Day 1: endlessly sobbing in my car, crying at work and putting on a brave face, it's so hard to be happy at the happiest place on earth
Day 2: I can't move, I don't want to get out of bed, there is no point, a good talk with a friend helps
Day 3: I can't feel, I have no motivation, this is day 3 I haven't eaten, another good talk with a good friend, crying over coffee
Day 4: I'm so afraid to feel again, another talk with a friend, I laughed for the first time, and I actually did my hair, I ate some chicken and had some tea, spent the night with good company but I find myself not wanting to do anything with anyone unless he's there but I have to force myself to go because being alone hurts too much
Day 5: this is the first week I've ever gone out in public with no makeup, I just stopped caring, this is the first day I haven't cried this morning, mornings and nights seem to be the hardest, dragging myself out of bed literally hurts, I hate going to sleep alone, I ate lunch & dinner yay!, I can't sleep, I stumbled upon a movie unknowingly & saw your name in the credits, & the love between these characters is much like I remembers of ours, I remember slow dancing in your bedroom, too & leaning in close to you, I can't sleep because I'm mourning all our sweet sweet memories and I'm afraid if I fall asleep I'll be letting them all slip away, I never want to forget my memories with you, but my hearts at 23% and I need to go to sleep, but I'm sobbing over this film because it's rather beautiful, I miss when you would call me to tell me you loved me, I wish I could tell you time and time again that you are the best of me, my room smells like popcorn, I ate some more, my hearts at 24%
Day 6: I woke up with a deep sadness, I ate some toast, I'm beginning to gain back my appetite, there is an outing I'm going to tonight and honestly I just wish he was going to be with me, I wish I was excited about going, I dug back into my bible today & started writing again, I'm pressing into Him because I realize now I have to choices: I can go back to my old ways and seek out really bad men and continue to let myself be used or I can seek out Jesus and continue to let myself be loved, in all my relationships with men I have always been let go, I've always been used, I've always been made to feel like I've never been enough, I haven't felt worthy in so long and this summer Jesus wrapped me up and said "No. You are, my love," and I pray that even through this He will show me goodness, He will whisper grace to me and He will heal me
Day 7: I cried this morning, I cried this afternoon, I haven't cried this evening but I feel the utmost of loneliness, when does the pain go away?
After a long phone conversation, I'm starting to believe that maybe this wasn't my fault, but what if I would have changed my ways?, what if I would have told you I missed you more?, would that have changed anything?
Day 8: just so much anxiety this morning, that I couldn't rest well. Then it happened, I saw you and all the anxiety came back followed by a sorrowful heart of purely missing your presence, and I wonder if you're still the same person or if you're changed, I wonder if you still care for me, I wonder if you still think about me, I wonder if you love me still, I wonder if you stopped
I have a lot of worry about going back to work, I'm nervous because the last time I worked I cried the duration of my shift, so I'm nervous about trying to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I'm falling apart, I can't wait to feel normal again
Day 9: I feel like I am coming to terms with everything, I got out and exercised for the first time in a week, and talked with a dear friend who knows my heart so well, she helped clarify a lot, I went home and journaled and prayed over the things I was feeling, I can forgive because HE forgives, I also had a realiziation or well maybe more of an attacking from Satan, I have te choice to cover up the pain I'm feeling, I could text my old fling and ask him for a cuddle sesh+, I could go back to tinder and find a guy willing to give me a one night stand, but I choose not to because I think I'm worth more than that, I think the lord loves me enough to be enough for me, I also thought back to the beginning of our relationship and realized that what he gave me then and the way he made me feel was so beautiful, and I want THAT again, I deserve THAT, Jesus wants THAT for me, and then I texted him
Day 10: I awoke today and felt good, I feel at peace, I went for a run on the beach and listened to dare you to move by switch foot, it made me run with purpose, Looking back at our relationship I see where we had some downfalls, I'm insecure, I couldn't put all my trust in him because not enough was in HIM, but through the hurt and pain that this summer has brought there has been so much good, I'm ALMOST thankful for the heartbreak because the lord is a good lord and he comes when I call him, weary and weak, I remember sobbing in the car Day 1 and screaming that God would come take the pain away, I don't want to cry all the time but I do always want to call on Jesus in my pain and in my happiness, through all this I do not feel angered and I can't really explain why, maybe because deep in my soul I do love him still, but thinking about it isn't that what Jesus wants us to do?, instead of anger bring forth as much grace as we can?, but I also know that not feeling angered and being willing to forgive now truly came from the lord not from me, I prayed so hard today because today was the day I would see him again, sitting at the coffee shop I was just shaking because I was so nervous for what the outcome of our conversation would be, it turned out SO GOOD, before meeting with him I prayed the lord would give me an ear to listen and that he would open both our hearts to be receptive of each other and of the lord, I prayed the lord would give me the right words and as I prayed I felt HIM everywhere, it was beautiful, I can forgive him, I think we still want to be a part of each other's lives, we just needto be molded for a time, we need to grow, we need Jesus, through the hurt and pain God has redeemed us, I am thankful for HIM and for him
