To be quite honest with you, I've just had the craziest week. Lots of heartache, pain and anxiety over the silliest of things. One of the hardest things for me is to let my heart seep vulnerability. Isn't it really hard to do hard things? There's this back little corner at my work & Its always been one of my favorite spots that I always pass. I walked by last night and stopped myself. I realized, in the midst of our lives, God provides a safe, sweet little corner for us to take refuge in & sometimes it just takes us to stop where we're at and be enthralled in who He is: providing us with these little peaceful corners. For in the silence. In the waiting. In the unknown. And in the storm. He gives us a safe corner with Him. And when you find Him your heart exhales, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you all along." And you can breathe.

Disney Goers

October 24, 2015 I landed my dream job. Since I was a child I had wanted a job here. My grandma, who worked there for 14 years, would take me all the time when I was kid. I remember walking around, in complete admiration of this place when I was younger: walking down the main street, smelling the popcorn, having one of those famed clam chowder bowls for lunch, spending time with my family, and nearly piddling myself after riding California Screamin’ for the first time. I was so thankful, each time I got to go. Moreover, I loved to hear my grandma talk about how much she loved working for a mouse. And now that I work here, I get to create the same magic my grandma created for me. It’ been a year that I have worked here and I have gotten pretty familiar with the people who come into my magical home. We call them the “Disney-Goers.” We have the Passholders, the Park-Hoppers and the Travelers. These groups of people are the ones we get to make the magic for and more often than not, we find they are the ones that make the magic for us Cast Members. They each are so different, in so many different ways, but they all come to the Mouse’s House seeking one thing: magic. 

The Passholders are quite interesting folk. They literally come from all over the place. I once met some guests on the parade route who lived in New York, but had Annual Passes to Disneyland, just for the fun of it. As you know, any wealthy New Yorker would have. If you aren't familiar with our Annual Passes, they are passes one can purchase that are good for a year of happiness. These passes aren't cheap, and a lot of times our guests like to remind us of that. I can tell you numerous times of guests exclaiming to me, “Excuse me ma'am, I’m an Annual Passholder and I deserve all your fastpasses and an explanation as to why it is so crowded, all your magic and if you could make the line shorter because it is so crowded today, if I could gain access through your exit because I don’t want to wait in this long line because it’s never this crowded when I come, if you have any fastpasses on you by chance because I want those to get away from the crowd, for you to tell me where an exclusive popcorn bucket can be found that was sold 3 years ago, what everyone is doing here and why it is so crowded on a Saturday because I come here 3 times a week and it is never this crowded, if you can get me VIP seating to watch the fireworks show because you know I am an Annual Passholder and I just spent $5,000 to get my family in here and why is it so crowded today?” The thing about Passholders is that although they are privileged enough to come to Disneyland whenever they please, they have no Hakuna-Matata. They think they deserve all the bare-necessities Disney has to offer, to which they do, but they tend to approach us in really rude ways occasionally because they know they have these expensive passes and gain this “zero to hero” complex. Having a pass is like a power trip for some. On the other hand though, there are some pass holders whom I have met that have changed my life. Some have changed the way I work. Some that will be in my heart now and forever more. It's the moments with passholders that make them come back to see you. There is one guest who comes and visits me at two of my attractions. He first saw me splitting traffic and proudly told me that I was, “Working that walk way!” After that, he started coming around more, and when he brings his friends he will introduce me as “the girl with all the Star Wars puns.” I often see him around and I have to tell you, he is just one of my favorite people ever! He even helped me get through a breakup I was going through. He simply told me, “You are a girl worth fighting for.” How he knew I loved Mulan, I will never know, but he is one of the most positive and sweetest passholders I have ever met. I love seeing him roll around in his wheelchair, Mickey Ears on, and ready to bring a smile to my face whenever I see him. Like him, most of our passholders truly do believe that the dreams you wish do come true. And they prove this to me time and time again. 

The Park-Hoppers are our guests that purchase day tickets and come enjoy the en-en-en-nemities of the park(s). Here lies one of my favorite types of guests: the T-Shirt Families! T-Shirt Families are my favorite. You get this huge party ranging from 4-40 family members who come to the park. Usually this is their first time to the park or they haven’t come in years! So when they come, they will exclaim, “What?! There is a Carsland?” Go to Autopia, our drivable cars, and then get told that it’s in the park across the way. That’s when, full of excitement, they will all mutually cheer and just start running. I don't know if they know where they are running to, but they just start running away, faster than Lightning McQueen himself. They all are matching with the same logo and same color shirt. All celebrating either Nana’s 89th birthday or sporting the “Last Name” Family Vacation 2016 shirts. They are some of the most excited Park-Hoppers and some of my favorite. Within this group, we also find just our regular day guests like the First time in Foreverers (first time to Disneyland guests), the What Time is it? Summertime kids (the grad night kids), the Scooter-Gangs (squads of scooters coming in pack to run you over relentlessly), the PDA couples (publicly displaying a whole lot of affection throughout our parks for all the guests to see) and the Nemos (those who are completely lost). First-Timers are awesome. They are excited about literally everything: the parade, the First-Visit pin, the Mickey Ears, the only 60 minute wait, the fastpasses you get for free, the fireworks, the characters, the shows and the corn dogs. I love to welcome them into my home and they are always the most likely ones to use manners! “Please” and “Thank You” are terms that are seldom used, but greatly appreciated to a cast member. Having a guest acknowledge me by using my name or saying “please and thank you” truly makes my day. It makes me feel appreciated and that they have actually listened to the whole safety spiel I just gave them. As for the other day guests, they each make a cast member’s life more interesting with all their little innuendos. They want to be a part of your world and it’s our job to immerse them into it. They want to be where the people are: creating swarms of thousands waiting in Main Street for the fireworks. They want thinga-ma-bobs. Like all 20 pins on my trading lanyard. But who cares? It is usually no big deal. They just want more. Walking around on those what do you call them? Oh, LED light up shoes. Flipping me off doesn't get too far. Hands are required for tugging on that yellow strap. Strolling down along the...what’s that word again? Left-hand-side-of-the-street-when-I-asked-you-to-stay-to-the-right-hand-of-the-street. Up where they sit on our chains. Up where they run when they aren’t supposed to. Up where they stay all day in the sun and our 120 minute lines. Wandering free. Wish they could be. At Knott’s Berry Farm. 

