I don't think there are words to describe just how much I miss you. 

-missing

Coping

I'm realizing the only way I know how to cope with my own pain, is to make others happy. 

Whether that's by encouraging others or making people laugh, it fills that void. 

There's something truly lovely about making others happy that makes me forget why feeling sad is even a thing. 

Bitter....but...

You used to say how much more you loved me than I loved you. 

How silly am I to believe that could have been true.

when it was so easy for you to walk away without a simple good bye. 

You know my heart and I know yours. I just lost track of where yours was going. But you've always known where mine was: with you.

And as I lay here missing you, saddened, and feeling more broken than I ever have before, how is it that you could have ever loved me more? 

But you needed to walk away. 

Jesus needs you right now. 

He has a good plan for you 

And for me.

And I pray every day we still get to be a part of each others walk because you were my best friend. 

So still I look back & know that we both have this amazing potential to love.

And when Jesus allows us to thrive off that, our stories will truly be beautiful.

Our love has been my favorite story

So maybe its not about who loved each other most, but more about how we brought Christ's love to each other. 

And I pray we strive to be those people.

Because although I may feel as though I loved you more, Jesus loves you most.

-fighting the hurt

The Man I Pray For

This is a list I've been working on for a little while. 

I think it's important that women do this. Now , I really don't expect for each of these things to be fulfilled, but this is just what I woul love, love, love. 

Some may seem a little silly, but most are from the depths of my heart. 

Jesus provides. And I trust him. 

I pray for a man who loves Jesus.

I pray for a man who will pursue my heart and soul. 

I pray for a man who brings me closer to Jesus. 

I pray for a man who is admired for his love for Jesus. 

I pray for a man who sings to me. 

I pray for a man who trusts me and when I begin to question everything, he's present. 

I pray for a man who won't run. 

I pray for a man who loves deeply.

I pray for a man with compassion for people and passion for his gifts. 

I pray for a man who inspires me and those around him. 

I pray for a man my siblings look up to.

I pray for a man who's parents adore me. 

I pray for a man who loves coffee and knows how I take mine on certain days.

I pray for a man who will hold me and not let me run. He will chase me and hold me close to him. 

I pray for a man who will dance with me. 

I pray for a man who will watch I Love Lucy with me. 

I pray for a man with a vision, who is not idly stuck. 

I pray for a man who is slow to anger. 

I pray for a man who loves bread, butter and wine as much as I. 

I pray for a man who wings Disney karaoke on road trips with me.

I pray for a man who communicates. 

I pray for man who is romantic

I pray for a man who likes Disney, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings like I. 

I pray for a man who makes me laugh. 

I pray for a man who prays for and with me. 

I pray for a man who will stay. 

I pray for a man who reminds me of my worth.

I pray for a man who is honest.

I pray for a man who is strong and wise. 

I pray for a man who is a gentlemen: who pays the bills, opens the door, walks me to the door, waits for a text that I got in ok, who waits until I get home before he goes home, who kisses me goodnight. 

I pray for a man that will ask for my father's permission. 

I pray for a man that respects my mom. 

I pray for a man who treats me like a princess. 

I pray for a man who saves me a seat in church. 

I pray for a man with tattoos... I like tattoos.

I pray for a man who is understanding and when he hears my story, he will be forgiving. 

I pray for a man who cries when I walk down to meet him at the altar. 

I pray for a man who knows his worth is in You, Lord. 

I pray for a man who makes others laugh. 

I pray for a man who reads the Bible with me.

I pray for a man who will read to me.

I pray for a man who fights for me. 

I pray for a man who recognizes his gifts. 

I pray for a man who prays over dinner.

I pray for a man who is my best friend. 

I pray for a man who is courageous. 

I pray for a man who is brave. 

I pray for a man who likes to explore and adventure with me.

I pray for a man who calls just to hear my voice.

I pray for a man who surprises me, in all the best ways.

