Let's Be Real.

Right now, my hands are shaking. I was crying before I could even confront my computer.

I like to write & I was asking the Lord for guidance on writing this. Journaling. Poetry. Essays. Those are my shin-digs.

As I was crying I said to myself," Wow, I am such a child." And automatically the Lord said,"Well, of course, you're my child."

I went to the bathroom to wipe my tears and He said,"Now go write."

So, here I am and what I have been convicted to do is tell you about me.

Please know first and foremost that everyone has a unique story. Mine is no better nor worse than anyone else's. I feel that if the Lord hadn't given me hands to type and ears to listen to his commands, then I really wouldn't be doing this, would I?

So, here I go.

I remember knowing who God was. Honestly, when I was younger, I had no idea that there was a difference between God & Jesus. I mean, I know they're the same thing, but not. You know what I mean? Anyways, I went to church and that's about it. Traveled to many different ones. Kind of just took it all for granted, if that makes sense. Never found a home nor a home in Christ.
I knew who God was. Never really acknowledged him until college.

So, let's rewind:

Elementary School:
I was just an awkward bean (yes, bean) who wore skirts over my jeans with high-top converse with flames on them.
I made a friend cry because I told her she wasn't being serious about our band : Girls Down the Street
so I kicked her out.
I liked Top-Ramen, uncooked with the seasoning all over the place.
I don't think my first-grade buddy liked me. She never talked to me.
My 3rd grade teacher told my parents in a conference that I day-dreamed too much in class.
I never took speech, so now I have an everlasting lisp.

Junior High.
Oh boy, the good ol' days. This is when you finally feel like a cool kid because you have multiple classes, you have lunch breaks and passing periods fueled with blazing hormones, lust and stupidity.
Raise your hand if you were stupid in junior high. (Better believe my hand is raised high.)
Now, I would love to look back at myself today and ask too-much makeup, boy-crazy Alexis what I was thinking.
Self-image. Boys. Drama. Those were my idols.
I hated how I looked and tried desperately to cover it up with make-up. I wore matching eye shadow to match all my outfits. Wearing a bright green shirt. Gotta have my bright green eye shadow to with it! I straightened my hair. Every. Single. Day. (Which I now regret.) People said I looked prettier that way.
I hated my stomach and arms and legs and chest. I was so different. I remember going home one day, going to my room and continuously punching myself in the stomach so hard I almost chucked-the-bucket. (That never happened again because I detest chucking-the-bucket.) I had friends put me down for my weight. That was hard. Friends. I repeat, FRIENDS. I wonder if they know how much that made me cry.
(Que the T. Swift song that goes,"Why ya gotta be so meeeaaan?")
I tried finding satisfaction in boys. I had my first "boyfriend" in like 7th grade...or maybe 8th. I also remember liking a plethora of boys. For some reason, I felt like such an adult...or what was a skew version of one. I figured why not have a boyfriend? What's the harm in that? Well fact of the matter is, I didn't even like this kid. I just wanted in on the "boyfriend bandwagon." I felt bad for leading him on, but my friends were all doing it and I really wanted to be "liked." Did we date beforehand? No. Did my parents know? Nope. Would they have approved? No way!
Lies. Sin. Lack of trust and disobedience were part of my game.
Oh, I liked to cuss a lot, too. Grody dude.

High School:
I feel like High School should be called Low School because because that is where the lowest of the lows dwell. Now, you may have had a fantastic High School experience, but don't tell me you did not struggle with something during your years there be it: lying, lust, drugs, alcohol, etc. The list goes on. You were at a low sometime in your life. (Trust me though, we were all at a High when we graduated!)
Anyways, I was a low low low low low girl. I remember the first day of my freshman year thinking I had to look great because I had to impress all the new boys I would meet. Boy was I dumb.

Can I be real with you girls for a moment?
YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH.
Please know and understand that as I had no idea what this even meant, you should understand that you are so special and so loved. You may not see it everyday, but it is a beautiful gift.

Like I said, my story varies from others. But, I feel this is where things got cray.

I've had a lot of different groups of friends. Good and bad. Some chose choices that weren't really for me and I guess by them not inviting me to these "events" (because somehow they figured I was a goody-two-shoes) was a good thing because I was never really into the whole party scene thing. Drinking and drugs were never something I was really into. Those substances couldn't give me the affection I sought. Like boys.

I cannot give a specific time frame, but there was a point where I got SUPER boy-crazy. I did everything I could to seek out guy attention. I knew what guys and when these guys would hug me and hold me at different periods in the day. I craved that attention and when a guy gave it, I took it willingly.
Later on, I met an older guy. (Not super old, let's be clear.) He lied about his age and we snuck around. Literally, snuck around meaning: I left out of my window.
I got my first insight into what going too far was. Do I regret it, today? Absolutely.

Later later, a guy from school and I got into...haha it wasn't even a relationship. I don't know what it was, actually. We, too went a wee far. Do I regret that, too? Sure do.

Later later later, I met the guy of dreams: charming, funny, handsome, strong, good-looking. He had it all. Finally, he took me on, what I understood, was a "real" date (after I had to tell him to ask me on one.) We dated a couple times, I snuck him into my house a couple times, we met up at his place a couple times, took it too far too many times.
Do I regret that?
I am still learning to forgive myself.
Who I thought was the man of my dreams turned to out to be my knight in aluminum foil. What went from tickle fights turned to hitting-arguments. What were fights in movie theaters turned to be him deserting me in a parking lot. What people were telling me about him talking to other girls behind my back turned out to be true. I was crushed. My rock had turned to play-dough. Or maybe that was him all along and I was too blinded by this ugly, distorted version of love I had.

Little did I know that the love I felt was just that: feeling.
It never meant something.
We never sat down and said, "What is our purpose?"
We never looked each other in the eye and said, "I respect you and I want this to be a glorious thing."
We never looked at God in the midst of our troubles.
Why hadn't I waited before rushing into this?
Why didn't I read the 10 million books my mom gave me to read about dating?
Why had I not seen the millions of signs God was sending me?

And you know what God tells me everyday since: It's done.


Don't forget who loves you most, 

Lex