Lastly, we have the Travelers. Travelers: as swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, and as mysterious as the dark side of the moon they make their way around the parks. Seemingly, they know what’s going on despite language barriers and the ultimate amount of culture shock. It is truly a whole new world for them, but they aren't afraid to go the distance to ask you questions like: “When is the 7:30 parade?” “The map says you close at midnight. What time is that at?” “How do I get to the airplane (monorail)?” “You said this was where you meet Kylo Ren. Is that a ride?” “Where do I find Bugs Bunny?” There are so many more, but these have always been some of my favorite Travelerisms. You must be thinking, “Those poor unfortunate souls,” but I have to tell you though, travelers are also some of the greatest folks. My friend and I once came into the park as guests one time and had an hour long conversation with a woman, from Australia, about how odd it is that we have orange cheese. I’ve struck up conversations with many other travelers who tell me about the countries they are from and how excited they are to have this opportunity to be here. They don’t get all tangled up in the American culture, they simply bring theirs to us. They are a beautiful reflection of where they’re from and I love to help them in whatever way I can. 

Working at Disneyland is a tale as old as time for me. I have wanted to work here since I was a child. True as it can be, guests don’t always have the best attitudes. But Disneyland has by far been my favorite job. I know I sound sarcastic in this essay, but I do love our guests. I love to tell them jokes, I love to tell them Star Wars puns and I love to make their day a little more magical. Everyday I tell myself before I go into work that, “Today I have the opportunity to make some magic, grant a wish, give a laugh, receive a smile and make a day.” Our guests are special to me, and when they come to my home, I want them to know they have a friend in me. And a friend in all of us. For they all deserve the same magic my grandma once gave to me. The Passholders, The Park-Hoppers and The Travelers are all unique in their own special  ways. They all paint the colors of the wind quite differently, but they are all invited to be our guests, to be our “Disney-Goers,” and to have all their dreams come true.

Alexis Ramdhani                                    

9/20/2016

Lopez                                                    English 100     

                  Grace Upon Grace

    May 16th, 2016, I laid on a table in a large room. I was ready. I was willing. I was definitely sweating. I was nervous, excited and trying to be brave. But that's hard to do when you have so much anticipation backing every thought: Am I making the right decision, Is this really what I want, What if i regret this? Luckily, I had a good hand to hold to squeeze. That’s grace. Help. Comfort. Support. Grace in the face of pain. I realized that moment was quite symbolic to my life. Having my hand held in my moment of anxiety is grace. I laid there wondering what funny facial expressions I would be making during this painfully awkward and exciting moment, but I knew this was what I wanted. “Are you ready,” he said, and I knew there was no going back. Today, on the inside of my right arm I have the words “grace upon grace”  forever tattooed to me. From that day on, they have remained as a reminder of the boundless amount of grace I have witnessed and received in my life. “Grace upon grace” is what I try to live by, what I have been given (according to John 1:16) and it’s the thing I want to give the most of. There was a time when I thought I had given up on grace, until there came a time I learned my life would completely changed. Ultimately, only grace would help get me through this. It was in these crucial years of my life that I learned to cultivate this beautiful thing called grace. I learned the truth to it, I learned how it has affected others and I've learned how my story has been affected by grace. That’s grace upon grace. It's endless. It's for everyone, and I'm excited to share it with you.

Grace is one of those funny terms that has no definitive meaning. Let's take the term “tree,” for example. We all pretty much know that a tree is a woody perennial plant, typically having a single stem or trunk growing to a considerable height and bearing lateral branches at some distance from the ground (Google.com). You can look out your window at a tree and go, “Yes. That’s a tree. I like that tree,” because, frankly, you know the meaning and association to what a tree is. But I couldn't tell you where grace is. Some people actually carry the name Grace, which is beautiful in and of itself. Therefore, I can point out a person and tell you, “That’s Grace. She's awesome. You should know Grace,” but I can't point to something like a jar of Nutella and tell you that’s grace (I mean in my world it is if we’re being quite honest, here) because grace isn't physical. It's something you feel in your heart and experience with your soul. The cool thing about grace is that everyone truly has their own meaning behind the term. Grace can mean many things either referring to a personal definition or in application to the way something or someone acts. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it states it is, ”A way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward,” or ,”A controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving.” Grace is the presence itself brings. But to some it means,“The free and unmerited favor of God...and the bestowal of blessings” (Google.com). Grace is a gift. Author, Wayne Jackson, from Christiancourrier.com says grace is, “...thrilling beyond words. It shines the brightest in the dark.” Grace is derived from the Greek word “charis,” which means “to rejoice or to have a sweetness.” Even the word grace, itself, is a graceful word! When I say the word, or look at the words tattooed upon my arm, I become joyous and excited because I know how something so simple as this little word has affected my life so deeply.

Like I said, grace has a different meaning to everyone. So, I asked some of my friends and family what the word grace means to them. The beautiful thing behind this word is that it has affected everyone so differently and so greatly. Grace is seemingly flexible and moreover infinite. It is an invitation to everyone. An invite to the party called “Happiness.” My coworker and dear friend, Jenna, said, “Grace is something God wants us to have and give because He has it for us and gives it to us freely. The dictionary defines it as doing honor or credit to one by your presence and that's exactly it. By giving and receiving grace we’re honoring God for all that He has done.” How much more right could she be? Think of someone you love: a family member, a friend, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your spouse or even your pet. Isn't their presence calming? Isn't it graceful? Don't you desire to be closer to them because it brings you peace and happiness? That's grace. That's the hand-hold, I mentioned earlier. (And on many days, that's the Nutella in the cupboard). Another coworker of mine and wonderful friend, Juran, said, “I think it's something you can have, something you can give, and something you can do. It's elegance and its presence, it's forgiveness.” All in all, exceptionally true! Good friends Moriah, Rachel, Ashley and cousin, Melissa, all said similar statements in which grace is not only humbling, but it is, “A beautiful and yet an undeserved gift God has given us.” This reflects the different ways God has used grace in their lives. Some more friends, Samantha and Allyson, stated that it's a form of art: “It is bringing peace and calm to something even when there is no clarity. It is underserved and unnerved but has the ability to ’diffuse a potential explosion.’” It is light in the dark. It is the sunshine in the storm. It is the wind that breaks the stillness. It is the calm that excites your existence. It’s the best gift to give and the most humbling to receive.

