The Revelation

I had an 8 hour discussion with a friend today. It was more of a revelation than discussion. Im thankful for he, who was able to open my eyes a little wider today.

We talked religion, dating, family, friends, school, money, independence, biology, and a few more things. 

It was great. 

Sometimes, you just need a moment to talk with someone, to listen to and learn about. 

I love these moments becuase life is so fast that we don't always get these rare opportunities. I go to bed thinking about the conversation we had becuase it was so special to me. 

My friend is very wise. He knows what he wants. He know what he deserves and he'll tell you how it is. Fear is not in his vocabulary. He reads me better than I can read myself. He knows when I'm tired, when its been a long day and asks if I'm ok when I cough: he just cares, sincerely. 

Of all he and I talked over, I realized I am only 21. 

I still have the rest of my life to figure out life. I will never have it all figured out until the day I see Jesus and I'm sure he will even say, "LOL what were you doing?"

As for now, I'm trying my best to guide myself.

We talked religion: he comes from a different background and he posed the question,"would I ever date anyone who was not christian?" And I had to say no. I realize that deep in my heart I long for a man who loves Jesus more than me. A man that looks to God for advice, answers and comfort. Becuase through Christ, my future man, can help me and love me better. 

I also realized that other religions are ok. And when I say that, I mean that I should never ever judge anyone else based on another religion. Some religions tend to get bad names for themselves. Like me. I get called "close minded" or "hypocrite." No matter the background someone comes from, Jesus still calls me to love them. I pray they feel the same about me. 

We talked dating: I do not need to feel rushed. At all. There is so much time that I have to find someone right for me. I need to not continue on with the reckless pattern I have already created. It's time to change it. For once, I need to look for the qualities THAT I DESERVE. Not those that are less of what I want and need. I don't want to mom anyone anymore. I don't want to put all of the effort into the relationship. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to have trust issues. I want to be cared for and respected. Ultimately, I want to be loved. 

My dear friend made me realize that I am a broken person. My past is so messed up that even telling him about it made me think,"he is not going to want to be my friend anymore after all this." He explained that that is the past. And that's a good place to leave it. 

The fact of the matter is, is that I'm trying really hard. But I'm afraid that no one will ever love me. The pattern I've had is that everyone has left. I'm terrified of someone falling out of love with me and leaving when I fall too hard.

I'm going to finish this post, I promise....but finals are this week <3