I miss you most

There are days I miss you most

And there are nights I miss you more

I don't think I want to ever be in love again

If its going to hurt like this

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt

I'm really damn good at it

But it's night like these where in the late hours of the night and wee hours of the morning

I wish your hand was next to mine

And I wish your heart were aligned with mine 

Why?

Why. 

Why do you encompass my mind so

Why do you always seem to be so present even when you're not so near 

Why is that you have this grip on my heart but no intentions in mind 

Why did you just let me go ?

Why can't I get you out 

Why didn't I try 

Why won't I move on 

Why did I let Hope die?

Why can't we just be together 

Why can't we make us happen 

Why couldn't we have tried 

Why won't we ?

I have all the whys 

you seem to hold most of the answers 

I wish You had some whys 

I think the part that hurts the most is that I'm the one left with whys 

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt. 

Comfortable

The other day someone read to me. 

And it brought back sweet day dreams of when my mother used to read to me before bed. It was one of the best ways to fall asleep. 

I long to be read to. 

I want to hear your voice. 

Its like when you read to me, I get to read the story that is you. And that makes me feel safe.

That's intimacy, I believe. 

Reading one another. Feeling safe.

Being able to open a story & getting lost in it together. 

I want someone to read to me before I go to sleep. 

Tell me a story and I'll tell you mine. 

Make me comfortable. 

Wrapped in your arms and tangled in your mind. 

Read me the words like I've never heard them before. 

May your voice bring comfort as I lay away.

Comforted by your embrace & grace as you read made a story I've heard a million times. 

-comfort me

There was something so perfect

I remember the first night you told me you loved me

There was something so perfect

And from then on, every time you told me you loved me, I fell a little more in love with you

Because something about the tenderness in your voice, the grace upon your lips and the amount of love that backed those words made me believe you 

They were perfect words

Coming from a perfect you

A perfect you who was perfect for me

I felt as though your "I" meant only you. 

Your "love" meant endless.

And your "you" meant forever. 

And when you put them together like that, it was the perfect melody. 

The one song my heart longed to hear.

The one tune that made her skip a beat.

The one tone that made me glow. 

The one masterpiece built just for me.

The one echo that still rings in my head and stings my heart. 

I will always wonder if you knew what my "I Love You" sounded like..

And if you knew that when I said "I," I meant my heart. 

When I said "love," I meant all of it.

And when I said "you," I meant my person. 

There was something so perfect in the way you said,"I love you." 

I knew you meant it.

And it was so easy to tell you because it was so naturally perfect for you. 

It was like you were always meant to be in my heart, so saying those words were automatically yours. 

There was something so perfect about how you broke my heart.

It was like you knew exactly how to do it. 

Because you knew it so so well. 

So as I sit here, still as heart broken as could be, I think about those perfect words.

There was something so perfect.

They fit perfectly into my heart. 

Only to be cut out, ever so perfectly. 

-my heart hurts

I don't think there are words to describe just how much I miss you. 

-missing

Coping

I'm realizing the only way I know how to cope with my own pain, is to make others happy. 

Whether that's by encouraging others or making people laugh, it fills that void. 

There's something truly lovely about making others happy that makes me forget why feeling sad is even a thing. 

Bitter....but...

You used to say how much more you loved me than I loved you. 

How silly am I to believe that could have been true.

when it was so easy for you to walk away without a simple good bye. 

You know my heart and I know yours. I just lost track of where yours was going. But you've always known where mine was: with you.

And as I lay here missing you, saddened, and feeling more broken than I ever have before, how is it that you could have ever loved me more? 

But you needed to walk away. 

Jesus needs you right now. 

He has a good plan for you 

And for me.

And I pray every day we still get to be a part of each others walk because you were my best friend. 

So still I look back & know that we both have this amazing potential to love.

And when Jesus allows us to thrive off that, our stories will truly be beautiful.

Our love has been my favorite story

So maybe its not about who loved each other most, but more about how we brought Christ's love to each other. 

And I pray we strive to be those people.

Because although I may feel as though I loved you more, Jesus loves you most.

-fighting the hurt

The Man I Pray For

This is a list I've been working on for a little while. 

I think it's important that women do this. Now , I really don't expect for each of these things to be fulfilled, but this is just what I woul love, love, love. 

Some may seem a little silly, but most are from the depths of my heart. 

Jesus provides. And I trust him. 

I pray for a man who loves Jesus.

I pray for a man who will pursue my heart and soul. 

I pray for a man who brings me closer to Jesus. 

I pray for a man who is admired for his love for Jesus. 

I pray for a man who sings to me. 

I pray for a man who trusts me and when I begin to question everything, he's present. 

I pray for a man who won't run. 

I pray for a man who loves deeply.

I pray for a man with compassion for people and passion for his gifts. 

I pray for a man who inspires me and those around him. 

I pray for a man my siblings look up to.

I pray for a man who's parents adore me. 

I pray for a man who loves coffee and knows how I take mine on certain days.

I pray for a man who will hold me and not let me run. He will chase me and hold me close to him. 

I pray for a man who will dance with me. 

I pray for a man who will watch I Love Lucy with me. 

I pray for a man with a vision, who is not idly stuck. 

I pray for a man who is slow to anger. 

I pray for a man who loves bread, butter and wine as much as I. 

I pray for a man who wings Disney karaoke on road trips with me.

I pray for a man who communicates. 

I pray for man who is romantic

I pray for a man who likes Disney, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings like I. 

I pray for a man who makes me laugh. 

I pray for a man who prays for and with me. 

I pray for a man who will stay. 

