I have felt so completely absent, not only here, but in my own life.
Do you ever feel like you're just going with the motions, but in the midst you lose complete sight of yourself? You start asking yourself questions such as: Who am I? Where am I supposed to be going again?
I got asked the other day what hobbies I enjoy I could barely answer! I think that is sad.
I DO NOT ever want to be a person who becomes so enguled with the motions of life and business that I completely lose sight of who I am.
Well, I feel exactly like that person.
I have never felt more lost and confused in my life.
I'm at the point where I am completely confused as to what I want to do career-wise.
The other night in my biology class, I was listening to my professor lecture about conservation biology and I was thrilled! He told stories about how he traveled to Africa to study gorillas in the wild and that is something I have dreamed about doing, but always thought it was not a realistic career: to study animals in the wild.
Since the begining of high school I have planned on a future in chiropractics. I have interned with different doctors, I have told everyone I know that that is the career choice I will be going with, they share their utter excitement for me, I have visited the school I would most likely go to, but I have also read blogs from chiropractors talking about what a hard life it is after graduate school. You come out all high and mighty with your doctorate, only to fall to despair with a lowsy $30,000/yr salary.
I'm sure that as I grow in the career, I will make more, but what if I get bored?
You see, I have always had a passion for animals. Since I was a little girl. My super power in all my childhood games was having the Elisa Thornberry ability to comunicate with animals. I can go to the zoo for hours to study and watch each animal because I just love them. My dream would be to travel the world and study animal behavior.
But I also love health. I enjoy caring for people.
I feel stuck. I feel lost. Empty. Desperate for an answer.
But it's going to be ok.
I will ether choose my plan or my passion.
With time, I will figure it out.
I think that at this stage in my life, it is ok to be face to face with the unknown.
Sometimes, I feel the darknes creep up on me and surround me from truly listening, but I am to decide on finding an answer. I shouldn't be so focused on an answer, but rather an attitude. Hopefully whichever way I feel my heart being pulled, that will lead me to where I need to be.
Along with this struggle, I have been having a hard time wanting to stay home. I feel that I am SO ready to make that move out of the family house, but financially am I ? Heck no. Maybe in a couple years or so, but I realize that maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder. Not that I don't love my family, but I do feel rather cramped. I want to feel more independent. I want to be able to strive for me and live for mself. I think the first step is finding a more stable job, which I plan on doing once I finish massage school! Once, I start saving up......gosh I had a thought. How can I live on my own & want to travel at the same time.....That's a lot of money Lex. Gee....I didn't think about that until now.
I have DEEP desire to travel. I am hoping to go to Thailand over the summer to study elephants (:
I feel like that journey may help n my decision of careers.
Anyways, as frustrating as it tends to be living at home, I need to keep reminding myself that I have goals. I want to travel. To do so, i must save every buck I can.
I'll move when I can.
So if you're in the same boat as I, welcome to the club of the Broken.
We don't know where we are going. Some of us are distraught, depressed and saddened because we have the slightest idea as to where our lives are taking us.
But we are strong. As our broken pieces mend, they create someone who has endured trial and error while withstanding criticism, battling odds, and jumping the obstacles. TIme is our ally beacuse she says,"Be patient, I will give you a clue." And she comes through.
Don't worry. You are strong.
Lex 
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