In The Dark

A couple posts ago,
I wrote about feeling alone and how it is so ok to be that way.
Guess what?
It's gotten better.
I'm in the dark now!

Ya, dude. Didn't see that one coming either.

So, like...I'm not even sure what's been hip-happenin'
I've been going through some awkward stage in my life where I feel like
people are just turning on me. And I kid you not, it's like everyone in my life. Family,
close friends, church family, couple others.

I don't know what the halibut happened.

Going along with my post about being lonesome, that has only increased.
And the worst part is, I've been pushing God aside.
He keeps telling me to look to him, but I've been continuously turning from him.

And you know why?
Because I am so scared. I know that when I face Jesus he's going to be like,"Hey Lex. Ya. People
in your life right now are actin' a fool. But I still love you. I'm here for you."
That scares me.
And I know I'm going to ball my brown eyes out.

And
it
will
suck.

I mean, it will be a sucky time to cry because there is a lot of things happening around me
that I like to just shove away. I have not sat down with the Lord and spilled my guts to him.
I'm afraid of vulnerability, because so many times I've let my guard down only to be let down.
I know He would never do that to me. Ever.

But I'm just Lex. I'm human. I like coffee and I like Cheetos balls in the big bin at Target. I like watching the sunset. I like go to Disneyland. Sometimes I forget to put "to" before "go." Sometimes, I forget to workout. I get mad. I get sad. I get flustered. Sometimes, I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I think I'm ugly. I like the color gold. I wish I had a Lambo. I have a lisp. I can't even say my own name right. I fall too easily. Both for boys and the ground. I like chocolate. It makes my face break out, but whatevs. I sometimes think I'm unworthy. I get lonely. I invest a lot. I like having money. I get forgotten about. I like Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. I like to drive fast. My heart is broken. I like the stars. I'm shy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can be loud. My laugh, dear Lord I don't even know where to start with that thing... I have sinned. Plenty of times.
I am not perfect.

And that is ok.
Tonight, I'm going to face Jesus and just tell him all that's been going on because I am so lost.
I'll keep you posted on how that one goes.


Encouragement for your soul:
What I want you to do is encourage your friends. I have one friend that texts me out of the blue and tells me he cares about me, loves me and wants to spend time with me.
That is THEE GREATEST feeling ever to have in the situation I am in. I am unbelievably thankful for his friendship.
Let your buds know you care for them, are praying for and love them so much.
It could make a day.


I encourage you to talk to Jesus tonight. Tell him what is on your mind.
Love you.
Lexi