Go Somewhere

I have this urge.
I cannot contain.

It's longing to be set free.
Because what I see is not in front of me.

It's somewhere that's not here.
And I want to go
And I need to go

Now I have a few places in mind
and it's up to you to take my hand
and fly with me

I've been fighting this feeling
for oh so long now

Now maybe I'm crazy or maybe it's just
these emotions but I want to runaway
Now the question remains:
are you up for the chase?

Don't hold me back
I'll never settle
I want what's best for me
I need to be set free

I want to go somewhere
you & me

Don't Settle

Whoops.
A mistake every girl makes because we become desperate for some
type of attention.

Be honest with yourself.

Does he text you to take you to coffee
or does he text you to take you to bed?
Does he call you to hear your voice or does
he not call at all?

Does he make the effort that YOU deserve?

If not, why are you in this.

I ask myself this question a lot.

And it makes me feel worthless.
Like I'm not worth any effort at all.

So it makes me content with being alone.
When in reality, I want someone to want
me as much as I want them.

Why am I choosing to settle for this dude?
Why can't I see that I am better than this?
I know I am.
I was just hoping he would help show me.

But didn't and as many times as he said it would be
different, I know deep down I'm just being used.

I settled.
It's heartbreaking.
It's depressing.
It sucks.

I would rather be alone than settle for someone
who makes me feel more alone even when I'm with them.

Collision

When I met you, it was like a collision. 

Your soul collided into mine and we knew 

This was something special.

The problem was I ran into you heart first. 

Never looked back. Only forward.

But we collided so hard that we didn't look at the 

Parallel universe we were creating. 

This paradigm of uneasiness came on so strong 

And ultimately left me in the dust

Whilst you were on another page. 

Ultimately, I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your touch.

I miss your patience. 

And I'm sorry for being the thing 

To cause this beautiful collision to come undone.

What I want

I want a man who has a passion 

A talent

A God given formality of some type of vibe 

I admire that 

I like that 

Whatever it is in which he chooses to do

May it be well

Because I like the idea of him loving something like he loves me 

Something he's dedicated to

Something he can't live without 

Something God gave him 

Even when he looks at her, he knows she was meant for him 

She is the thing he is supposed to do 

And I DONT mean in that way 

I mean in the way that he feels

He knows deep down she is his gift

The gift that will make him stronger 

The gift he wants to grow 

The gift he was meant for 

So whether it be art

Music

Singing

Writing

Teaching

Speaking

Whatever it may be

May he be good at it

Because that's not only what I want 

But the gift that I need

How to love her

If you want to show her you love her

Take her to the ocean

Let its vast and mighty depths fill

Every sweet vein and trace of emptiness with a love as 

Deep as the water is blue

If you want to show her you care

Let her see your scars

She's carries them too

A reminder of the pain, the sorrow and relentless guilt

That has been rebuilt

If you want to show her kindness

Bring her to a lavendar field

Let the sweet smell of utter bliss and joy fill 

Her soul with a sweet hint of compassion

If you want to show her patience

Stand guard at the gates of her heart

For even in her wildest moments

There is a window in which she will

Leave the blinds unopened for you

If you want to show her yearning

Tell her with a rose

For every petal, intricately made, 

Is like the desires of your heart

Ones that need to be fulfilled,

Only by her sweet touch

If you want to show her love, do as you would any day

The Villain

I tried to figure you out, 

but little did I know the villain that lied inside

The villain was your eyes

It had the ability to collapse my inner being 

and torment with the desire to seek past them

The villain was in your smile

It was a constant reminder that 

it was the door to unfathmable 

words and whispers of love

The villain flowed through your veins

As they rippled out of your muscular bicep 

and wrapped me late at night with what was 

thought to be a warm embrace

The villain encompassed your laugh

and with each cherishable memory we shared 

I fell a little more and more

The villain kept me company

and in the darkest times I knew 

the villain would be there

Even when I first met you, I never meant to bring out the villain inside.

The Words

Tonight, I read the letters you wrote me

Looking back, they were a joke to me

You said you loved me and you cared

You said, "You wait and be prepared."

Your words spoke to me, evoked me and

eventually broke me

How could I be such a fool when you wrote to me?

Tonight, I read the texts you sent me

When a goodbye wasn't hard 

and sensitivity, carefree

You sounded precise, 

later on quite nice

You knew what you wanted and 

I knew what you taunted 

Tonight, I saw you for the first time in awhile

I saw the look in your eye that read, " Gee, how could I

be so vile?"

It was awkward. You were there. 

It was weird. I was scared. 

To turn into the thing that I said I wouldn't be 

Just a girl with a hope

that you would write to me

The Future Prospect

I've been thinking a lot lately. 

A small tought about the future. 