I pray for a man who reminds me of my worth.

I pray for a man who is honest.

I pray for a man who is strong and wise. 

I pray for a man who is a gentlemen: who pays the bills, opens the door, walks me to the door, waits for a text that I got in ok, who waits until I get home before he goes home, who kisses me goodnight. 

I pray for a man that will ask for my father's permission. 

I pray for a man that respects my mom. 

I pray for a man who treats me like a princess. 

I pray for a man who saves me a seat in church. 

I pray for a man with tattoos... I like tattoos.

I pray for a man who is understanding and when he hears my story, he will be forgiving. 

I pray for a man who cries when I walk down to meet him at the altar. 

I pray for a man who knows his worth is in You, Lord. 

I pray for a man who makes others laugh. 

I pray for a man who reads the Bible with me.

I pray for a man who will read to me.

I pray for a man who fights for me. 

I pray for a man who recognizes his gifts. 

I pray for a man who prays over dinner.

I pray for a man who is my best friend. 

I pray for a man who is courageous. 

I pray for a man who is brave. 

I pray for a man who likes to explore and adventure with me.

I pray for a man who calls just to hear my voice.

I pray for a man who surprises me, in all the best ways.

I pray for a man who knows all my favorite things, places and the like. 

I pray for a man who likes to build with his hands. 

I pray for a man who calls to say goodnight.

I pray for a man with big, but gentle hands. 

I pray for a man who compliments me.

I pray for a man who finds me beautiful, all the days of my life. 

I pray for a man for a man who always speaks kindly of me to others.

I pray for a man who adores me. 

I pray for a man who writes to me. 

I pray for a man who leaves me flowers and sweet notes. 

I pray for a man I can forgive any day.

I pray for a man who can forgive me any given day.

I pray for a man in which his hand fits perfectly into mine.

I pray for a man with nice arms and an even better butt. (Shut up. A girl can dream right!)

I pray for a man who dreams about me not only in the night, but also in the day. 

I pray for a man who thinks I'm a pretty sleeper...because I'm not so pretty when I wake up.

I pray for a man who enjoys pizza and just lots and lots of food like me,but also knows how important hitting the gym is to me. 

I pray for a man who holds me when I have an anxiety attack and tells me it's going to be ok. 

I pray for a man who holds me while watching the fireworks, my favorite. 

I pray for a man who will slow dance with me in the street.

I pray for a man who kisses my forehead. 

I pray for a man who will protect me and makes me feel safe. 

I pray for a man who loves me unconditionally. 

I pray for a man who acknowledges me.

I pray for a man who will rap the guy part in "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey and lets me sing the Mariah part... Badly.

I pray for a man who's favorite Disney princess movie is Beauty and the Beast, so our first dance can be to "Beauty and the Beast" by Celine Dion.

I pray for a man who gives me his jacket when I'm cold. 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh.

I pray for a man who longs for my presence. 

I pray for a man who likes to cuddle. 

I pray for a man who is my shoulder to lean and cry on. 

I pray for a man who tells me stories before bed. 

I pray for a man who is smart with his wallet. 

I pray for a man who saves. 

I pray for a man who is a good teacher.

I pray for a man I admire.

I pray for a man who waits for me. 

I pray for a man with a gentle voice. 

I pray for a man who hugs me all the time.

I pray for a man who desires to only kiss me for the rest of his life.

I pray for a man who is my peace and my calm. 

I pray for a man who will hold me while we fall asleep together and who will say a prayer with me before bed. 

I pray for a man who doesn't let an issue go until the next morning. We will figure out a problem until the sun comes up.

I pray for a man who will go to a J Cole concert with me, amongst others.  

I pray for a man who understands that sometimes I need to be alone and is not afraid to let me go, knowing I will come home. 

I pray for a man my friends love. 

I pray for a man who apologizes.

I pray for a man who owns up.

I pray for a man who recognizes when I'm hurting. 

I pray or a man who calls me "Sugar." 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh. 

I pray for a man who's laugh I adore. 

I pray for a man with an old soul like mine: who likes Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole as much as I. 

I pray for a man who will have insane tickle fights with me. 

My Fragile Heart

You have to be careful. 

My heart is completely wrapped up in caution tape. 

She's been tattered and torn. 

And I'm trying to keep her safe. 

Each day is a new struggle. 

Each day is a new one to overcome. 

We wake up sad.

We gain little strength through the day. 

We go to sleep alone. 

I've been so careless with her. 

And you knew that. 

I've worn her, not on my sleeve, but around my neck. 

And when you left, she choked me. 

Hope. That's Hope when she fails you. 

Hope is so fragile now. 

I trusted you with Hope. You knew this. 

She has always been so delicate.

A precious gift Jesus planted in me as a child. 

"Here's your heart, child. Here's Hope. Take care of it as I feed into it," he says. 

Hope and I have been through so much in the past 22 years. 

We've fought battles together, we've been beaten together, we've fought each other and we've also defeated together.

My little, Hope. 

She had so much in you. 

I'm terrified to love again. 

I don't think I can ever love anyone the way I loved you. 

I don't think I ever want anyone to be that close to her again knowing someone had that much power to destroy her.

How can I ever trust anyone with Hope again if they all turn out the same?

Because she's scarred and scared. She's never been worth the fight, just the defeat.

And I am equally afraid. 

But you've tattooed your name to her. 

And I've been trying to tell her that she can't wear your name forever. 

My little Hope I have left longs for Jesus. 

So I will wait for him. 

With my fragile, delicate Hope. 

We wait for him.

- a delicate heart