What not to say to the girl who's heart is breaking

So, in a lot of past relationships, I have been able to get over them pretty quick because in all honestly, were they even real? No. And I knew I was taking the high road by leaving them in the dust.

This time around though, with my first real relationship, I have had the hardest time with my heart. 

I'm suffering from a deep deep pain. And usually, I'm the brave one. I will put a smile on my face and tell you nothing is wrong, well I'm here to tell you I'm really not ok. I know with time, the pain will ease away but as for now, I hurt tremendously. 

Amongst these feelings I've gotten some great advice, and some not so great advice. I am SO thankful for good friends that encourage me and chase me to tell me they love me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. 

But, amongst some others I've heard some really hard and hurtful things. Things that hurt my heart. Here ya go:

1. "Just be happy."

I simply cannot.

2. "He wasn't good enough for you."

Well, a few weeks ago I definitely thought he was so...

3. "You are going to look back and ask yourself why you were whining about this in the first place?"

First of all, excuse me?

Second of all, hahah excuse me?

4. "The best thing to do now is just move on to someone else right now."

HAHAHA WHAAAAT. 

5. "Next month, I better see a smile on your face."

And if I don't...?

6. "He never cared about you."

That's funny, I thought this was my relationship, not yours.

7. "I don't like him." 

Ya but like....I loved him.

8. "There are plenty of fish in the sea, lex."

But only a few worth every sand dollar I can find 

So these are just some of the hurtful things I've heard. 

What have you heard? How did it hurt you? Because as broken as my heart already was, these things made me shatter a little more every time I heard them. 

So what did I need to hear? 

I needed to hear: 

1. I love you. 

2. I'm here for you.

3. I'm taking you out, let's go. 

4. It's ok to cry. 

5. I made you cookies. 

6. Let's pray. 

7. I'm here to listen. 

8. He loved you. 

Heart break hurts, but if you surround yourself with good people they help mend the brokenness day by day. 

It gets better, I promise you. 

With time and with God. 

In my time of pain and suffering, it's so important to just look up, just look up. 

His arms are open. 

The Days of the Broken Hearted

Day 1: endlessly sobbing in my car, crying at work and putting on a brave face, it's so hard to be happy at the happiest place on earth

Day 2: I can't move, I don't want to get out of bed, there is no point, a good talk with a friend helps

Day 3: I can't feel, I have no motivation, this is day 3 I haven't eaten, another good talk with a good friend, crying over coffee

Day 4: I'm so afraid to feel again, another talk with a friend, I laughed for the first time, and I actually did my hair, I ate some chicken and had some tea, spent the night with good company but I find myself not wanting to do anything with anyone unless he's there but I have to force myself to go because being alone hurts too much

Day 5: this is the first week I've ever gone out in public with no makeup, I just stopped caring, this is the first day I haven't cried this morning, mornings and nights seem to be the hardest, dragging myself out of bed literally hurts, I hate going to sleep alone, I ate lunch & dinner yay!, I can't sleep, I stumbled upon a movie unknowingly & saw your name in the credits, & the love between these characters is much like I remembers of ours, I remember slow dancing in your bedroom, too & leaning in close to you, I can't sleep because I'm mourning all our sweet sweet memories and I'm afraid if I fall asleep I'll be letting them all slip away, I never want to forget my memories with you, but my hearts at 23% and I need to go to sleep, but I'm sobbing over this film because it's rather beautiful, I miss when you would call me to tell me you loved me, I wish I could tell you time and time again that you are the best of me, my room smells like popcorn, I ate some more, my hearts at 24%

Day 6: I woke up with a deep sadness, I ate some toast, I'm beginning to gain back my appetite, there is an outing I'm going to tonight and honestly I just wish he was going to be with me, I wish I was excited about going, I dug back into my bible today & started writing again, I'm pressing into Him because I realize now I have to choices: I can go back to my old ways and seek out really bad men and continue to let myself be used or I can seek out Jesus and continue to let myself be loved, in all my relationships with men I have always been let go, I've always been used, I've always been made to feel like I've never been enough, I haven't felt worthy in so long and this summer Jesus wrapped me up and said "No. You are, my love," and I pray that even through this He will show me goodness, He will whisper grace to me and He will heal me 

Day 7: I cried this morning, I cried this afternoon, I haven't cried this evening but I feel the utmost of loneliness, when does the pain go away?

