I'm Trying Really Hard to Be Happy.

This semester has been the toughest thus far in my major. 

I took on 3 sciences. You heard right. THREE SCIENCES.

You're probably like, "Holy Crap Lex, you smart ass."

WRONG. 

I don't know why the fuck I did this to myself.

What was I thinking?!

I will tell you. I was thinking I could do it. 

I got cocky.

I said I could do it. 

And now I am more stressed than I have ever been. 

When I go to class, I stress myself out so much about feeling like a failure that 

I panic and then I swear to you, I can't hear what the teacher is saying and I can't read what is 

In front of me. The cortisol kicks in. 

And it takes it's toll. 

I avoid stress. When I am feel it coming, I do something else. 

That is what I have realized that I do. I avoid it and save it for later. 

Instead of facing it head on, it is easier to play hide and go seek. 

I hide and the stress will eventually find me. 

I ultimately made the decision not to go into chiropractics.

Which was very sad for me because I have planned on doing that since I was in high school.

And now I have no plans. No inclinations of what I would like to do. 

This sounds real bad, but I just want to make money. 

I think the only reason I was passionate about chiro was because of the money outlook...which honestly isn't THAT good but I kept telling myself I would be that good. 

And now I have no desire to see it through. 

If this was something I had really wanted, I would work harder in my classes and I might actually enjoy them! Aren't I supposed to have desire and passion for my career?

I also am so injured that I cannot picture myself caring for other people if I can't even take care of myself. 

I also realized, going through massage school, that I never wanted to massage people. It was very taxing on my body and I was not passionate about it anymore.

And people would tell me I was good, but no one ever said I was AMAZING at this. 

That is what I want. I want to be amazing at something. I want to find my calling and I want other people to be like, "Oh shit. This is her thing. She is so badass at this!."

But I have no clue what that looks like yet. 

And that is terrifying. I hate not knowing. 

I like having a plan and since I don't, I'm stressed. 

What if I don't find what I am supposed to do?

What if I make another wrong turn?

I am so lost

And so confused. 

I literally hate this. 

But it's going to be ok. 

I will be ok. 

I keep telling myself that but I don't think I believe it yet.

I am just relieved that I finally made the decision I have been contemplating for 2 years that I don't really want to go into chiropractics.

I wish I knew what I was passionate about. That's the tough thing about being me. I'm passionate about so many different things. Why can't I just choose one? 

Haha but I like having so many different passions, it calls for an interesting life. 

I will find what I am supposed to do. I've been praying and I know God was opening doors saying,"Lex, I have another plan for you."

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

It's going to be ok

Thanks for letting me vent

Love, lex

Go Somewhere

I have this urge.
I cannot contain.

It's longing to be set free.
Because what I see is not in front of me.

It's somewhere that's not here.
And I want to go
And I need to go

Now I have a few places in mind
and it's up to you to take my hand
and fly with me

I've been fighting this feeling
for oh so long now

Now maybe I'm crazy or maybe it's just
these emotions but I want to runaway
Now the question remains:
are you up for the chase?

Don't hold me back
I'll never settle
I want what's best for me
I need to be set free

I want to go somewhere
you & me

Don't Settle

Whoops.
A mistake every girl makes because we become desperate for some
type of attention.

Be honest with yourself.

Does he text you to take you to coffee
or does he text you to take you to bed?
Does he call you to hear your voice or does
he not call at all?

Does he make the effort that YOU deserve?

If not, why are you in this.

I ask myself this question a lot.

And it makes me feel worthless.
Like I'm not worth any effort at all.

So it makes me content with being alone.
When in reality, I want someone to want
me as much as I want them.

Why am I choosing to settle for this dude?
Why can't I see that I am better than this?
I know I am.
I was just hoping he would help show me.

But didn't and as many times as he said it would be
different, I know deep down I'm just being used.

I settled.
It's heartbreaking.
It's depressing.
It sucks.

I would rather be alone than settle for someone
who makes me feel more alone even when I'm with them.

Collision

When I met you, it was like a collision. 

Your soul collided into mine and we knew 

This was something special.

The problem was I ran into you heart first. 

Never looked back. Only forward.

But we collided so hard that we didn't look at the 

Parallel universe we were creating. 

This paradigm of uneasiness came on so strong 

And ultimately left me in the dust

Whilst you were on another page. 

Ultimately, I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your touch.

I miss your patience. 

And I'm sorry for being the thing 

To cause this beautiful collision to come undone.

What I want

I want a man who has a passion 

A talent

A God given formality of some type of vibe 

I admire that 

I like that 

Whatever it is in which he chooses to do

May it be well

Because I like the idea of him loving something like he loves me 

Something he's dedicated to

Something he can't live without 

Something God gave him 

Even when he looks at her, he knows she was meant for him 

She is the thing he is supposed to do 

And I DONT mean in that way 

I mean in the way that he feels

He knows deep down she is his gift

The gift that will make him stronger 

The gift he wants to grow 

The gift he was meant for 

So whether it be art

Music

Singing

Writing

Teaching

Speaking

Whatever it may be

May he be good at it

Because that's not only what I want 

But the gift that I need

How to love her

If you want to show her you love her

Take her to the ocean

Let its vast and mighty depths fill

Every sweet vein and trace of emptiness with a love as 

Deep as the water is blue

If you want to show her you care

Let her see your scars

She's carries them too

A reminder of the pain, the sorrow and relentless guilt

That has been rebuilt

If you want to show her kindness

Bring her to a lavendar field

Let the sweet smell of utter bliss and joy fill 

Her soul with a sweet hint of compassion

If you want to show her patience

Stand guard at the gates of her heart

For even in her wildest moments

There is a window in which she will

Leave the blinds unopened for you

If you want to show her yearning

Tell her with a rose

For every petal, intricately made, 

Is like the desires of your heart

Ones that need to be fulfilled,

Only by her sweet touch

If you want to show her love, do as you would any day

The Villain

I tried to figure you out, 

but little did I know the villain that lied inside

The villain was your eyes

It had the ability to collapse my inner being 

and torment with the desire to seek past them

The villain was in your smile

It was a constant reminder that 

it was the door to unfathmable 

words and whispers of love

The villain flowed through your veins

As they rippled out of your muscular bicep 

and wrapped me late at night with what was 

thought to be a warm embrace

The villain encompassed your laugh

and with each cherishable memory we shared 

I fell a little more and more

The villain kept me company

and in the darkest times I knew 

the villain would be there

Even when I first met you, I never meant to bring out the villain inside.