In regards to the man I will marry. 

People have said making a list helps remind you, when dating, of what to look for. 

I figured I would give it a shot. 

1. He's gotta love him some Jesus

    We don't have to go to church every Sunday afternoon, I just want to see Jesus play a role in your life.

2. He's gotta make me laugh a good hearty laugh. 

    Whether he has some good jokes, makes somw witty comments or even suggests a good tickle fight, I am all for it!

3. Gym time

    Staying in shape is really important to me. I hope I he is apt to hitting the gym as often as I do

4. He does not eat Bologna

   I am ALL FOR eating stuff we shouldn't, but a good salad now and then really hits the spot. Basically, if he keeps himself healthy and knows the basicfood groups, then that is AWESOME. Less doctors appointments and medical visits will help lower any financial instabilities. Stay Healthy, my friends.

5.  Pray with me and for me

     I don't have to see it or hear it, but would appreciate it. I have been praying for him for awhile now and would only hope he does the same for me

6. Pray over dinner

    I think that just seeing my dad do this every night is something I am used to. Any guy that can say a good blanket prayer over a meal is quite attractive to me

7. Watch the tude, dude

    I am normally not an angry person. When something happens that I disagree with, I typically hold it in rather than blurting it out. When situations like these arise, I hope that we can have a gentle conversation about it rather than a "who can yell the oudest" argument

8. He knows how to handle his money

    I will admit, I like to spend....but i know when I need to stop. I hope that likes to save and then knows when to spoil himself ....or me (;

9. He has a future

    And when I say this, I mean I hope he has goals. I want to see what he's passionate about and find him chasing it! 

10. Generous, Caring and Kind

      He knows when to give tithes, he knows when to give compliments when neeed and he knows when and where to hold the door open

11. Still love me when I'm on my period

       I am not norma Alexis when I am on my period, I get way too cuddly, way too emotional and way too bloated. I may even get mad or moody, but I hope no matter what, he still cares and wants to get ice cream or doughnuts with me

12. I might get fat

      I'm going to try really hard but you never know what may happen when I get pregnant or get older! Who knows, but I hope he can see past physical appearances and realize a fat heart is not a bad thing either

13. He wants to do ... it

      hahaha ok, i know totaly random but still something to be talked about. Due to past experiences, I want this experience with my husband to be the special bond that knits us together. I want to save myself for my future husband and not give away anymore than I have already given. It is a speial piece of me and he. It is a treasure and hope that this desire is something that never fades away.

14. He has my back 

      Through thick and thin, he has my back. Whether it be in the grocery store deciding on milk brands or a larger decision like what house to buy he will stand with me and support me

15. He likes to adventure

     I LOVE to travel and explore and hope I can experience these exciting events with him

16. He knows how to drive

      Safely.

17. He doesn't put me down

     Even if it's a simple joke, I tend to take things to heart

18. He holds me

    When i am excited, when I am sad, when I am mad he is there

19. He listens

      With intent

20. We can dance

      because I just really like to go dancing

21. He shares his gift with me

     We each have been blesse with a gift or ablity. I look forward to him sharing his with me and me being SO excited about it

22. We can nerd out together

     I have a bad obsession with Star Wars, HP and LOTR! He MUST sit and binge watch all the movies with me!!

We basically live here.

I love you too easily

The lucky one

Creation

For you.

Knock, knock

Not always lost when lost

The weight of words

Letting my brain spill...

The Eulogy

Hello everyone, 

My name is Alexis Giovanna Ramdhani and I have the privilege of speaking to you on behalf of my Nona today. I know that more than anything, my Nona adored her family and looked at each and everyone one of you as someone truly special to her that was a part of her family. With that, I say thank you to wonderful relatives, beloved friends and cherished family for attending this gracious day.

I would like to share a quote with you that has been constantly playing in head this week. It goes:

Why does God bring thunderclouds and disasters when we want green pastures and still waters? Bit by bit we find, behind the clouds, the Father’s feet; behind the lightning, an abiding day that has no night; behind the thunder, a still, small voice that comforts with a comfort that is unspeakable.

    by Oswald Chambers

Whenever, I read this quote, I am reminded that God is constantly whispering, “She was My plan to help you slow down and learn to be still, child. I often reach you through unlikely people. Just sit here for a bit now while I comfort you.” 

Through each step in our journey, together, Nona and I learned that our God is so so good. He always had a remarkable and beautiful plan that we could never fathom for either of our lives. Nona was the light that allowed me to see each day as such a gift to be cherished. Every changing day, I learned something new from her. I learned Humility when she would sit quietly and listen to me speak. I learned Trust when I knew I could confide to her from the depths of my heart. I learned Patience when even in the midst of hardship, she was always the most patient of them all. I learned to Laugh when she taught me to giggle in face of an obstacle. I learned Joy when she would call my name. I learned Love when she proved hers was infinite.

