The Hope I had

You know what's righteous? Hope. 

We all have hope in something. 

Be it money, sex, a relationship, career, boy, girl, family, friend, you get me. 

I've had hope. I had hope in you. 

My hope was wiped dry though & I can't explain why. 

But the cool thing is that although I face great sadness, joy is in the making. 

That gives me hope. 

Now although we never got the chance to dance in the street, I'll say that i wish you were already waiting there for me.

I wished that for what seemed a long, long time. 

I so looked forward to it. I had hope in that. 

But I never heard the music, never saw the bright lights.

 A truck must have hit me though because I've been in some pain. 

I have to ask you not to care though. 

I've been hit. And the thought of you trying to play the music is going to make me want to dance with you, but I'm lying on the floor. 

I thought this whole time, as you spun me in the whirlwind that was you, that you would catch me. 

I fell completely into your arms. 

I fell into what I thought was a safe place. 

Even for a moment, with you, I felt so secure. 

Little did I know, there were other plans. 

Little did I know, you'd just let my hand go free.

Although we couldn't dance together, I pray for the day we can walk together. 

I want flowers at my door on a rainy afternoon. 

 

In The Dark

A couple posts ago,
I wrote about feeling alone and how it is so ok to be that way.
Guess what?
It's gotten better.
I'm in the dark now!

Ya, dude. Didn't see that one coming either.

So, like...I'm not even sure what's been hip-happenin'
I've been going through some awkward stage in my life where I feel like
people are just turning on me. And I kid you not, it's like everyone in my life. Family,
close friends, church family, couple others.

I don't know what the halibut happened.

Going along with my post about being lonesome, that has only increased.
And the worst part is, I've been pushing God aside.
He keeps telling me to look to him, but I've been continuously turning from him.

And you know why?
Because I am so scared. I know that when I face Jesus he's going to be like,"Hey Lex. Ya. People
in your life right now are actin' a fool. But I still love you. I'm here for you."
That scares me.
And I know I'm going to ball my brown eyes out.

And
it
will
suck.

I mean, it will be a sucky time to cry because there is a lot of things happening around me
that I like to just shove away. I have not sat down with the Lord and spilled my guts to him.
I'm afraid of vulnerability, because so many times I've let my guard down only to be let down.
I know He would never do that to me. Ever.

But I'm just Lex. I'm human. I like coffee and I like Cheetos balls in the big bin at Target. I like watching the sunset. I like go to Disneyland. Sometimes I forget to put "to" before "go." Sometimes, I forget to workout. I get mad. I get sad. I get flustered. Sometimes, I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I think I'm ugly. I like the color gold. I wish I had a Lambo. I have a lisp. I can't even say my own name right. I fall too easily. Both for boys and the ground. I like chocolate. It makes my face break out, but whatevs. I sometimes think I'm unworthy. I get lonely. I invest a lot. I like having money. I get forgotten about. I like Frank Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. I like to drive fast. My heart is broken. I like the stars. I'm shy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can be loud. My laugh, dear Lord I don't even know where to start with that thing... I have sinned. Plenty of times.
I am not perfect.

And that is ok.
Tonight, I'm going to face Jesus and just tell him all that's been going on because I am so lost.
I'll keep you posted on how that one goes.


Encouragement for your soul:
What I want you to do is encourage your friends. I have one friend that texts me out of the blue and tells me he cares about me, loves me and wants to spend time with me.
That is THEE GREATEST feeling ever to have in the situation I am in. I am unbelievably thankful for his friendship.
Let your buds know you care for them, are praying for and love them so much.
It could make a day.


I encourage you to talk to Jesus tonight. Tell him what is on your mind.
Love you.
Lexi

Why I Think You Should Wait, Coming From a Girl Who Didn't.

I was really debating writing this one.
It is such a touchy subject, but I think it is something to be talked about.

It's something we like to keep on the DL because we don't want others to think differently
about us, lose respect for us, etc.

But there is sin in the world. And some sin, we like to keep hidden more than others.

I mean I could tell you that my second cousin, twice removed is Michael Jackson and I would be lying to your face. You're going to just be like,"Well, Alexis lied. Ok, move on."
I could also tell you I've had sex, but you're going to reevaluate my entire life and then question our friendship.