I pray for a man who knows all my favorite things, places and the like. 

I pray for a man who likes to build with his hands. 

I pray for a man who calls to say goodnight.

I pray for a man with big, but gentle hands. 

I pray for a man who compliments me.

I pray for a man who finds me beautiful, all the days of my life. 

I pray for a man for a man who always speaks kindly of me to others.

I pray for a man who adores me. 

I pray for a man who writes to me. 

I pray for a man who leaves me flowers and sweet notes. 

I pray for a man I can forgive any day.

I pray for a man who can forgive me any given day.

I pray for a man in which his hand fits perfectly into mine.

I pray for a man with nice arms and an even better butt. (Shut up. A girl can dream right!)

I pray for a man who dreams about me not only in the night, but also in the day. 

I pray for a man who thinks I'm a pretty sleeper...because I'm not so pretty when I wake up.

I pray for a man who enjoys pizza and just lots and lots of food like me,but also knows how important hitting the gym is to me. 

I pray for a man who holds me when I have an anxiety attack and tells me it's going to be ok. 

I pray for a man who holds me while watching the fireworks, my favorite. 

I pray for a man who will slow dance with me in the street.

I pray for a man who kisses my forehead. 

I pray for a man who will protect me and makes me feel safe. 

I pray for a man who loves me unconditionally. 

I pray for a man who acknowledges me.

I pray for a man who will rap the guy part in "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey and lets me sing the Mariah part... Badly.

I pray for a man who's favorite Disney princess movie is Beauty and the Beast, so our first dance can be to "Beauty and the Beast" by Celine Dion.

I pray for a man who gives me his jacket when I'm cold. 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh.

I pray for a man who longs for my presence. 

I pray for a man who likes to cuddle. 

I pray for a man who is my shoulder to lean and cry on. 

I pray for a man who tells me stories before bed. 

I pray for a man who is smart with his wallet. 

I pray for a man who saves. 

I pray for a man who is a good teacher.

I pray for a man I admire.

I pray for a man who waits for me. 

I pray for a man with a gentle voice. 

I pray for a man who hugs me all the time.

I pray for a man who desires to only kiss me for the rest of his life.

I pray for a man who is my peace and my calm. 

I pray for a man who will hold me while we fall asleep together and who will say a prayer with me before bed. 

I pray for a man who doesn't let an issue go until the next morning. We will figure out a problem until the sun comes up.

I pray for a man who will go to a J Cole concert with me, amongst others.  

I pray for a man who understands that sometimes I need to be alone and is not afraid to let me go, knowing I will come home. 

I pray for a man my friends love. 

I pray for a man who apologizes.

I pray for a man who owns up.

I pray for a man who recognizes when I'm hurting. 

I pray or a man who calls me "Sugar." 

I pray for a man who likes my laugh. 

I pray for a man who's laugh I adore. 

I pray for a man with an old soul like mine: who likes Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald and Nat King Cole as much as I. 

I pray for a man who will have insane tickle fights with me. 

My Fragile Heart

You have to be careful. 

My heart is completely wrapped up in caution tape. 

She's been tattered and torn. 

And I'm trying to keep her safe. 

Each day is a new struggle. 

Each day is a new one to overcome. 

We wake up sad.

We gain little strength through the day. 

We go to sleep alone. 

I've been so careless with her. 

And you knew that. 

I've worn her, not on my sleeve, but around my neck. 

And when you left, she choked me. 

Hope. That's Hope when she fails you. 

Hope is so fragile now. 

I trusted you with Hope. You knew this. 

She has always been so delicate.

A precious gift Jesus planted in me as a child. 

"Here's your heart, child. Here's Hope. Take care of it as I feed into it," he says. 

Hope and I have been through so much in the past 22 years. 

We've fought battles together, we've been beaten together, we've fought each other and we've also defeated together.

My little, Hope. 

She had so much in you. 

I'm terrified to love again. 

