Tattoo Number 1

I got my first tattoo not to long ago!! 

Want to see? 

LOOOOOOK

My wonderfully sweet boyfriend held my hand through all the sweat and weird faces. 

He's just so sweet. 

So the tattoo I got is the phrase "grace upon grace."

Coming to you live from John 1:16. 

"For from his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace."

This is one of my favorite quotes. 

I feel as though it relates to my whole entire life and will continue to reflect on the way I live.

All my life God has shown me boundless amounts of Grace. 

Taking care of Nonna, going through tough times, feeling alone, watching God open up new doors for me and witnessing his awesomeness!! 

I never knew I could love my right arm as much as I do now. 

It feels as though it has always meat to be there. 

I can't imagine my arm looking any other way than with it right there. 

Here's the Thing

Hi. 

I'm Alexis. 

I am a Castmember.

And I LOVE my job. 

And here's the thing. 

A perk of working at the happiest place on Earth comes with some really rad benefits. 

I possess passes, I do. 

But these are not handed freely. 

I am finding that there is a price to pay with being a Castmember.

Denying others....all the time. 

I cannot begin to tell you how often I am asked to share these magical passes.

With people I don't know, with people I do know, with people I haven't talked to in YEARS. 

Somehow, the idea that I can hand these out so freely, has become so common.

And I'm sure I am speaking on behalf of many cast members. 

I feel used when you ask me. 

You've never texted me or called me to see how I am.

It's always just "Hey I heard you work at Disneyland...can you do me a solid..." 

Here's the other thing. 

Because I love my job so much, I want to share the magic with those close to me. 

Seriously...don't get offended if  I've denied you access. 

There really are days or months or weeks that I am blocked and can't help you. 

I cannot sell to you because that is not what I want to do nor what I should.

I work really hard at my job and I want to create magic for people ALL THE TIME. 

And Disney has offered me a really great gift in return for creating this for guests that come. 

And they say thank you to me by offering up these magical moments for my family and friends. 

With that, you should know:

My family comes first. Whenever they want to go, they will. 

I have not been able to even spend a full Disney day with them, because they are all only available on the weekends, when I'm working. So I will get them in, eat lunch with them and then take off to work.

I want to save all my passes for days that I can spend FULL, non working days with them.

 

My best friends come next. Those who are the closest to me. Those who have never ever asked me for a favor. Those who truly only want to spend time with me. 

I'm sorry if this upsets you.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I get asked at least once a week... And it hurts my feelings to tell you no.

Because you have to understand, I work hard for these passes and I feel like I deserve them. Shouldn't I want to spend these on people who actually want to spend time with me? 

I'm Trying Really Hard to Be Happy.

This semester has been the toughest thus far in my major. 

I took on 3 sciences. You heard right. THREE SCIENCES.

You're probably like, "Holy Crap Lex, you smart ass."

WRONG. 

I don't know why the fuck I did this to myself.

What was I thinking?!

I will tell you. I was thinking I could do it. 

I got cocky.

I said I could do it. 

And now I am more stressed than I have ever been. 

When I go to class, I stress myself out so much about feeling like a failure that 

I panic and then I swear to you, I can't hear what the teacher is saying and I can't read what is 

In front of me. The cortisol kicks in. 

And it takes it's toll. 

I avoid stress. When I am feel it coming, I do something else. 

That is what I have realized that I do. I avoid it and save it for later. 

Instead of facing it head on, it is easier to play hide and go seek. 

I hide and the stress will eventually find me. 

I ultimately made the decision not to go into chiropractics.

Which was very sad for me because I have planned on doing that since I was in high school.

And now I have no plans. No inclinations of what I would like to do. 

This sounds real bad, but I just want to make money. 

I think the only reason I was passionate about chiro was because of the money outlook...which honestly isn't THAT good but I kept telling myself I would be that good. 

And now I have no desire to see it through. 

If this was something I had really wanted, I would work harder in my classes and I might actually enjoy them! Aren't I supposed to have desire and passion for my career?

I also am so injured that I cannot picture myself caring for other people if I can't even take care of myself. 

I also realized, going through massage school, that I never wanted to massage people. It was very taxing on my body and I was not passionate about it anymore.

And people would tell me I was good, but no one ever said I was AMAZING at this. 

That is what I want. I want to be amazing at something. I want to find my calling and I want other people to be like, "Oh shit. This is her thing. She is so badass at this!."

But I have no clue what that looks like yet. 

And that is terrifying. I hate not knowing. 

I like having a plan and since I don't, I'm stressed. 

What if I don't find what I am supposed to do?

What if I make another wrong turn?

I am so lost

And so confused. 

I literally hate this. 

But it's going to be ok. 

I will be ok. 

I keep telling myself that but I don't think I believe it yet.

I am just relieved that I finally made the decision I have been contemplating for 2 years that I don't really want to go into chiropractics.

I wish I knew what I was passionate about. That's the tough thing about being me. I'm passionate about so many different things. Why can't I just choose one? 

Haha but I like having so many different passions, it calls for an interesting life. 

I will find what I am supposed to do. I've been praying and I know God was opening doors saying,"Lex, I have another plan for you."

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

Thanks for letting me vent

Love, lex

Go Somewhere

I have this urge.
I cannot contain.

It's longing to be set free.
Because what I see is not in front of me.

It's somewhere that's not here.
And I want to go
And I need to go

Now I have a few places in mind
and it's up to you to take my hand
and fly with me

I've been fighting this feeling
for oh so long now

Now maybe I'm crazy or maybe it's just
these emotions but I want to runaway
Now the question remains:
are you up for the chase?

Don't hold me back
I'll never settle
I want what's best for me
I need to be set free

I want to go somewhere
you & me

Don't Settle

Whoops.
A mistake every girl makes because we become desperate for some
type of attention.

Be honest with yourself.

Does he text you to take you to coffee
or does he text you to take you to bed?
Does he call you to hear your voice or does
he not call at all?

Does he make the effort that YOU deserve?

If not, why are you in this.

I ask myself this question a lot.

And it makes me feel worthless.
Like I'm not worth any effort at all.

So it makes me content with being alone.
When in reality, I want someone to want
me as much as I want them.

Why am I choosing to settle for this dude?
Why can't I see that I am better than this?
I know I am.
I was just hoping he would help show me.

But didn't and as many times as he said it would be
different, I know deep down I'm just being used.

I settled.
It's heartbreaking.
It's depressing.
It sucks.

I would rather be alone than settle for someone
who makes me feel more alone even when I'm with them.

Collision

When I met you, it was like a collision. 

Your soul collided into mine and we knew 

This was something special.

The problem was I ran into you heart first. 

Never looked back. Only forward.

But we collided so hard that we didn't look at the 

Parallel universe we were creating. 

This paradigm of uneasiness came on so strong 

And ultimately left me in the dust

Whilst you were on another page. 

Ultimately, I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your touch.

I miss your patience. 

And I'm sorry for being the thing 

To cause this beautiful collision to come undone.

What I want

I want a man who has a passion 

A talent

A God given formality of some type of vibe 

I admire that 

I like that 

Whatever it is in which he chooses to do

May it be well

Because I like the idea of him loving something like he loves me 

Something he's dedicated to

Something he can't live without 

Something God gave him 

Even when he looks at her, he knows she was meant for him 

She is the thing he is supposed to do 

And I DONT mean in that way 

I mean in the way that he feels

He knows deep down she is his gift

The gift that will make him stronger 

The gift he wants to grow 

The gift he was meant for 

So whether it be art

Music

Singing

Writing

Teaching

Speaking

Whatever it may be

May he be good at it

Because that's not only what I want 

But the gift that I need