    You see, about 8 years ago, my family and I decided to make a change. That change would involve moving in with my grandmother who had succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease. We stepped into her life, not in grace at the time, but in bravery, astounded as to how we would tackle this new adventure in our lives. Boy, was it an adventure. The first few years were my grandmother forgetting things we laugh at when we do ourselves: forgetting to turn the hose off in the garden leaving an everlasting pond in a forest of roses, putting silverware in the plate cupboard, occasionally forgetting names, telling the same story we loved to hear again and again, leaving the front door wide open to welcome the strays of the street, or not knowing how to cut a piece of chicken my mom had made for dinner. And what was so great, was that she would laugh at herself for the silly things she would do. That's grace: forgiving yourself and others for the silly things we do in life. It was in the later years to come that I learned to be still, to be brave and to know that there are boundless amounts of grace to given and to be had. 

    As the years passed, the disease grew. What had gone from simple things forgotten turned to not knowing people, the inability to walk, feed herself, forgetting how to communicate and how to care for herself. She had reverted back to having these child-like needs. But it was here I learned how grace works: I learned to remain still, when the going got tough and I learned to be brave and fight back the fears and tears of what was becoming of my grandma. But grace remained, and although at times I didn't see it, it was always there. Grace is putting someone else before yourself. It's the hand-hold. It's most often times your presence. As the years passed and the disease grew, so did my heart for my grandmother. These were some of the hardest years of my life, but through this experience, I learned that grace truly conquers all, and that I could love my grandmother better by offering her the grace that I knew my faith had offered to me. 

    Everyone has their definition of grace. To some it is a presence you bring about: Being beautiful and graceful in a situation. To others, it's about the faithfulness God provides to you, so that you can give it to others. Caring for my grandmother taught me that grace is beautiful and it is present. Grace is caring with an infinite bliss. Grace is being present in the most humbling way. Grace is being still in moving times. Grace is brave. “Grace upon grace” is tattooed to my arm for a reason. That is what I've been given my whole life and it's the only thing worth giving away. 

I miss you most

There are days I miss you most

And there are nights I miss you more

I don't think I want to ever be in love again

If its going to hurt like this

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt

I'm really damn good at it

But it's night like these where in the late hours of the night and wee hours of the morning

I wish your hand was next to mine

And I wish your heart were aligned with mine 

Why?

Why. 

Why do you encompass my mind so

Why do you always seem to be so present even when you're not so near 

Why is that you have this grip on my heart but no intentions in mind 

Why did you just let me go ?

Why can't I get you out 

Why didn't I try 

Why won't I move on 

Why did I let Hope die?

Why can't we just be together 

Why can't we make us happen 

Why couldn't we have tried 

Why won't we ?

I have all the whys 

you seem to hold most of the answers 

I wish You had some whys 

I think the part that hurts the most is that I'm the one left with whys 

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt. 

Comfortable

The other day someone read to me. 

And it brought back sweet day dreams of when my mother used to read to me before bed. It was one of the best ways to fall asleep. 

I long to be read to. 

I want to hear your voice. 

Its like when you read to me, I get to read the story that is you. And that makes me feel safe.

That's intimacy, I believe. 

Reading one another. Feeling safe.

Being able to open a story & getting lost in it together. 

I want someone to read to me before I go to sleep. 

Tell me a story and I'll tell you mine. 

Make me comfortable. 

Wrapped in your arms and tangled in your mind. 

Read me the words like I've never heard them before. 

May your voice bring comfort as I lay away.

Comforted by your embrace & grace as you read made a story I've heard a million times. 

-comfort me

There was something so perfect

I remember the first night you told me you loved me

There was something so perfect

And from then on, every time you told me you loved me, I fell a little more in love with you

Because something about the tenderness in your voice, the grace upon your lips and the amount of love that backed those words made me believe you 

They were perfect words

Coming from a perfect you

A perfect you who was perfect for me

I felt as though your "I" meant only you. 

Your "love" meant endless.

And your "you" meant forever. 

And when you put them together like that, it was the perfect melody. 

The one song my heart longed to hear.

The one tune that made her skip a beat.

The one tone that made me glow. 

The one masterpiece built just for me.

The one echo that still rings in my head and stings my heart. 

I will always wonder if you knew what my "I Love You" sounded like..

And if you knew that when I said "I," I meant my heart. 

When I said "love," I meant all of it.

And when I said "you," I meant my person. 

There was something so perfect in the way you said,"I love you." 

I knew you meant it.

And it was so easy to tell you because it was so naturally perfect for you. 

It was like you were always meant to be in my heart, so saying those words were automatically yours. 

There was something so perfect about how you broke my heart.

It was like you knew exactly how to do it. 

Because you knew it so so well. 

So as I sit here, still as heart broken as could be, I think about those perfect words.

There was something so perfect.

They fit perfectly into my heart. 

Only to be cut out, ever so perfectly. 

-my heart hurts

I don't think there are words to describe just how much I miss you. 

-missing

Coping

I'm realizing the only way I know how to cope with my own pain, is to make others happy. 

Whether that's by encouraging others or making people laugh, it fills that void. 

There's something truly lovely about making others happy that makes me forget why feeling sad is even a thing. 

Bitter....but...

You used to say how much more you loved me than I loved you. 

How silly am I to believe that could have been true.

when it was so easy for you to walk away without a simple good bye. 

You know my heart and I know yours. I just lost track of where yours was going. But you've always known where mine was: with you.

