Blueberries and Sight

Tonight was the first night in about 3 weeks, that I went into the bedroom next door to look at my grandma. Oh, it's been so hard.
With working everyday, I come home exhausted and usually slip on peejamas & hit the bed.
Weekends, I hang with family.
I've been guilt tripping myself though. Saying,"Lex, she is literally next door."
But it's been so hard lately. For a moment, I forgot about the pain I would feel just looking at my grandma.
Tonight that came back.
I'm going to write this to my Nona. This is pretty much everything that was flowing through my head as I was with her. Maybe, she'll get the chance to read it sometime.

Dear Nona,

It's been a couple weeks since I last saw you. And that has been my own fault. I'm sorry.
I hope you liked the soup I made for you. I'm getting pretty swell at cooking. I don't think I'll ever be able to rock it as you were able to, but a girl can try.
Now, for the blueberries. Your doctor once told me that you can only taste sweet things now. Lucky.
I'm just going to say that because we're Italian, we are born with these rich, awesome tastebuds that allow us to eat things with an unbelievable sense.
So, I hope you can taste these. We'll share them though. Some for you. Some for me. They're really sweet!
A lot of times I wonder what goes through your mind, as I sit here feeding you.
Are you aware of my presence? Do you deep down know who I am?
What do you think about?
I'm so sorry that this is your life. Bed. The wheelchair, too.
The inability to talk. Move.
You never deserved this. But you should know, that I think if you all the time.
I wish this was not your life. I wish we could go to Disneyland together again, make some grub and talk. There has been so much that I have learned about myself this past summer that I want to share with you. I only wish you were able to talk to me, too.
What is this life like for you? Are you happy?
Well, I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I just care so much about you that it breaks my heart to see you like this. I'm going to try harder though, ok? I'm going to sit with you more often and talk with you, feed you, look after you. I got your back.
Can you just do me this favor? When I care for you, would you please just look at me?
I just want to know that a part of you still knows me. All I need is for your eyes to meet mine.
I just need you to see me.

Nona, I love you.
I always will.
I break for you and I just need to know you still love me.

With you on this journey,
Alexis Giovanna