisp. I can't even say my own name right. I fall too easily. Both for boys and the ground. I like chocolate. It makes my face break out, but whatevs. I sometimes think I'm unworthy. I get lonely. I invest a lot. I like having money. I get forgotten about. I like Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. I like to drive fast. My heart is broken. I like the stars. I'm shy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can be loud. My laugh, dear Lord I don't even know where to start with that thing... I have sinned. Plenty of times.
I am not perfect.
And that is ok.
Tonight, I'm going to face Jesus and just tell him all that's been going on because I am so lost.
I'll keep you posted on how that one goes.
Encouragement for your soul:
What I want you to do is encourage your friends. I have one friend that texts me out of the blue and tells me he cares about me, loves me and wants to spend time with me.
That is THEE GREATEST feeling ever to have in the situation I am in. I am unbelievably thankful for his friendship.
Let your buds know you care for them, are praying for and love them so much.
It could make a day.
I encourage you to talk to Jesus tonight. Tell him what is on your mind.
Love you.
Lexi
I wrote about feeling alone and how it is so ok to be that way.
Guess what?
It's gotten better.
I'm in the dark now!
Ya, dude. Didn't see that one coming either.
So, like...I'm not even sure what's been hip-happenin'
I've been going through some awkward stage in my life where I feel like
people are just turning on me. And I kid you not, it's like everyone in my life. Family,
close friends, church family, couple others.
I don't know what the halibut happened.
Going along with my post about being lonesome, that has only increased.
And the worst part is, I've been pushing God aside.
He keeps telling me to look to him, but I've been continuously turning from him.
And you know why?
Because I am so scared. I know that when I face Jesus he's going to be like,"Hey Lex. Ya. People
in your life right now are actin' a fool. But I still love you. I'm here for you."
That scares me.
And I know I'm going to ball my brown eyes out.
And
it
will
suck.
I mean, it will be a sucky time to cry because there is a lot of things happening around me
that I like to just shove away. I have not sat down with the Lord and spilled my guts to him.
I'm afraid of vulnerability, because so many times I've let my guard down only to be let down.
I know He would never do that to me. Ever.
But I'm just Lex. I'm human. I like coffee and I like Cheetos balls in the big bin at Target. I like watching the sunset. I like go to Disneyland. Sometimes I forget to put "to" before "go." Sometimes, I forget to workout. I get mad. I get sad. I get flustered. Sometimes, I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I think I'm ugly. I like the color gold. I wish I had a Lambo. I have a lisp. I can't even say my own name right. I fall too easily. Both for boys and the ground. I like chocolate. It makes my face break out, but whatevs. I sometimes think I'm unworthy. I get lonely. I invest a lot. I like having money. I get forgotten about. I like Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. I like to drive fast. My heart is broken. I like the stars. I'm shy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can be loud. My laugh, dear Lord I don't even know where to start with that thing... I have sinned. Plenty of times.
I am not perfect.
And that is ok.
Tonight, I'm going to face Jesus and just tell him all that's been going on because I am so lost.
I'll keep you posted on how that one goes.
Encouragement for your soul:
What I want you to do is encourage your friends. I have one friend that texts me out of the blue and tells me he cares about me, loves me and wants to spend time with me.
That is THEE GREATEST feeling ever to have in the situation I am in. I am unbelievably thankful for his friendship.
Let your buds know you care for them, are praying for and love them so much.
It could make a day.
I encourage you to talk to Jesus tonight. Tell him what is on your mind.
Love you.
Lexi
Monday, July 7, 2014
Why I Think You Should Wait, Coming From a Girl Who Didn't.
I was really debating writing this one.
It is such a touchy subject, but I think it is something to be talked about.
It's something we like to keep on the DL because we don't want others to think differently
about us, lose respect for us, etc.
But there is sin in the world. And some sin, we like to keep hidden more than others.
I mean I could tell you that my second cousin, twice removed is Michael Jackson and I would be lying to your face. You're going to just be like,"Well, Alexis lied. Ok, move on."
I could also tell you I've had sex, but you're going to reevaluate my entire life and then question our friendship.
Anyways, I just want to tell you that having sex is not what it is all cut out to be.
In films, they make it this wonderful and glorious thing. Where pleasure abounds all the couples' problems, issues, fears, worries, disagreements, arguments, and so on.
Uhh, nope.
I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward and tell you that, for me, it was pure lust.
I so longed to be "loved." I so wanted to feel it. I so badly wanted it. That is why when the opportunities came, I snatched them like I do in the grocery store buying Nutella.
Can I tell you that it was just the opposite?
You when you're up at 2:30 am, you go in the cupboard, get your Nutella, sit on your bed, spoon in hand and dig away. Afterwards, is this confusing feeling of satisfaction and sickness.
That's what it is like.
For me at least.
I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was so ashamed of myself.
I even thought I absolutely loved this guy.
I mean there were other moments with other guys, where there were no strings attached, but those were a lot easier to get rid of in my mind.
Anyways, I figured he loved me, too. He told me he did all the time anyways.
He sacrificed a lot to come and see me when he could. I (think I) appreciated that and felt like I owed him a "special thank you".
This guy took advantage of me.
And then I watched him walk right out of my life with a piece of my heart in his back pocket.
I can't imagine what God must have been thinking. Like, " Really Lex? Why do you think this dude deserves you? You are beautiful and don't need this fool. Let me show what love really is. Just wait on my time. I have the answer you have been searching for."
Now, I wish this guy would have just said something like," Hey Lex, I made it all this way to come here to spend time with you. Instead of hitting the bed, let's hit the table. I'll make you some coffee. I want to talk to you and get to know you more because I truly care so much about you."