I don't think I can ever love anyone the way I loved you. 

I don't think I ever want anyone to be that close to her again knowing someone had that much power to destroy her.

How can I ever trust anyone with Hope again if they all turn out the same?

Because she's scarred and scared. She's never been worth the fight, just the defeat.

And I am equally afraid. 

But you've tattooed your name to her. 

And I've been trying to tell her that she can't wear your name forever. 

My little Hope I have left longs for Jesus. 

So I will wait for him. 

With my fragile, delicate Hope. 

We wait for him.

- a delicate heart 

What not to say to the girl who's heart is breaking

So, in a lot of past relationships, I have been able to get over them pretty quick because in all honestly, were they even real? No. And I knew I was taking the high road by leaving them in the dust.

This time around though, with my first real relationship, I have had the hardest time with my heart. 

I'm suffering from a deep deep pain. And usually, I'm the brave one. I will put a smile on my face and tell you nothing is wrong, well I'm here to tell you I'm really not ok. I know with time, the pain will ease away but as for now, I hurt tremendously. 

Amongst these feelings I've gotten some great advice, and some not so great advice. I am SO thankful for good friends that encourage me and chase me to tell me they love me. I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. 

But, amongst some others I've heard some really hard and hurtful things. Things that hurt my heart. Here ya go:

1. "Just be happy."

I simply cannot.

2. "He wasn't good enough for you."

Well, a few weeks ago I definitely thought he was so...

3. "You are going to look back and ask yourself why you were whining about this in the first place?"

First of all, excuse me?

Second of all, hahah excuse me?

4. "The best thing to do now is just move on to someone else right now."

HAHAHA WHAAAAT. 

5. "Next month, I better see a smile on your face."

And if I don't...?

6. "He never cared about you."

That's funny, I thought this was my relationship, not yours.

7. "I don't like him." 

Ya but like....I loved him.

8. "There are plenty of fish in the sea, lex."

But only a few worth every sand dollar I can find 

So these are just some of the hurtful things I've heard. 

What have you heard? How did it hurt you? Because as broken as my heart already was, these things made me shatter a little more every time I heard them. 

So what did I need to hear? 

I needed to hear: 

1. I love you. 

2. I'm here for you.

3. I'm taking you out, let's go. 

4. It's ok to cry. 

5. I made you cookies. 

6. Let's pray. 

7. I'm here to listen. 

8. He loved you. 

Heart break hurts, but if you surround yourself with good people they help mend the brokenness day by day. 

It gets better, I promise you. 

With time and with God. 

In my time of pain and suffering, it's so important to just look up, just look up. 

His arms are open. 

The Days of the Broken Hearted

Day 1: endlessly sobbing in my car, crying at work and putting on a brave face, it's so hard to be happy at the happiest place on earth

Day 2: I can't move, I don't want to get out of bed, there is no point, a good talk with a friend helps

Day 3: I can't feel, I have no motivation, this is day 3 I haven't eaten, another good talk with a good friend, crying over coffee

Day 4: I'm so afraid to feel again, another talk with a friend, I laughed for the first time, and I actually did my hair, I ate some chicken and had some tea, spent the night with good company but I find myself not wanting to do anything with anyone unless he's there but I have to force myself to go because being alone hurts too much

Day 5: this is the first week I've ever gone out in public with no makeup, I just stopped caring, this is the first day I haven't cried this morning, mornings and nights seem to be the hardest, dragging myself out of bed literally hurts, I hate going to sleep alone, I ate lunch & dinner yay!, I can't sleep, I stumbled upon a movie unknowingly & saw your name in the credits, & the love between these characters is much like I remembers of ours, I remember slow dancing in your bedroom, too & leaning in close to you, I can't sleep because I'm mourning all our sweet sweet memories and I'm afraid if I fall asleep I'll be letting them all slip away, I never want to forget my memories with you, but my hearts at 23% and I need to go to sleep, but I'm sobbing over this film because it's rather beautiful, I miss when you would call me to tell me you loved me, I wish I could tell you time and time again that you are the best of me, my room smells like popcorn, I ate some more, my hearts at 24%

