To be quite honest with you, I've just had the craziest week. Lots of heartache, pain and anxiety over the silliest of things. One of the hardest things for me is to let my heart seep vulnerability. Isn't it really hard to do hard things? There's this back little corner at my work & Its always been one of my favorite spots that I always pass. I walked by last night and stopped myself. I realized, in the midst of our lives, God provides a safe, sweet little corner for us to take refuge in & sometimes it just takes us to stop where we're at and be enthralled in who He is: providing us with these little peaceful corners. For in the silence. In the waiting. In the unknown. And in the storm. He gives us a safe corner with Him. And when you find Him your heart exhales, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you all along." And you can breathe.

Disney Goers

October 24, 2015 I landed my dream job. Since I was a child I had wanted a job here. My grandma, who worked there for 14 years, would take me all the time when I was kid. I remember walking around, in complete admiration of this place when I was younger: walking down the main street, smelling the popcorn, having one of those famed clam chowder bowls for lunch, spending time with my family, and nearly piddling myself after riding California Screamin’ for the first time. I was so thankful, each time I got to go. Moreover, I loved to hear my grandma talk about how much she loved working for a mouse. And now that I work here, I get to create the same magic my grandma created for me. It’ been a year that I have worked here and I have gotten pretty familiar with the people who come into my magical home. We call them the “Disney-Goers.” We have the Passholders, the Park-Hoppers and the Travelers. These groups of people are the ones we get to make the magic for and more often than not, we find they are the ones that make the magic for us Cast Members. They each are so different, in so many different ways, but they all come to the Mouse’s House seeking one thing: magic. 

The Passholders are quite interesting folk. They literally come from all over the place. I once met some guests on the parade route who lived in New York, but had Annual Passes to Disneyland, just for the fun of it. As you know, any wealthy New Yorker would have. If you aren't familiar with our Annual Passes, they are passes one can purchase that are good for a year of happiness. These passes aren't cheap, and a lot of times our guests like to remind us of that. I can tell you numerous times of guests exclaiming to me, “Excuse me ma'am, I’m an Annual Passholder and I deserve all your fastpasses and an explanation as to why it is so crowded, all your magic and if you could make the line shorter because it is so crowded today, if I could gain access through your exit because I don’t want to wait in this long line because it’s never this crowded when I come, if you have any fastpasses on you by chance because I want those to get away from the crowd, for you to tell me where an exclusive popcorn bucket can be found that was sold 3 years ago, what everyone is doing here and why it is so crowded on a Saturday because I come here 3 times a week and it is never this crowded, if you can get me VIP seating to watch the fireworks show because you know I am an Annual Passholder and I just spent $5,000 to get my family in here and why is it so crowded today?” The thing about Passholders is that although they are privileged enough to come to Disneyland whenever they please, they have no Hakuna-Matata. They think they deserve all the bare-necessities Disney has to offer, to which they do, but they tend to approach us in really rude ways occasionally because they know they have these expensive passes and gain this “zero to hero” complex. Having a pass is like a power trip for some. On the other hand though, there are some pass holders whom I have met that have changed my life. Some have changed the way I work. Some that will be in my heart now and forever more. It's the moments with passholders that make them come back to see you. There is one guest who comes and visits me at two of my attractions. He first saw me splitting traffic and proudly told me that I was, “Working that walk way!” After that, he started coming around more, and when he brings his friends he will introduce me as “the girl with all the Star Wars puns.” I often see him around and I have to tell you, he is just one of my favorite people ever! He even helped me get through a breakup I was going through. He simply told me, “You are a girl worth fighting for.” How he knew I loved Mulan, I will never know, but he is one of the most positive and sweetest passholders I have ever met. I love seeing him roll around in his wheelchair, Mickey Ears on, and ready to bring a smile to my face whenever I see him. Like him, most of our passholders truly do believe that the dreams you wish do come true. And they prove this to me time and time again. 