God created all of us with a specific story in mind. Each one of us has a special gift or talent that he has given us. He also has laid out a certain path for us to take. My Nona has a beautiful story he had given her. One I am so proud to tell you about.

Giovanna was born in Libya, Africa to her wonderful parents. They lived there until she turned 5 years old in 1940. Her family then relocated to Rimini, Italy where they stayed for a year until they moved to Sicily. At 8 years old, she was pulled out of school to help her parents care for her younger siblings. When she reached age 14, her family escaped Mussolini’s tyrant in Italy and went to Benghazi, Africa for safety during the WWll period. In 1955, my Nona left her family to go care for an aunt in New York where she was later met by some of her brothers. Her brothers were able to find work, while she stayed home to watch Soap Operas in order to learn English. Then, in 1961, their whole family traveled to the U.S. by boat. On this boat, was a young man named Angelo Cracchiolo, my grandfather. My Nona’s and grandpa’s family set the two up on a date immediately. After that one date, he proposed and they moved to California.(I have a feeling that on that date, Nona maybe made him her famous spaghetti and after he tried it, he knew there was no turning back.)

Nona started a small child care service in her home and made every child she looked after feel as a part of her own family. All the while, raising 4 wonderful children of her own. After everyone grew up, she got a position at Disneyland where she worked for 14 years and LOVED every moment of it. Eventually, grandchildren came along and I believe this was when she was at her happiest. She absolutely adored us. She opened up her home to my siblings, cousins and I when our parents were away at work. There we would spend hours with each other playing, laughing and sharing heart-felt moments. There was never a night that I did not go home without a large pan of spaghetti sauce and pasta. I looked forward to her house everyday because I knew there was always excitement in store whether it be a fun afternoon at the house or a spontaneous trip to Disneyland. She was constantly telling us that we were more precious than any of the beautiful roses she grew in her backyard. Each one intriqueately created and crafted, being made into something unlike any other rose. She had the most sincere look in her eyes and when she looked at you and told you how much you meant to her and you know you believed her.  She set us as a priority by making the constant effort to be at every birthday party, graduation and sporting event for each grandchild. I think I can speak on behalf of each us when I say that we all shared a special bond with Nona and carry a memorable story with us that we will never forget. 

God’s story for my Nona entailed caring for so many people throughout her life. I am thankful for the unique opportunity I received to reciprocate to her all the love and time she had given to so many. I will cherish and keep every moment close to my heart.

 My precious Nona is now a child again in the Lord’s arms. I believe He was able to use her as a vessel to guide my own life. I can only pray I can do the same for others the way she did for me. She was an inspiration and has brought my life and unbelievable amount of joy. I don’t think it is a coincidence that her name, Giovanna, means “Gift from God.” In fact, I believe it was fate. It was God’s story. And I think most of you know, having met her or heard about her, she was a remarkable gift.

My life will change forever without you here to guide me, Nona. I will miss your warm laugh, the way you would smile at me when I came home from school, how you hugged and kissed me every day as if you hadn’t seen me in years. I will miss you teaching me how to cook for I know I will never be able to perfect the beauty of food that your table once held. I will miss your presence at home, for even in my loneliest of hours I know now you are closer than ever. I will miss you calling me your “angel” and I will rest in the fact that you are now mine. I just know that you are looking down, with that beautiful smile of yours, saying, “I was the plan to help slow you down and teach you to be still. I was the likeliest of people in God’s eyes. Sit here for a moment, for your next steps are great.” If I was not able to thank you enough before Nona, thank you for being my angel. I'll see you again soon.

The Broken

Sometimes when I don't know what else to do, I do what I like to do: write. 

I have felt so completely absent, not only here, but in my own life. 

Do you ever feel like you're just going with the motions, but in the midst you lose complete sight of yourself? You start asking yourself questions such as: Who am I? Where am I supposed to be going again? 

I got asked the other day what hobbies I enjoy I could barely answer! I think that is sad. 

I DO NOT ever want to be a person who becomes so enguled with the motions of life and business that I completely lose sight of who I am. 

Well, I feel exactly like that person. 

I have never felt more lost and confused in my life. 

I'm at the point where I am completely confused as to what I want to do career-wise. 

The other night in my biology class, I was listening to my professor lecture about conservation biology and I was thrilled! He told stories about how he traveled to Africa to study gorillas in the wild and that is something I have dreamed about doing, but always thought it was not a realistic career: to study animals in the wild. 