And as I lay here missing you, saddened, and feeling more broken than I ever have before, how is it that you could have ever loved me more? 

But you needed to walk away. 

Jesus needs you right now. 

He has a good plan for you 

And for me.

And I pray every day we still get to be a part of each others walk because you were my best friend. 

So still I look back & know that we both have this amazing potential to love.

And when Jesus allows us to thrive off that, our stories will truly be beautiful.

Our love has been my favorite story

So maybe its not about who loved each other most, but more about how we brought Christ's love to each other. 

And I pray we strive to be those people.

Because although I may feel as though I loved you more, Jesus loves you most.

-fighting the hurt

The Man I Pray For

This is a list I've been working on for a little while. 

I think it's important that women do this. Now , I really don't expect for each of these things to be fulfilled, but this is just what I woul love, love, love. 

Some may seem a little silly, but most are from the depths of my heart. 

Jesus provides. And I trust him. 

I pray for a man who loves Jesus.

I pray for a man who will pursue my heart and soul. 

I pray for a man who brings me closer to Jesus. 

I pray for a man who is admired for his love for Jesus. 

I pray for a man who sings to me. 

I pray for a man who trusts me and when I begin to question everything, he's present. 

I pray for a man who won't run. 

I pray for a man who loves deeply.

I pray for a man with compassion for people and passion for his gifts. 

I pray for a man who inspires me and those around him. 

I pray for a man my siblings look up to.

I pray for a man who's parents adore me. 

I pray for a man who loves coffee and knows how I take mine on certain days.

I pray for a man who will hold me and not let me run. He will chase me and hold me close to him. 

I pray for a man who will dance with me. 

I pray for a man who will watch I Love Lucy with me. 

I pray for a man with a vision, who is not idly stuck. 

I pray for a man who is slow to anger. 

I pray for a man who loves bread, butter and wine as much as I. 

I pray for a man who wings Disney karaoke on road trips with me.

I pray for a man who communicates. 

I pray for man who is romantic

I pray for a man who likes Disney, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings like I. 

I pray for a man who makes me laugh. 

I pray for a man who prays for and with me. 

I pray for a man who will stay. 

I pray for a man who reminds me of my worth.

I pray for a man who is honest.

I pray for a man who is strong and wise. 

I pray for a man who is a gentlemen: who pays the bills, opens the door, walks me to the door, waits for a text that I got in ok, who waits until I get home before he goes home, who kisses me goodnight. 

I pray for a man that will ask for my father's permission. 

I pray for a man that respects my mom. 

I pray for a man who treats me like a princess. 

I pray for a man who saves me a seat in church. 

I pray for a man with tattoos... I like tattoos.

I pray for a man who is understanding and when he hears my story, he will be forgiving. 

I pray for a man who cries when I walk down to meet him at the altar. 

I pray for a man who knows his worth is in You, Lord. 

I pray for a man who makes others laugh. 

I pray for a man who reads the Bible with me.

I pray for a man who will read to me.

I pray for a man who fights for me. 

I pray for a man who recognizes his gifts. 

I pray for a man who prays over dinner.

I pray for a man who is my best friend. 

I pray for a man who is courageous. 

I pray for a man who is brave. 

I pray for a man who likes to explore and adventure with me.

I pray for a man who calls just to hear my voice.

I pray for a man who surprises me, in all the best ways.

I pray for a man who knows all my favorite things, places and the like. 

I pray for a man who likes to build with his hands. 

I pray for a man who calls to say goodnight.

I pray for a man with big, but gentle hands. 

I pray for a man who compliments me.

I pray for a man who finds me beautiful, all the days of my life. 

I pray for a man for a man who always speaks kindly of me to others.

I pray for a man who adores me. 

I pray for a man who writes to me. 

I pray for a man who leaves me flowers and sweet notes. 

I pray for a man I can forgive any day.

I pray for a man who can forgive me any given day.

I pray for a man in which his hand fits perfectly into mine.

I pray for a man with nice arms and an even better butt. (Shut up. A girl can dream right!)

I pray for a man who dreams about me not only in the night, but also in the day. 

I pray for a man who thinks I'm a pretty sleeper...because I'm not so pretty when I wake up.

I pray for a man who enjoys pizza and just lots and lots of food like me,but also knows how important hitting the gym is to me. 

I pray for a man who holds me when I have an anxiety attack and tells me it's going to be ok. 

I pray for a man who holds me while watching the fireworks, my favorite. 

I pray for a man who will slow dance with me in the street.

I pray for a man who kisses my forehead. 

I pray for a man who will protect me and makes me feel safe. 

I pray for a man who loves me unconditionally. 

I pray for a man who acknowledges me.

I pray for a man who will rap the guy part in "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey and lets me sing the Mariah part... Badly.

I pray for a man who's favorite Disney princess movie is Beauty and the Beast, so our first dance can be to "Beauty and the Beast" by Celine Dion.

I pray for a man who gives me his jacket when I'm cold. 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh.

I pray for a man who longs for my presence. 

I pray for a man who likes to cuddle. 

I pray for a man who is my shoulder to lean and cry on. 

I pray for a man who tells me stories before bed. 

I pray for a man who is smart with his wallet. 

I pray for a man who saves. 

I pray for a man who is a good teacher.

I pray for a man I admire.

I pray for a man who waits for me. 

I pray for a man with a gentle voice. 

I pray for a man who hugs me all the time.

I pray for a man who desires to only kiss me for the rest of his life.

I pray for a man who is my peace and my calm. 

I pray for a man who will hold me while we fall asleep together and who will say a prayer with me before bed. 

I pray for a man who doesn't let an issue go until the next morning. We will figure out a problem until the sun comes up.

I pray for a man who will go to a J Cole concert with me, amongst others.  

I pray for a man who understands that sometimes I need to be alone and is not afraid to let me go, knowing I will come home. 

I pray for a man my friends love. 

I pray for a man who apologizes.

I pray for a man who owns up.

I pray for a man who recognizes when I'm hurting. 

I pray or a man who calls me "Sugar." 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh. 

I pray for a man who's laugh I adore. 