After a long phone conversation, I'm starting to believe that maybe this wasn't my fault, but what if I would have changed my ways?, what if I would have told you I missed you more?, would that have changed anything? 

Day 8: just so much anxiety this morning, that I couldn't rest well. Then it happened, I saw you and all the anxiety came back followed by a sorrowful heart of purely missing your presence, and I wonder if you're still the same person or if you're changed, I wonder if you still care for me, I wonder if you still think about me, I wonder if you love me still, I wonder if you stopped 

I have a lot of worry about going back to work, I'm nervous because the last time I worked I cried the duration of my shift, so I'm nervous about trying to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I'm falling apart, I can't wait to feel normal again

Day 9: I feel like I am coming to terms with everything, I got out and exercised for the first time in a week, and talked with a dear friend who knows my heart so well, she helped clarify a lot, I went home and journaled and prayed over the things I was feeling, I can forgive because HE forgives, I also had a realiziation or well maybe more of an attacking from Satan, I have te choice to cover up the pain I'm feeling, I could text my old fling and ask him for a cuddle sesh+, I could go back to tinder and find a guy willing to give me a one night stand, but I choose not to because I think I'm worth more than that, I think the lord loves me enough to be enough for me, I also thought back to the beginning of our relationship and realized that what he gave me then and the way he made me feel was so beautiful, and I want THAT again, I deserve THAT, Jesus wants THAT for me, and then I texted him

Day 10: I awoke today and felt good, I feel at peace, I went for a run on the beach and listened to dare you to move by switch foot, it made me run with purpose, Looking back at our relationship I see where we had some downfalls, I'm insecure, I couldn't put all my trust in him because not enough was in HIM, but through the hurt and pain that this summer has brought there has been so much good, I'm ALMOST thankful for the heartbreak because the lord is a good lord and he comes when I call him, weary and weak, I remember sobbing in the car Day 1 and screaming that God would come take the pain away, I don't want to cry all the time but I do always want to call on Jesus in my pain and in my happiness, through all this I do not feel angered and I can't really explain why, maybe because deep in my soul I do love him still, but thinking about it isn't that what Jesus wants us to do?, instead of anger bring forth as much grace as we can?, but I also know that not feeling angered and being willing to forgive now truly came from the lord not from me, I prayed so hard today because today was the day I would see him again, sitting at the coffee shop I was just shaking because I was so nervous for what the outcome of our conversation would be, it turned out SO GOOD, before meeting with him I prayed the lord would give me an ear to listen and that he would open both our hearts to be receptive of each other and of the lord, I prayed the lord would give me the right words and as I prayed I felt HIM everywhere, it was beautiful, I can forgive him, I think we still want to be a part of each other's lives, we just needto be molded for a time, we need to grow, we need Jesus, through the hurt and pain God has redeemed us, I am thankful for HIM and for him

The Coffee Date

Sitting here in this coffee shop. 

I have a wonderful cup off piping hot coffee in front of me.

I'm listening to the ambience. Taking it all in. 

I picture Jesus sitting across from me.

Waiting to listen.

Wanting to hear me. 

Taking out time in his day for me.

My coffee date.

My sweet, sweet coffee date. 

Jesus is a story teller. If you read through scripture, he uses parables quite often.

We can look at Matthew 13 and see all he spoke of! 

His parables offer teaching. His words offer hope. His ways offer life. 

Aside from his wonderful stories, he's a great listener. 

He has an ear so keen that when I share my stories with him, 

I feel his presence. And I feel him near. 

I feel like he smiles when I tell him stories of triumph and joy.

He weeps with me when I tell him my struggles and stories of my brokenness.

And he laughs with me when I tell him about embracing my awkward life. 

He sees me for who I am: broken, but enough.

I like to think of how much he loves and how devoted he is to us.

He is committed to be a part of your story. 

He promises to walk with you. 

To sit across the table from you. 

To whisper sweet things to you. 

To allow you to trust him as your confidant. 

To be with you. 

To make sure you drive home safe.