Since the begining of high school I have planned on a future in chiropractics. I have interned with different doctors, I have told everyone I know that that is the career choice I will be going with, they share their utter excitement for me, I have visited the school I would most likely go to, but I have also read blogs from chiropractors talking about what a hard life it is after graduate school. You come out all high and mighty with your doctorate, only to fall to despair with a lowsy $30,000/yr salary. 

I'm sure that as I grow in the career, I will make more, but what if I get bored? 

You see, I have always had a passion for animals. Since I was a little girl. My super power in all my childhood games was having the Elisa Thornberry ability to comunicate with animals. I can go to the zoo for hours to study and watch each animal because I just love them. My dream would be to travel the world and study animal behavior. 

But I also love health. I enjoy caring for people. 

I feel stuck. I feel lost. Empty. Desperate for an answer. 

But it's going to be ok. 

I will ether choose my plan or my passion.

With time, I will figure it out. 

I think that at this stage in my life, it is ok to be face to face with the unknown. 

Sometimes, I feel the darknes creep up on me and surround me from truly listening, but I am to decide on finding an answer. I shouldn't be so focused on an answer, but rather an attitude. Hopefully whichever way I feel my heart being pulled, that will lead me to where I need to be. 

Along with this struggle, I have been having a hard time wanting to stay home. I feel that I am SO ready to make that move out of the family house, but financially am I ? Heck no. Maybe in a couple years or so, but I realize that maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder. Not that I don't love my family, but I do feel rather cramped. I want to feel more independent. I want to be able to strive for me and live for mself. I think the first step is finding a more stable job, which I plan on doing once I finish massage school! Once, I start saving up......gosh I had a thought. How can I live on my own & want to travel at the same time.....That's a lot of money Lex. Gee....I didn't think about that until now. 

I have DEEP desire to travel. I am hoping to go to Thailand over the summer to study elephants (: 

I feel like that journey may help n my decision of careers. 

Anyways, as frustrating as it tends to be living at home, I need to keep reminding myself that I have goals. I want to travel. To do so, i must save every buck I can. 

I'll move when I can. 

So if you're in the same boat as I, welcome to the club of the Broken. 

We don't know where we are going. Some of us are distraught, depressed and saddened because we have the slightest idea as to where our lives are taking us. 

But we are strong. As our broken pieces mend, they create someone who has endured trial and error while withstanding criticism, battling odds, and jumping the obstacles. TIme is our ally beacuse she says,"Be patient, I will give you a clue." And she comes through.

Don't worry. You are strong.

Lex

 

The Revelation

I had an 8 hour discussion with a friend today. It was more of a revelation than discussion. Im thankful for he, who was able to open my eyes a little wider today.

We talked religion, dating, family, friends, school, money, independence, biology, and a few more things. 

It was great. 

Sometimes, you just need a moment to talk with someone, to listen to and learn about. 

I love these moments becuase life is so fast that we don't always get these rare opportunities. I go to bed thinking about the conversation we had becuase it was so special to me. 

My friend is very wise. He knows what he wants. He know what he deserves and he'll tell you how it is. Fear is not in his vocabulary. He reads me better than I can read myself. He knows when I'm tired, when its been a long day and asks if I'm ok when I cough: he just cares, sincerely. 

Of all he and I talked over, I realized I am only 21. 

I still have the rest of my life to figure out life. I will never have it all figured out until the day I see Jesus and I'm sure he will even say, "LOL what were you doing?"

As for now, I'm trying my best to guide myself.

We talked religion: he comes from a different background and he posed the question,"would I ever date anyone who was not christian?" And I had to say no. I realize that deep in my heart I long for a man who loves Jesus more than me. A man that looks to God for advice, answers and comfort. Becuase through Christ, my future man, can help me and love me better. 

I also realized that other religions are ok. And when I say that, I mean that I should never ever judge anyone else based on another religion. Some religions tend to get bad names for themselves. Like me. I get called "close minded" or "hypocrite." No matter the background someone comes from, Jesus still calls me to love them. I pray they feel the same about me. 

We talked dating: I do not need to feel rushed. At all. There is so much time that I have to find someone right for me. I need to not continue on with the reckless pattern I have already created. It's time to change it. For once, I need to look for the qualities THAT I DESERVE. Not those that are less of what I want and need. I don't want to mom anyone anymore. I don't want to put all of the effort into the relationship. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to have trust issues. I want to be cared for and respected. Ultimately, I want to be loved. 

My dear friend made me realize that I am a broken person. My past is so messed up that even telling him about it made me think,"he is not going to want to be my friend anymore after all this." He explained that that is the past. And that's a good place to leave it. 

The fact of the matter is, is that I'm trying really hard. But I'm afraid that no one will ever love me. The pattern I've had is that everyone has left. I'm terrified of someone falling out of love with me and leaving when I fall too hard.

I'm going to finish this post, I promise....but finals are this week <3