Why I Think You Should Wait, Coming From a Girl Who Didn't.

I was really debating writing this one.
It is such a touchy subject, but I think it is something to be talked about.

It's something we like to keep on the DL because we don't want others to think differently
about us, lose respect for us, etc.

But there is sin in the world. And some sin, we like to keep hidden more than others.

I mean I could tell you that my second cousin, twice removed is Michael Jackson and I would be lying to your face. You're going to just be like,"Well, Alexis lied. Ok, move on."
I could also tell you I've had sex, but you're going to reevaluate my entire life and then question our friendship.

Anyways, I just want to tell you that having sex is not what it is all cut out to be.
In films, they make it this wonderful and glorious thing. Where pleasure abounds all the couples' problems, issues, fears, worries, disagreements, arguments, and so on.
Uhh, nope.

I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward and tell you that, for me, it was pure lust.
I so longed to be "loved." I so wanted to feel it. I so badly wanted it. That is why when the opportunities came, I snatched them like I do in the grocery store buying Nutella.

Can I tell you that it was just the opposite?
You when you're up at 2:30 am, you go in the cupboard, get your Nutella, sit on your bed, spoon in hand and dig away. Afterwards, is this confusing feeling of satisfaction and sickness.
That's what it is like.
For me at least.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was so ashamed of myself.

I even thought I absolutely loved this guy.
I mean there were other moments with other guys, where there were no strings attached, but those were a lot easier to get rid of in my mind.
Anyways, I figured he loved me, too. He told me he did all the time anyways.
He sacrificed a lot to come and see me when he could. I (think I) appreciated that and felt like I owed him a "special thank you".
This guy took advantage of me. 
And then I watched him walk right out of my life with a piece of my heart in his back pocket.

I can't imagine what God must have been thinking. Like, " Really Lex? Why do you think this dude deserves you? You are beautiful and don't need this fool. Let me show what love really is. Just wait on my time. I have the answer you have been searching for."

Now, I wish this guy would have just said something like," Hey Lex, I made it all this way to come here to spend time with you. Instead of hitting the bed, let's hit the table. I'll make you some coffee. I want to talk to you and get to know you more because I truly care so much about you."

And you know what I've decided, I am going to wait for this man.
Long have I hated who I was I before: the careless and unforgivable sinner.
I have been embracing the wait and the future is already looking beautiful again.

I admire the man who can put aside the desire for lust and long for the treasure of girl's heart.
And let me tell you the truth, men are not the only ones who long for sexual desires. Girls do, too. 
Let's be mindful of that. 
With that being said, I need to constantly remind myself that my thoughts and longings should be ones focused on the man upstairs. 
I have repented so hard and to this day it is still unbelievably difficult to forgive myself for my decisions. 
If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat. 
How can I ever tell my future husband I couldn't wait for his unending love? 
Instead, I threw away the one thing that is to be held so precious. 
The one gift we could share for forever.

This guy I was with now has this piece of me in his pocket. A piece that is so difficult to rebuild. 
I can feel when he throws his pants in laundry, because my eyes get teary.
I know when he is doing something he shouldn't because the rest of my heart hurts.
He knows every curve and every mark, not only on my body, but on that little significant piece, too.  
It has taken rivers of tears, pain and agony to replicate the smallest millimeters of my heart back together.

So, why I want YOU to wait is because you are worthy and you are wonderful
And any man (or woman if you're a cool guy reading this) who sees this glow in you will wait, have patience and respect you. 
And boy do I know that God has a remarkable plan for your life. 
Please don't throw away a piece of you like I did. Stay with God and you will see the beauty he holds for your life.

I'm not married.
I can't say what it will be like in the future, but when I get there I am going to have to sit my man down and tell him what I've done to him. And that will be a hard day. I pray my husband loves me though I have already wronged him. I pray he has a heart like Jesus, who tells me he loves me everyday no matter what I've thrown away.

I want you to wait because no matter what your body tells you is ok, a piece of your heart is that much more precious than the flesh on your bones. 

Please Wait, 
Lex