The Overflow

There are some pains you don't cry about. The ones that are too deep and too disheartening to give thought to. So you hold back.

And you know that even if you tried to let it free, it would take forever to mend the overflow. 

The Lack Thereof Theory

I have a theory:

I feel like girls who aren't close with their fathers seek out more male attention than those who are pretty close. 

Do tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I see this pattern in many of my companions. Heck, I think in this way too! 

Let's be honest. I'm not super close with my dad. Just don't get along and it's complicated, really. 

My high school years, I was a tad boy crazy. Alright, maybe not a tad, but I loved the attention!

I still crave male attention! Me and my dad's relationship has not improved in any way at all since high school. There is really. Just a lack, thereof. 

It stinks.

 I really would like to have a man in my life that I look up to, feel protected by, can be open with, and just totally loved by! 

Not having those feelings sucks! 

Wait a sec, before you say anything, I know I am loved, protected, and cared for by the an amazing amazing man: Jesus. I am beyond thankful for that. 

But this earthly father that God presented me with...what am I to do? 

I know that the lack of love here caused me to turn elsewhere for it. 

I still crave that same desire to be wanted and cared for, but I have to constantly remind myself that I should never abandon my father, for I was meant for him and he for me. 

I may not know the reason, but God does and I trust God has the best of reasons, beyond any I can ever fathom. 

It makes me sad, that awkward tension and lonliness and frustrations keep my dad and I apart. Sometimes, I feel like it will never go away. In fact, aside from the heartbreak of caring for my grandmother, I think this situation has to be the runner up. 

I think I'll be ok. 

Lex 

They keep

telling me to listen to my head

But my heart is lonely

It longs for fulfillment. 

It desires for a passion.

It wants to give a piece of itself away which is, I feel more admirable, than the courses my head would take. 

Heart Beats

I like your heart beat. 

I like the way it sounds.

I like that you allow me to get close enough, not only to your anatomical structure, but to your mind, too. 

I like the way I can feel it flow through your hand into mine when we hold each other at night. 

Each pulse flows from your vein to mine, intertwining into the jumble of emotions and potions I'll never seem to unwind. 

Back Burner Life

Awhile back ago it seems I got my heart kind of hurt. 

I'm going to be real with you and tell you I tried to fill in the cracks. 

I found a replacement soon after and I accidentally started to develop the feels. 

Well today, we had a discussion that being just friends is an ok thing. 

I feel sad.

But I'm also relieved becuase I KNEW  from the beginning it would never have worked out. We are two completely different people that love the same things. Weird right? He likes hot chocolate. I like coffee. But we both like jazz lounges.

Why was I looking forward to a lost cause?

You know what though? I'm glad it was now than later. Imagine if I had fallen in love with the guy and then we had this talk. I'd be pretty devastated.

So ya. It sucks. I'm not going to lie and say I'm currently happy but maybe it's God saying,"two times in a row I've taken out guys that weren't for you. Just pause and let me take care of everything you goob."

Funny because then I saw this today. 

I want my heart to fully heal before I like someone again. It didn't get that chance. It's been toyed with and lied to and stuck and hopeless and I'm over that. 

I want a guy who's going to full on pursue me. Not leave me guessing & get my hopes up.

So ya. I guess that's that! 

We're still totally friends though. 

It was nice to get my mind off the past heartbreak for awhile. 

You know, Truth is, no matter how long ago it was,  how it ended and what was lost it will still affect me. 

I have my moments where I'm angry at the situation or myself or just sad because I lost a friend. 

I never meant for what happened to happen. 

I know It shouldn't even be a thought in my head, but when you see posts about new relationships flourishing over social media it just makes you think...well what the heck? Where in the world...? Why? 

And it hurts your feelings because it happened within a moments notice. 

I tend to get left on the back burner a lot. I'm trying to figure out why still. 

But I think when it comes down to it I just need to chill out. 

I had a Tinder dude. HAD.

I deleted it today becuase what's the point anymore? 

Half the guys on there want something more than a meetup for a chimichanga. 

I don't need to look there for a good guy. 

So that's done. 

No more "looking" 

No hoping 

No wishing 

No waiting 

Just pausing 

Being thankful for what I have & what is yet to come 

Well here's my hearts content for tonight. 

It feels better getting it all out. 

I feel much better. Thank you for listening (: 

Did you have a good thanksgiving? Are you pumped for Christmas?!? 

I'm going to CaliChristmas on Friday!!! I'm so stoked!!! 

Ttfn

Lex