And you know what I've decided, I am going to wait for this man.
Long have I hated who I was I before: the careless and unforgivable sinner.
I have been embracing the wait and the future is already looking beautiful again.
I admire the man who can put aside the desire for lust and long for the treasure of girl's heart.
And let me tell you the truth, men are not the only ones who long for sexual desires. Girls do, too.
Let's be mindful of that.
With that being said, I need to constantly remind myself that my thoughts and longings should be ones focused on the man upstairs.
I have repented so hard and to this day it is still unbelievably difficult to forgive myself for my decisions.
If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat.
How can I ever tell my future husband I couldn't wait for his unending love?
Instead, I threw away the one thing that is to be held so precious.
The one gift we could share for forever.
This guy I was with now has this piece of me in his pocket. A piece that is so difficult to rebuild.
I can feel when he throws his pants in laundry, because my eyes get teary.
I know when he is doing something he shouldn't because the rest of my heart hurts.
He knows every curve and every mark, not only on my body, but on that little significant piece, too.
It has taken rivers of tears, pain and agony to replicate the smallest millimeters of my heart back together.
So, why I want YOU to wait is because you are worthy and you are wonderful
And any man (or woman if you're a cool guy reading this) who sees this glow in you will wait, have patience and respect you.
And boy do I know that God has a remarkable plan for your life.
Please don't throw away a piece of you like I did. Stay with God and you will see the beauty he holds for your life.
I'm not married.
I can't say what it will be like in the future, but when I get there I am going to have to sit my man down and tell him what I've done to him. And that will be a hard day. I pray my husband loves me though I have already wronged him. I pray he has a heart like Jesus, who tells me he loves me everyday no matter what I've thrown away.
I want you to wait because no matter what your body tells you is ok, a piece of your heart is that much more precious than the flesh on your bones.
Please Wait,
Lex
It is such a touchy subject, but I think it is something to be talked about.
It's something we like to keep on the DL because we don't want others to think differently
about us, lose respect for us, etc.
But there is sin in the world. And some sin, we like to keep hidden more than others.
I mean I could tell you that my second cousin, twice removed is Michael Jackson and I would be lying to your face. You're going to just be like,"Well, Alexis lied. Ok, move on."
I could also tell you I've had sex, but you're going to reevaluate my entire life and then question our friendship.
Anyways, I just want to tell you that having sex is not what it is all cut out to be.
In films, they make it this wonderful and glorious thing. Where pleasure abounds all the couples' problems, issues, fears, worries, disagreements, arguments, and so on.
Uhh, nope.
I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward and tell you that, for me, it was pure lust.
I so longed to be "loved." I so wanted to feel it. I so badly wanted it. That is why when the opportunities came, I snatched them like I do in the grocery store buying Nutella.
Can I tell you that it was just the opposite?
You when you're up at 2:30 am, you go in the cupboard, get your Nutella, sit on your bed, spoon in hand and dig away. Afterwards, is this confusing feeling of satisfaction and sickness.
That's what it is like.
For me at least.
I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was so ashamed of myself.
I even thought I absolutely loved this guy.
I mean there were other moments with other guys, where there were no strings attached, but those were a lot easier to get rid of in my mind.
Anyways, I figured he loved me, too. He told me he did all the time anyways.
He sacrificed a lot to come and see me when he could. I (think I) appreciated that and felt like I owed him a "special thank you".
This guy took advantage of me.
And then I watched him walk right out of my life with a piece of my heart in his back pocket.
I can't imagine what God must have been thinking. Like, " Really Lex? Why do you think this dude deserves you? You are beautiful and don't need this fool. Let me show what love really is. Just wait on my time. I have the answer you have been searching for."
Now, I wish this guy would have just said something like," Hey Lex, I made it all this way to come here to spend time with you. Instead of hitting the bed, let's hit the table. I'll make you some coffee. I want to talk to you and get to know you more because I truly care so much about you."
And you know what I've decided, I am going to wait for this man.
Long have I hated who I was I before: the careless and unforgivable sinner.
I have been embracing the wait and the future is already looking beautiful again.
I admire the man who can put aside the desire for lust and long for the treasure of girl's heart.
And let me tell you the truth, men are not the only ones who long for sexual desires. Girls do, too.
Let's be mindful of that.
With that being said, I need to constantly remind myself that my thoughts and longings should be ones focused on the man upstairs.
I have repented so hard and to this day it is still unbelievably difficult to forgive myself for my decisions.
If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat.
How can I ever tell my future husband I couldn't wait for his unending love?
Instead, I threw away the one thing that is to be held so precious.
The one gift we could share for forever.
This guy I was with now has this piece of me in his pocket. A piece that is so difficult to rebuild.
I can feel when he throws his pants in laundry, because my eyes get teary.
I know when he is doing something he shouldn't because the rest of my heart hurts.
He knows every curve and every mark, not only on my body, but on that little significant piece, too.
It has taken rivers of tears, pain and agony to replicate the smallest millimeters of my heart back together.
So, why I want YOU to wait is because you are worthy and you are wonderful
And any man (or woman if you're a cool guy reading this) who sees this glow in you will wait, have patience and respect you.
And boy do I know that God has a remarkable plan for your life.
Please don't throw away a piece of you like I did. Stay with God and you will see the beauty he holds for your life.
I'm not married.
I can't say what it will be like in the future, but when I get there I am going to have to sit my man down and tell him what I've done to him. And that will be a hard day. I pray my husband loves me though I have already wronged him. I pray he has a heart like Jesus, who tells me he loves me everyday no matter what I've thrown away.
I want you to wait because no matter what your body tells you is ok, a piece of your heart is that much more precious than the flesh on your bones.
Please Wait,
Lex
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