I pray for a man with an old soul like mine: who likes Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole as much as I. 

I pray for a man who will have insane tickle fights with me. 

My Fragile Heart

You have to be careful. 

My heart is completely wrapped up in caution tape. 

She's been tattered and torn. 

And I'm trying to keep her safe. 

Each day is a new struggle. 

Each day is a new one to overcome. 

We wake up sad.

We gain little strength through the day. 

We go to sleep alone. 

I've been so careless with her. 

And you knew that. 

I've worn her, not on my sleeve, but around my neck. 

And when you left, she choked me. 

Hope. That's Hope when she fails you. 

Hope is so fragile now. 

I trusted you with Hope. You knew this. 

She has always been so delicate.

A precious gift Jesus planted in me as a child. 

"Here's your heart, child. Here's Hope. Take care of it as I feed into it," he says. 

Hope and I have been through so much in the past 22 years. 

We've fought battles together, we've been beaten together, we've fought each other and we've also defeated together.

My little, Hope. 

She had so much in you. 

I'm terrified to love again. 

I don't think I can ever love anyone the way I loved you. 

I don't think I ever want anyone to be that close to her again knowing someone had that much power to destroy her.

How can I ever trust anyone with Hope again if they all turn out the same?

Because she's scarred and scared. She's never been worth the fight, just the defeat.

And I am equally afraid. 

But you've tattooed your name to her. 

And I've been trying to tell her that she can't wear your name forever. 

My little Hope I have left longs for Jesus. 

So I will wait for him. 

With my fragile, delicate Hope. 

We wait for him.

- a delicate heart 

What not to say to the girl who's heart is breaking

So, in a lot of past relationships, I have been able to get over them pretty quick because in all honestly, were they even real? No. And I knew I was taking the high road by leaving them in the dust.

This time around though, with my first real relationship, I have had the hardest time with my heart. 

I'm suffering from a deep deep pain. And usually, I'm the brave one. I will put a smile on my face and tell you nothing is wrong, well I'm here to tell you I'm really not ok. I know with time, the pain will ease away but as for now, I hurt tremendously. 

Amongst these feelings I've gotten some great advice, and some not so great advice. I am SO thankful for good friends that encourage me and chase me to tell me they love me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. 

But, amongst some others I've heard some really hard and hurtful things. Things that hurt my heart. Here ya go:

1. "Just be happy."

I simply cannot.

2. "He wasn't good enough for you."

Well, a few weeks ago I definitely thought he was so...

3. "You are going to look back and ask yourself why you were whining about this in the first place?"

First of all, excuse me?

Second of all, hahah excuse me?

4. "The best thing to do now is just move on to someone else right now."

HAHAHA WHAAAAT. 

5. "Next month, I better see a smile on your face."

And if I don't...?

6. "He never cared about you."

That's funny, I thought this was my relationship, not yours.

7. "I don't like him." 

Ya but like....I loved him.

8. "There are plenty of fish in the sea, lex."

But only a few worth every sand dollar I can find 

So these are just some of the hurtful things I've heard. 

What have you heard? How did it hurt you? Because as broken as my heart already was, these things made me shatter a little more every time I heard them. 

So what did I need to hear? 

I needed to hear: 

1. I love you. 

2. I'm here for you.

3. I'm taking you out, let's go. 

4. It's ok to cry. 

5. I made you cookies. 

6. Let's pray. 

7. I'm here to listen. 

8. He loved you. 

Heart break hurts, but if you surround yourself with good people they help mend the brokenness day by day. 

It gets better, I promise you. 

With time and with God. 

In my time of pain and suffering, it's so important to just look up, just look up. 

His arms are open. 

The Days of the Broken Hearted

Day 1: endlessly sobbing in my car, crying at work and putting on a brave face, it's so hard to be happy at the happiest place on earth

Day 2: I can't move, I don't want to get out of bed, there is no point, a good talk with a friend helps

Day 3: I can't feel, I have no motivation, this is day 3 I haven't eaten, another good talk with a good friend, crying over coffee

Day 4: I'm so afraid to feel again, another talk with a friend, I laughed for the first time, and I actually did my hair, I ate some chicken and had some tea, spent the night with good company but I find myself not wanting to do anything with anyone unless he's there but I have to force myself to go because being alone hurts too much

Day 5: this is the first week I've ever gone out in public with no makeup, I just stopped caring, this is the first day I haven't cried this morning, mornings and nights seem to be the hardest, dragging myself out of bed literally hurts, I hate going to sleep alone, I ate lunch & dinner yay!, I can't sleep, I stumbled upon a movie unknowingly & saw your name in the credits, & the love between these characters is much like I remembers of ours, I remember slow dancing in your bedroom, too & leaning in close to you, I can't sleep because I'm mourning all our sweet sweet memories and I'm afraid if I fall asleep I'll be letting them all slip away, I never want to forget my memories with you, but my hearts at 23% and I need to go to sleep, but I'm sobbing over this film because it's rather beautiful, I miss when you would call me to tell me you loved me, I wish I could tell you time and time again that you are the best of me, my room smells like popcorn, I ate some more, my hearts at 24%

Day 6: I woke up with a deep sadness, I ate some toast, I'm beginning to gain back my appetite, there is an outing I'm going to tonight and honestly I just wish he was going to be with me, I wish I was excited about going, I dug back into my bible today & started writing again, I'm pressing into Him because I realize now I have to choices: I can go back to my old ways and seek out really bad men and continue to let myself be used or I can seek out Jesus and continue to let myself be loved, in all my relationships with men I have always been let go, I've always been used, I've always been made to feel like I've never been enough, I haven't felt worthy in so long and this summer Jesus wrapped me up and said "No. You are, my love," and I pray that even through this He will show me goodness, He will whisper grace to me and He will heal me 

Day 7: I cried this morning, I cried this afternoon, I haven't cried this evening but I feel the utmost of loneliness, when does the pain go away?

After a long phone conversation, I'm starting to believe that maybe this wasn't my fault, but what if I would have changed my ways?, what if I would have told you I missed you more?, would that have changed anything? 