And to love you. 

So here is my ultimatum: 

Your story matters. 

And I want to hear you. 

Because I totally love you.

Let me treat you to coffee.

Tell me your story. 

It would be an honor to sit with you.

I would love to listen to you.

Because sometimes, we just need someone to sit across the table from us.

Gandalf'd

I'm usually a morning person.
But my mornings consist of walking up at 7:30, making coffee, reading my bible, journaling all whilst under the covers of my bed. 
Except on street sweeping day. 

This morning I woke up with a loud BANG BANG on my bedroom door.
"LEX!! LEX!! ITS STREET SWEEPING DAY!!! LLLLLLEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXX!" from Kaegan. 

In blurry confusion I immediately ran outside to move my car. 
I gazed upon the beast as he swept down my street with a jolt of 4 miles per hour on that puppy. 
He was fast approaching. I knew what I had to do.

And thats where I Gandalf'd him: 
"Youuuuu shallll not SWEEEEEEEEEPPP!" 
from the other side of my street. 

He barely even noticed but I hopped in and drove off, parked and was content. I walked back home and gave a thumbs up to the parking guy trailing him. 
For today. Citation boy, Sweeper Man and Gandalf herself knew today was the day
I was not getting a ticket. Today. I won. 

And was reminded that sometimes, in the midst of all things that are good, like easy mornings, you'll get an awakening that puts you out of your good mood. 
And you just gotta embrace that sucker. You will meet your beast. 
And usually Jesus will come pounding on your heart like "WAKE UP. I LOVE YOU. Go get em, wild girl! " 
And with him, you always win.

Make Me Brave.

Sitting here in this hammock, I am in awe of who the Lord is. 

I am captivated by the amount of grace he continues to show me. 

That is all he has continued to give me my whole life: grace upon grace. 

He has been the great comforter I've needed. 

He's been cultivating bravery in my heart. 

He's been present and he's remained. 

That is who he is: insurmountable grace. 

Oh, Nice.

As I sit outside watching the sun set over the mountains in San Diego, I am full of grief. 

I just heard about what happened in Nice, France and I am broken for the people. 

My mind started racing, asking questions like "How can I help?! What can I do?! Take my blood! I don't need it!!"

And I had nowhere to turn, so I turned to the mountains. 

I observed their everlasting beauty and watched as the sun set over the horizons. 

As night fall came, one star has remained in the sky (or maybe a planet!)

But it has remained and it is beautiful. 

It's Jesus. 

That is the only star that is currently lighting up my sky here in SD.

He's present. 

He is here. 

I prayed for Nice. 

I began thinking about decisions I've made this week....actually the lack of decision making.

Because I have decided to stop making decisions. 

Jesus, it's your turn. 

And I trust you. 

I'm sitting here listening to "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin and what he says rings so true:

You're a good good father

It's who you are

And I'm loved by you

It's who I am

You are perfect in all of your ways

To us

It's love so undeniable 

I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still 

Into love 

Isn't that such a beautiful thing. Can you grasp that?

God is so perfect in his love for us. It is who he is. 

And I'm loved. 

How often do we believe that? 

I am loved. I am so loved. 

He loves you. He loves France. 

Be still and wait on him.

He wil make revelations so clear that when you stare out at your mountains, you will know it's been him. 

See it?

Embrace the Awkward: #1

Hi. I'm Alexis. 
And if you haven't seen my snapchat story from the other day...Let me tell you about my awkward life. 
I was at the gym in the big room ya know just doing some crunches and stuff when I noticed this dude walking up to me. 
"Hey. Do you have the time," he says. 
"Ya..Its 10:30" 
Then he walks away. Good plan. MIND YOU...There's a giant clock in the back of the room. 
THEN he walks BACK up to me and asks what my name is...Little did he realize that I was mid swig of water and as i went to reply I just kind of spit my water out everywhere. 
Luckily, I think I traumatized the poor guy, from being so close to the splash zone, and he asked if I was ok and said, "Cool. Well maybe ill see you around." Prob not. 

Moral here: ladies, if you want to get a guy away from you, just spit your water out..Just spit it out. 

I'm Alexis. And this is my awkward life. Welcome to it.