Anyways, I just want to tell you that having sex is not what it is all cut out to be.
In films, they make it this wonderful and glorious thing. Where pleasure abounds all the couples' problems, issues, fears, worries, disagreements, arguments, and so on.
Uhh, nope.

I'm going to be completely honest and straightforward and tell you that, for me, it was pure lust.
I so longed to be "loved." I so wanted to feel it. I so badly wanted it. That is why when the opportunities came, I snatched them like I do in the grocery store buying Nutella.

Can I tell you that it was just the opposite?
You when you're up at 2:30 am, you go in the cupboard, get your Nutella, sit on your bed, spoon in hand and dig away. Afterwards, is this confusing feeling of satisfaction and sickness.
That's what it is like.
For me at least.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was so ashamed of myself.

I even thought I absolutely loved this guy.
I mean there were other moments with other guys, where there were no strings attached, but those were a lot easier to get rid of in my mind.
Anyways, I figured he loved me, too. He told me he did all the time anyways.
He sacrificed a lot to come and see me when he could. I (think I) appreciated that and felt like I owed him a "special thank you".
This guy took advantage of me. 
And then I watched him walk right out of my life with a piece of my heart in his back pocket.

I can't imagine what God must have been thinking. Like, " Really Lex? Why do you think this dude deserves you? You are beautiful and don't need this fool. Let me show what love really is. Just wait on my time. I have the answer you have been searching for."

Now, I wish this guy would have just said something like," Hey Lex, I made it all this way to come here to spend time with you. Instead of hitting the bed, let's hit the table. I'll make you some coffee. I want to talk to you and get to know you more because I truly care so much about you."

And you know what I've decided, I am going to wait for this man.
Long have I hated who I was I before: the careless and unforgivable sinner.
I have been embracing the wait and the future is already looking beautiful again.

I admire the man who can put aside the desire for lust and long for the treasure of girl's heart.
And let me tell you the truth, men are not the only ones who long for sexual desires. Girls do, too. 
Let's be mindful of that. 
With that being said, I need to constantly remind myself that my thoughts and longings should be ones focused on the man upstairs. 
I have repented so hard and to this day it is still unbelievably difficult to forgive myself for my decisions. 
If I could take back what I did, I would in a heartbeat. 
How can I ever tell my future husband I couldn't wait for his unending love? 
Instead, I threw away the one thing that is to be held so precious. 
The one gift we could share for forever.

This guy I was with now has this piece of me in his pocket. A piece that is so difficult to rebuild. 
I can feel when he throws his pants in laundry, because my eyes get teary.
I know when he is doing something he shouldn't because the rest of my heart hurts.
He knows every curve and every mark, not only on my body, but on that little significant piece, too.  
It has taken rivers of tears, pain and agony to replicate the smallest millimeters of my heart back together.

So, why I want YOU to wait is because you are worthy and you are wonderful
And any man (or woman if you're a cool guy reading this) who sees this glow in you will wait, have patience and respect you. 
And boy do I know that God has a remarkable plan for your life. 
Please don't throw away a piece of you like I did. Stay with God and you will see the beauty he holds for your life.

I'm not married.
I can't say what it will be like in the future, but when I get there I am going to have to sit my man down and tell him what I've done to him. And that will be a hard day. I pray my husband loves me though I have already wronged him. I pray he has a heart like Jesus, who tells me he loves me everyday no matter what I've thrown away.

I want you to wait because no matter what your body tells you is ok, a piece of your heart is that much more precious than the flesh on your bones. 

Please Wait, 
Lex 

Dear Ex

"...If this is fate, count me out..."
Ron Pope
Cinnamon

You know what's funny?
Fate.
There was no trying.
If it was going to work, it would of.

So how are you?
Are you ok?
How is your family?
What are you up to?
But really, are you ok?

I think about us seldom.
Remember how much we cared for each other & how much we would laugh?
Phone calls every night. Loved those!
How much we would spend time together and talk about a future.
You were my absolute best friend.
The way you would look in my eyes and would hold my hand.
The way you told me you loved me.