Day 8: just so much anxiety this morning, that I couldn't rest well. Then it happened, I saw you and all the anxiety came back followed by a sorrowful heart of purely missing your presence, and I wonder if you're still the same person or if you're changed, I wonder if you still care for me, I wonder if you still think about me, I wonder if you love me still, I wonder if you stopped 

I have a lot of worry about going back to work, I'm nervous because the last time I worked I cried the duration of my shift, so I'm nervous about trying to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I'm falling apart, I can't wait to feel normal again

Day 9: I feel like I am coming to terms with everything, I got out and exercised for the first time in a week, and talked with a dear friend who knows my heart so well, she helped clarify a lot, I went home and journaled and prayed over the things I was feeling, I can forgive because HE forgives, I also had a realiziation or well maybe more of an attacking from Satan, I have te choice to cover up the pain I'm feeling, I could text my old fling and ask him for a cuddle sesh+, I could go back to tinder and find a guy willing to give me a one night stand, but I choose not to because I think I'm worth more than that, I think the lord loves me enough to be enough for me, I also thought back to the beginning of our relationship and realized that what he gave me then and the way he made me feel was so beautiful, and I want THAT again, I deserve THAT, Jesus wants THAT for me, and then I texted him

Day 10: I awoke today and felt good, I feel at peace, I went for a run on the beach and listened to dare you to move by switch foot, it made me run with purpose, Looking back at our relationship I see where we had some downfalls, I'm insecure, I couldn't put all my trust in him because not enough was in HIM, but through the hurt and pain that this summer has brought there has been so much good, I'm ALMOST thankful for the heartbreak because the lord is a good lord and he comes when I call him, weary and weak, I remember sobbing in the car Day 1 and screaming that God would come take the pain away, I don't want to cry all the time but I do always want to call on Jesus in my pain and in my happiness, through all this I do not feel angered and I can't really explain why, maybe because deep in my soul I do love him still, but thinking about it isn't that what Jesus wants us to do?, instead of anger bring forth as much grace as we can?, but I also know that not feeling angered and being willing to forgive now truly came from the lord not from me, I prayed so hard today because today was the day I would see him again, sitting at the coffee shop I was just shaking because I was so nervous for what the outcome of our conversation would be, it turned out SO GOOD, before meeting with him I prayed the lord would give me an ear to listen and that he would open both our hearts to be receptive of each other and of the lord, I prayed the lord would give me the right words and as I prayed I felt HIM everywhere, it was beautiful, I can forgive him, I think we still want to be a part of each other's lives, we just needto be molded for a time, we need to grow, we need Jesus, through the hurt and pain God has redeemed us, I am thankful for HIM and for him

The Coffee Date

Sitting here in this coffee shop. 

I have a wonderful cup off piping hot coffee in front of me.

I'm listening to the ambience. Taking it all in. 

I picture Jesus sitting across from me.

Waiting to listen.

Wanting to hear me. 

Taking out time in his day for me.

My coffee date.

My sweet, sweet coffee date. 

Jesus is a story teller. If you read through scripture, he uses parables quite often.

We can look at Matthew 13 and see all he spoke of! 

His parables offer teaching. His words offer hope. His ways offer life. 

Aside from his wonderful stories, he's a great listener. 

He has an ear so keen that when I share my stories with him, 

I feel his presence. And I feel him near. 

I feel like he smiles when I tell him stories of triumph and joy.

He weeps with me when I tell him my struggles and stories of my brokenness.

And he laughs with me when I tell him about embracing my awkward life. 

He sees me for who I am: broken, but enough.

I like to think of how much he loves and how devoted he is to us.

He is committed to be a part of your story. 

He promises to walk with you. 

To sit across the table from you. 

To whisper sweet things to you. 

To allow you to trust him as your confidant. 

To be with you. 

To make sure you drive home safe.

And to love you. 

So here is my ultimatum: 

Your story matters. 

And I want to hear you. 

Because I totally love you.

Let me treat you to coffee.

Tell me your story. 

It would be an honor to sit with you.

I would love to listen to you.

Because sometimes, we just need someone to sit across the table from us.

Gandalf'd

I'm usually a morning person.
But my mornings consist of walking up at 7:30, making coffee, reading my bible, journaling all whilst under the covers of my bed. 
Except on street sweeping day. 

This morning I woke up with a loud BANG BANG on my bedroom door.
"LEX!! LEX!! ITS STREET SWEEPING DAY!!! LLLLLLEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXX!" from Kaegan. 

In blurry confusion I immediately ran outside to move my car. 
I gazed upon the beast as he swept down my street with a jolt of 4 miles per hour on that puppy. 
He was fast approaching. I knew what I had to do.

And thats where I Gandalf'd him: 
"Youuuuu shallll not SWEEEEEEEEEPPP!" 
from the other side of my street. 

He barely even noticed but I hopped in and drove off, parked and was content. I walked back home and gave a thumbs up to the parking guy trailing him. 
For today. Citation boy, Sweeper Man and Gandalf herself knew today was the day
I was not getting a ticket. Today. I won. 

And was reminded that sometimes, in the midst of all things that are good, like easy mornings, you'll get an awakening that puts you out of your good mood. 
And you just gotta embrace that sucker. You will meet your beast. 
And usually Jesus will come pounding on your heart like "WAKE UP. I LOVE YOU. Go get em, wild girl! " 
And with him, you always win.

Make Me Brave.

Sitting here in this hammock, I am in awe of who the Lord is. 

I am captivated by the amount of grace he continues to show me. 

That is all he has continued to give me my whole life: grace upon grace. 

He has been the great comforter I've needed. 

He's been cultivating bravery in my heart. 

He's been present and he's remained. 

That is who he is: insurmountable grace. 

Oh, Nice.

As I sit outside watching the sun set over the mountains in San Diego, I am full of grief. 

I just heard about what happened in Nice, France and I am broken for the people. 

My mind started racing, asking questions like "How can I help?! What can I do?! Take my blood! I don't need it!!"

And I had nowhere to turn, so I turned to the mountains. 

I observed their everlasting beauty and watched as the sun set over the horizons. 