Day 6: I woke up with a deep sadness, I ate some toast, I'm beginning to gain back my appetite, there is an outing I'm going to tonight and honestly I just wish he was going to be with me, I wish I was excited about going, I dug back into my bible today & started writing again, I'm pressing into Him because I realize now I have to choices: I can go back to my old ways and seek out really bad men and continue to let myself be used or I can seek out Jesus and continue to let myself be loved, in all my relationships with men I have always been let go, I've always been used, I've always been made to feel like I've never been enough, I haven't felt worthy in so long and this summer Jesus wrapped me up and said "No. You are, my love," and I pray that even through this He will show me goodness, He will whisper grace to me and He will heal me 

Day 7: I cried this morning, I cried this afternoon, I haven't cried this evening but I feel the utmost of loneliness, when does the pain go away?

After a long phone conversation, I'm starting to believe that maybe this wasn't my fault, but what if I would have changed my ways?, what if I would have told you I missed you more?, would that have changed anything? 

Day 8: just so much anxiety this morning, that I couldn't rest well. Then it happened, I saw you and all the anxiety came back followed by a sorrowful heart of purely missing your presence, and I wonder if you're still the same person or if you're changed, I wonder if you still care for me, I wonder if you still think about me, I wonder if you love me still, I wonder if you stopped 

I have a lot of worry about going back to work, I'm nervous because the last time I worked I cried the duration of my shift, so I'm nervous about trying to put on a happy face when inside I feel like I'm falling apart, I can't wait to feel normal again

Day 9: I feel like I am coming to terms with everything, I got out and exercised for the first time in a week, and talked with a dear friend who knows my heart so well, she helped clarify a lot, I went home and journaled and prayed over the things I was feeling, I can forgive because HE forgives, I also had a realiziation or well maybe more of an attacking from Satan, I have te choice to cover up the pain I'm feeling, I could text my old fling and ask him for a cuddle sesh+, I could go back to tinder and find a guy willing to give me a one night stand, but I choose not to because I think I'm worth more than that, I think the lord loves me enough to be enough for me, I also thought back to the beginning of our relationship and realized that what he gave me then and the way he made me feel was so beautiful, and I want THAT again, I deserve THAT, Jesus wants THAT for me, and then I texted him

Day 10: I awoke today and felt good, I feel at peace, I went for a run on the beach and listened to dare you to move by switch foot, it made me run with purpose, Looking back at our relationship I see where we had some downfalls, I'm insecure, I couldn't put all my trust in him because not enough was in HIM, but through the hurt and pain that this summer has brought there has been so much good, I'm ALMOST thankful for the heartbreak because the lord is a good lord and he comes when I call him, weary and weak, I remember sobbing in the car Day 1 and screaming that God would come take the pain away, I don't want to cry all the time but I do always want to call on Jesus in my pain and in my happiness, through all this I do not feel angered and I can't really explain why, maybe because deep in my soul I do love him still, but thinking about it isn't that what Jesus wants us to do?, instead of anger bring forth as much grace as we can?, but I also know that not feeling angered and being willing to forgive now truly came from the lord not from me, I prayed so hard today because today was the day I would see him again, sitting at the coffee shop I was just shaking because I was so nervous for what the outcome of our conversation would be, it turned out SO GOOD, before meeting with him I prayed the lord would give me an ear to listen and that he would open both our hearts to be receptive of each other and of the lord, I prayed the lord would give me the right words and as I prayed I felt HIM everywhere, it was beautiful, I can forgive him, I think we still want to be a part of each other's lives, we just needto be molded for a time, we need to grow, we need Jesus, through the hurt and pain God has redeemed us, I am thankful for HIM and for him