The way you lied.
Remember the hurt?
The tears?
The arguments?
The way you would hold me down.
Jealousy. Rage. Innocence. Deceit.
Love.
Loss.
Wasted weekends. Few hours. Fewer laughs.
What more could you have taken from me?

That was when You took all you needed from me.
While I grasped for what was possibly left of me.

I crashed.
And you left.
And you were ok.

It has taken much time get back what you took away.
What would it have taken for you to be there with me through
drawn-out days?
Through the years that I caved.
Through the nights my soul died.

You shattered me.
I was frightened.
Scared.

I was left in the dark.
No one picked me up, but the sweet hand of the
devil himself.
How could you have just left me there?

So, are you ok?
I mean I get it.
But when did you break?
Were you alone?
Maybe you are continuously shoving emotion after emotion
down your own throat.
When will you stop it?


Dear Ex,
I pray for you.
Neither am I totally healed.

Dear Ex,
No, I am not her.

Dearest Ex,
You taught well.
Love is sacred.

Dear Ex,
I forgive you.
But I can't love you.

Dear Ex,
I'm scared to fall.

Dear Ex,
Do you think anyone will ever love
either one of us again?

Dear Ex,
I am so sorry.
I am just so sorry.

Ex,
Why is the truth so easy this time around?




Alexis

Why It's So Ok To Be & Feel Alone

I seriously love candles. They are delicious to the nostrils. Anyways.

Lately, I have felt the utmost of loneliness. 

Very unwanted, unloved and alone.

So, the struggle has been real as they say. 

But also, I have felt the best of comfort and satisfaction with

being alone. 

Funky, huh?

My nature is to just take myself out of situations. 

Like photoshopping me out of pictures.

Poof. Gone.

That is how I handle things. 

I book it.

Run for the hills.

Peace out. 

Deuces.

See ya later, alligator.

And I'm coming to terms with that being an ok thing for me to do.

I have had to realize that there is a lot of bologna in my life and for me to process 

it all, I need a time-out.

And usually a good trip to the beach will do that for me. 

I first used to think that I could handle situations head-on. Then my heart and head said in agreement,"Kidding, you can't handle squat. You need to call a rain check."

It is very hard for me to give myself breaks. I often don't think I deserve them and that it is just

wasting my time.

What a lie from Satan himself! 

Everybody needs a rest!

We need time to recuperate from a rough week, day, hour, etc. 

Having these breaks allow me to pray, rest and better my spirit for the adventure ahead. 

As for what I have been feeling:

Unwanted: It stinks. Longing for a need.

Unloved: I miss I love you's and I really care about you, Lex.

Alone: Who turned out the lights?

And every time I think about this, I think...

Well where did I place God in the midst of this?

Because he WANTS me, he LOVES me and he is ALWAYS with me. 

Affirmation from family and friends is always a wonderful thing. 

It is the utmost of comforting. 

Even just randomly. I love it and I appreciate it. 

So, I think what I'm trying to get across here is that you are not alone. Nor am I.

And when you want to be alone, you go do it. 

Because being alone and feeling alone are both terrible and beautiful differences. 

I long to be alone because that's time for me.

But I crave company, companionship and affirmation because I don't like feeling 

shut-out.

And that's how I feel. 
In the midst of terribly and beautifully alone, honey.



I care about you.
Lelee 

You're Going to Destroy Me

I love you.
With an unfathomable love that cannot compare to another.

And you will hear me.
You will see it in my eyes
as the way these beautiful words
roll off of my lips.

You will hear it speak through my heart.
With every thump, every lump, every beat.
I will say: I love you.

With your hand, I will hold.
With your arms, I will wrap.
With your mind, I will have you.

But you're going to deny me.

Yes, For a moment you'll think,
No. This cannot be.

You will strike, me
And you will come at me like a force of
of a thousand winds that will carry me
to a distant place.
Far. Far away from you.

You'll knock me off my feet
and I'll cry
and
you
will
hurt
me.

In an endless cycle, you will want me
and kick me and curse me and please me
and be with me
and leave me.

You're going to destroy me.
But I'll do it for you.

And I will see it through
that you know
you are
loved.


-Jesus