As night fall came, one star has remained in the sky (or maybe a planet!)

But it has remained and it is beautiful. 

It's Jesus. 

That is the only star that is currently lighting up my sky here in SD.

He's present. 

He is here. 

I prayed for Nice. 

I began thinking about decisions I've made this week....actually the lack of decision making.

Because I have decided to stop making decisions. 

Jesus, it's your turn. 

And I trust you. 

I'm sitting here listening to "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin and what he says rings so true:

You're a good good father

It's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am

You are perfect in all of your ways

To us

It's love so undeniable 

I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still 

Into love 

Isn't that such a beautiful thing. Can you grasp that?

God is so perfect in his love for us. It is who he is. 

And I'm loved. 

How often do we believe that? 

I am loved. I am so loved. 

He loves you. He loves France. 

Be still and wait on him.

He wil make revelations so clear that when you stare out at your mountains, you will know it's been him. 

See it?

Embrace the Awkward: #1

Hi. I'm Alexis. 
And if you haven't seen my snapchat story from the other day...Let me tell you about my awkward life. 
I was at the gym in the big room ya know just doing some crunches and stuff when I noticed this dude walking up to me. 
"Hey. Do you have the time," he says. 
"Ya..Its 10:30" 
Then he walks away. Good plan. MIND YOU...There's a giant clock in the back of the room. 
THEN he walks BACK up to me and asks what my name is...Little did he realize that I was mid swig of water and as i went to reply I just kind of spit my water out everywhere. 
Luckily, I think I traumatized the poor guy, from being so close to the splash zone, and he asked if I was ok and said, "Cool. Well maybe ill see you around." Prob not. 

Moral here: ladies, if you want to get a guy away from you, just spit your water out..Just spit it out. 

I'm Alexis. And this is my awkward life. Welcome to it.

Encouragement for me and for you.

OH MAN. 

I have not written IN SO LONG. 

I was so avid about writing because it brings so much joy to my life, but with all the hustle and bustle of life, I have not had a still moment in such a long time. 

With work, family ties, a new relationship and figuring out a new career option I haven't had a chance.

And as I lay here in San Diego, I am still, finally. 

That is something I have been trying to cultivate this summer: Stillness. Being Still. (exo 14:14, baby)

Because I don't know about you, but I stress, man. 

And when I stress, it can come with a vengeance. 

I have a bad tendency of trying to handle tasks all alone. And trying to take control of every situation I can. That does not work, my friends. Not in the past. Not now and certainly not in the future. 

This summer, I've been traveling through Psalms in my bible. I love Psalms. It's like reading poems every day. And it is perfect that now is the time I have been reading them. Having made the choice to not go into chiropractics any more, I have felt so lost. And guess what comes with feeling lost? NOT BEING STILL, THAT'S WHAT. I thought that becoming a chiropractor was going to define my life. I had been planning on becoming a chiropractor since the beginning of high school and worked my tail off to figure out all the steps needed to get there. 

Can I tell you that reading through Psalms has changed that view of mine? 

I do not have to be a chiro to make something of my life. 

It has taken so long for me to realize that. 

You do not have to be anything. God will see to it that you do to be. 

Today, I have found encouragement in Psalm 45 & I want to share with you some encouragement:

Psalm 45:1 "...my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer."

HOLY COW. I love this. I mean I'm sure back in the day they said stuff like this, but I certainly wouldn't go up to the bagger boy at the grocery store and tell him my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer...like no.Can you imagine?

Bag boy: here are your groceries, lex!

Me: Cool! Thanks! Also. My tongue...ya. It's a pen. 

Bag boy:...what

Me: belongs to a skillful writer....nbd. 

Again....like no. 

But just think about that for a minute: what I say, comes from God. The potential I have behind my words have power. Can you imagine? A god so skillful in his ways can use you. No not can. HE IS! HE WILL! HE IS RIGHT THIS SECOND. I don't know what plans God has for me yet, but I rest in the fact that God has an immaculate plan for our lives. He is writing your story as you read this. He is a skillful writer and is writing your beautiful story. That is a wonderful thing. Rest in that.

Psalm 45:4 "...let your right hand display awesome deeds." 

The bible talks about right hands pretty often.

Even Drake thinks it's cool. (You're my right hand, duh dun dun dun)

More specifically God's right hand. He uses his right hand mightily. 

What are you doing with your right hand?

You might be thinking "well lex, I'm scrolling through your long post here" or "I'm drinking coffee" or "nothing"

BUT REALLY what are you doing?

What awesome deed are you doing? If you're like me and you haven't quite found it yet, you will. I am telling you, you will. 

I've been dating this really awesome guy. And I think about the awesome that he's doing. He's serving God and so many kiddos at a camp this summer. What he's doing is AWESOME. He is displaying an awesome deed for God. And I admire him and all he's doing for the lord. It's been so encouraging to know that he he's using his hands for good and not being idle. He is creating an awesome space for kids to go and grow in their relationship with the lord. I am so proud of him. 

I want an awesome deed. I crave one. And I know it will come when the time is right. 

Pray that your deed comes your way. Surely it will. Be still. God's got goodness coming your way. 

Psalm 45:11 "...The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." 

I LOVE THIS. 

Ladies. 

YOU ARE SO STINKING BEAUTIFUL. DID YOU KNOW THAT?!

I have replayed this verse in my head all day today because I love this. 

Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but who you are on the inside thrives.

It's what makes you, uniquely you!  And The lord is ENTHRALLED by you.

And he stinking loves you to pieces!! 

Can you imagine finding a man someday that is just so in love with you that when he looks at you, he is just in awe?

Basically, every Disney movie. 

But that is the lord. He just adores you, sweet pea.

For most of my life, I never felt beautiful. I didn't feel pretty, nor did I like the person I was. 

I was bullied in junior high and became really insecure about my body. 

Then in high school, I realized that guys actually fed off my insecurities. I lacked self esteem and found that they were able to fill that void I had felt. 

Now, I look back and think about what a gosh darn fool I was. If only I had known that one man, Jesus, absolutely adored me, I would have been satisfied. 

