I'm Trying Really Hard to Be Happy.

This semester has been the toughest thus far in my major. 

I took on 3 sciences. You heard right. THREE SCIENCES.

You're probably like, "Holy Crap Lex, you smart ass."

WRONG. 

I don't know why the fuck I did this to myself.

What was I thinking?!

I will tell you. I was thinking I could do it. 

I got cocky.

I said I could do it. 

And now I am more stressed than I have ever been. 

When I go to class, I stress myself out so much about feeling like a failure that 

I panic and then I swear to you, I can't hear what the teacher is saying and I can't read what is 

In front of me. The cortisol kicks in. 

And it takes it's toll. 

I avoid stress. When I am feel it coming, I do something else. 

That is what I have realized that I do. I avoid it and save it for later. 

Instead of facing it head on, it is easier to play hide and go seek. 

I hide and the stress will eventually find me. 

I ultimately made the decision not to go into chiropractics.

Which was very sad for me because I have planned on doing that since I was in high school.

And now I have no plans. No inclinations of what I would like to do. 

This sounds real bad, but I just want to make money. 

I think the only reason I was passionate about chiro was because of the money outlook...which honestly isn't THAT good but I kept telling myself I would be that good. 

And now I have no desire to see it through. 

If this was something I had really wanted, I would work harder in my classes and I might actually enjoy them! Aren't I supposed to have desire and passion for my career?

I also am so injured that I cannot picture myself caring for other people if I can't even take care of myself. 

I also realized, going through massage school, that I never wanted to massage people. It was very taxing on my body and I was not passionate about it anymore.

And people would tell me I was good, but no one ever said I was AMAZING at this. 

That is what I want. I want to be amazing at something. I want to find my calling and I want other people to be like, "Oh shit. This is her thing. She is so badass at this!."

But I have no clue what that looks like yet. 

And that is terrifying. I hate not knowing. 

I like having a plan and since I don't, I'm stressed. 

What if I don't find what I am supposed to do?

What if I make another wrong turn?

I am so lost

And so confused. 

I literally hate this. 

But it's going to be ok. 

I will be ok. 

I keep telling myself that but I don't think I believe it yet.

I am just relieved that I finally made the decision I have been contemplating for 2 years that I don't really want to go into chiropractics.

I wish I knew what I was passionate about. That's the tough thing about being me. I'm passionate about so many different things. Why can't I just choose one? 

Haha but I like having so many different passions, it calls for an interesting life. 

I will find what I am supposed to do. I've been praying and I know God was opening doors saying,"Lex, I have another plan for you."

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

Thanks for letting me vent

Love, lex