Reading this today, has been the utmost of comforting. I am enough. I have enough to offer. 

For we are beautiful in the lords eyes. You are pretty. You are flawless. You are gorgeous. You are worth it. Your heart of gold glimmers. Your eyes like fire glisten. Your song flourishes by god's grace. You. Are. Just. Adored.

Some Extras: 

Psalm 46:1 "...God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

I like to recite this to myself when it's time to chill out lex and let God in.

Psalm 46: 5 "...God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." 

I'm pulling this out of context. This verse is really about the Earth and nations falling underway, but I like to think that maybe this is for you. Or for me. Or for who ever reads this. Maybe you need to know today that God is with you. He will not let you fall. He will be there to guide and lead you as soon as you wake up tomorrow. He's got a plan. He's got this. Do not fret little one. 

Hey. 

I love you. 

Thanks for readin' 

Adoring you from afar, 

Lex 

Tattoo Number 1

I got my first tattoo not to long ago!! 

Want to see? 

LOOOOOOK

My wonderfully sweet boyfriend held my hand through all the sweat and weird faces. 

He's just so sweet. 

So the tattoo I got is the phrase "grace upon grace."

Coming to you live from John 1:16. 

"For from his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace."

This is one of my favorite quotes. 

I feel as though it relates to my whole entire life and will continue to reflect on the way I live.

All my life God has shown me boundless amounts of Grace. 

Taking care of Nonna, going through tough times, feeling alone, watching God open up new doors for me and witnessing his awesomeness!! 

I never knew I could love my right arm as much as I do now. 

It feels as though it has always meat to be there. 

I can't imagine my arm looking any other way than with it right there. 

Here's the Thing

Hi. 

I'm Alexis. 

I am a Castmember.

And I LOVE my job. 

And here's the thing. 

A perk of working at the happiest place on Earth comes with some really rad benefits. 

I possess passes, I do. 

But these are not handed freely. 

I am finding that there is a price to pay with being a Castmember.

Denying others....all the time. 

I cannot begin to tell you how often I am asked to share these magical passes.

With people I don't know, with people I do know, with people I haven't talked to in YEARS. 

Somehow, the idea that I can hand these out so freely, has become so common.

And I'm sure I am speaking on behalf of many cast members. 

I feel used when you ask me. 

You've never texted me or called me to see how I am.

It's always just "Hey I heard you work at Disneyland...can you do me a solid..." 

Here's the other thing. 

Because I love my job so much, I want to share the magic with those close to me. 

Seriously...don't get offended if  I've denied you access. 

There really are days or months or weeks that I am blocked and can't help you. 

I cannot sell to you because that is not what I want to do nor what I should.

I work really hard at my job and I want to create magic for people ALL THE TIME. 

And Disney has offered me a really great gift in return for creating this for guests that come. 

And they say thank you to me by offering up these magical moments for my family and friends. 

With that, you should know:

My family comes first. Whenever they want to go, they will. 

I have not been able to even spend a full Disney day with them, because they are all only available on the weekends, when I'm working. So I will get them in, eat lunch with them and then take off to work.

I want to save all my passes for days that I can spend FULL, non working days with them.

 

My best friends come next. Those who are the closest to me. Those who have never ever asked me for a favor. Those who truly only want to spend time with me. 

I'm sorry if this upsets you.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I get asked at least once a week... And it hurts my feelings to tell you no.

Because you have to understand, I work hard for these passes and I feel like I deserve them. Shouldn't I want to spend these on people who actually want to spend time with me? 

I'm Trying Really Hard to Be Happy.

This semester has been the toughest thus far in my major. 

I took on 3 sciences. You heard right. THREE SCIENCES.

You're probably like, "Holy Crap Lex, you smart ass."

WRONG. 

I don't know why the fuck I did this to myself.

What was I thinking?!

I will tell you. I was thinking I could do it. 

I got cocky.

I said I could do it. 

And now I am more stressed than I have ever been. 

When I go to class, I stress myself out so much about feeling like a failure that 

I panic and then I swear to you, I can't hear what the teacher is saying and I can't read what is 

In front of me. The cortisol kicks in. 

And it takes it's toll. 

I avoid stress. When I am feel it coming, I do something else. 

That is what I have realized that I do. I avoid it and save it for later. 

Instead of facing it head on, it is easier to play hide and go seek. 

I hide and the stress will eventually find me. 

I ultimately made the decision not to go into chiropractics.

Which was very sad for me because I have planned on doing that since I was in high school.

And now I have no plans. No inclinations of what I would like to do. 

This sounds real bad, but I just want to make money. 

I think the only reason I was passionate about chiro was because of the money outlook...which honestly isn't THAT good but I kept telling myself I would be that good. 

And now I have no desire to see it through. 

If this was something I had really wanted, I would work harder in my classes and I might actually enjoy them! Aren't I supposed to have desire and passion for my career?

I also am so injured that I cannot picture myself caring for other people if I can't even take care of myself. 

I also realized, going through massage school, that I never wanted to massage people. It was very taxing on my body and I was not passionate about it anymore.

And people would tell me I was good, but no one ever said I was AMAZING at this. 

That is what I want. I want to be amazing at something. I want to find my calling and I want other people to be like, "Oh shit. This is her thing. She is so badass at this!."

But I have no clue what that looks like yet. 

And that is terrifying. I hate not knowing. 

I like having a plan and since I don't, I'm stressed. 

What if I don't find what I am supposed to do?

What if I make another wrong turn?

I am so lost

And so confused. 

I literally hate this. 

But it's going to be ok. 

I will be ok. 

I keep telling myself that but I don't think I believe it yet.

I am just relieved that I finally made the decision I have been contemplating for 2 years that I don't really want to go into chiropractics.

I wish I knew what I was passionate about. That's the tough thing about being me. I'm passionate about so many different things. Why can't I just choose one? 

Haha but I like having so many different passions, it calls for an interesting life. 

I will find what I am supposed to do. I've been praying and I know God was opening doors saying,"Lex, I have another plan for you."

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

Thanks for letting me vent

Love, lex