The Park-Hoppers are our guests that purchase day tickets and come enjoy the en-en-en-nemities of the park(s). Here lies one of my favorite types of guests: the T-Shirt Families! T-Shirt Families are my favorite. You get this huge party ranging from 4-40 family members who come to the park. Usually this is their first time to the park or they haven’t come in years! So when they come, they will exclaim, “What?! There is a Carsland?” Go to Autopia, our drivable cars, and then get told that it’s in the park across the way. That’s when, full of excitement, they will all mutually cheer and just start running. I don't know if they know where they are running to, but they just start running away, faster than Lightning McQueen himself. They all are matching with the same logo and same color shirt. All celebrating either Nana’s 89th birthday or sporting the “Last Name” Family Vacation 2016 shirts. They are some of the most excited Park-Hoppers and some of my favorite. Within this group, we also find just our regular day guests like the First time in Foreverers (first time to Disneyland guests), the What Time is it? Summertime kids (the grad night kids), the Scooter-Gangs (squads of scooters coming in pack to run you over relentlessly), the PDA couples (publicly displaying a whole lot of affection throughout our parks for all the guests to see) and the Nemos (those who are completely lost). First-Timers are awesome. They are excited about literally everything: the parade, the First-Visit pin, the Mickey Ears, the only 60 minute wait, the fastpasses you get for free, the fireworks, the characters, the shows and the corn dogs. I love to welcome them into my home and they are always the most likely ones to use manners! “Please” and “Thank You” are terms that are seldom used, but greatly appreciated to a cast member. Having a guest acknowledge me by using my name or saying “please and thank you” truly makes my day. It makes me feel appreciated and that they have actually listened to the whole safety spiel I just gave them. As for the other day guests, they each make a cast member’s life more interesting with all their little innuendos. They want to be a part of your world and it’s our job to immerse them into it. They want to be where the people are: creating swarms of thousands waiting in Main Street for the fireworks. They want thinga-ma-bobs. Like all 20 pins on my trading lanyard. But who cares? It is usually no big deal. They just want more. Walking around on those what do you call them? Oh, LED light up shoes. Flipping me off doesn't get too far. Hands are required for tugging on that yellow strap. Strolling down along the...what’s that word again? Left-hand-side-of-the-street-when-I-asked-you-to-stay-to-the-right-hand-of-the-street. Up where they sit on our chains. Up where they run when they aren’t supposed to. Up where they stay all day in the sun and our 120 minute lines. Wandering free. Wish they could be. At Knott’s Berry Farm. 

Lastly, we have the Travelers. Travelers: as swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, and as mysterious as the dark side of the moon they make their way around the parks. Seemingly, they know what’s going on despite language barriers and the ultimate amount of culture shock. It is truly a whole new world for them, but they aren't afraid to go the distance to ask you questions like: “When is the 7:30 parade?” “The map says you close at midnight. What time is that at?” “How do I get to the airplane (monorail)?” “You said this was where you meet Kylo Ren. Is that a ride?” “Where do I find Bugs Bunny?” There are so many more, but these have always been some of my favorite Travelerisms. You must be thinking, “Those poor unfortunate souls,” but I have to tell you though, travelers are also some of the greatest folks. My friend and I once came into the park as guests one time and had an hour long conversation with a woman, from Australia, about how odd it is that we have orange cheese. I’ve struck up conversations with many other travelers who tell me about the countries they are from and how excited they are to have this opportunity to be here. They don’t get all tangled up in the American culture, they simply bring theirs to us. They are a beautiful reflection of where they’re from and I love to help them in whatever way I can. 

Working at Disneyland is a tale as old as time for me. I have wanted to work here since I was a child. True as it can be, guests don’t always have the best attitudes. But Disneyland has by far been my favorite job. I know I sound sarcastic in this essay, but I do love our guests. I love to tell them jokes, I love to tell them Star Wars puns and I love to make their day a little more magical. Everyday I tell myself before I go into work that, “Today I have the opportunity to make some magic, grant a wish, give a laugh, receive a smile and make a day.” Our guests are special to me, and when they come to my home, I want them to know they have a friend in me. And a friend in all of us. For they all deserve the same magic my grandma once gave to me. The Passholders, The Park-Hoppers and The Travelers are all unique in their own special  ways. They all paint the colors of the wind quite differently, but they are all invited to be our guests, to be our “Disney-Goers,” and to have all their dreams come true.

Alexis Ramdhani                                    

9/20/2016

Lopez                                                    English 100     

                  Grace Upon Grace

    May 16th, 2016, I laid on a table in a large room. I was ready. I was willing. I was definitely sweating. I was nervous, excited and trying to be brave. But that's hard to do when you have so much anticipation backing every thought: Am I making the right decision, Is this really what I want, What if i regret this? Luckily, I had a good hand to hold to squeeze. That’s grace. Help. Comfort. Support. Grace in the face of pain. I realized that moment was quite symbolic to my life. Having my hand held in my moment of anxiety is grace. I laid there wondering what funny facial expressions I would be making during this painfully awkward and exciting moment, but I knew this was what I wanted. “Are you ready,” he said, and I knew there was no going back. Today, on the inside of my right arm I have the words “grace upon grace”  forever tattooed to me. From that day on, they have remained as a reminder of the boundless amount of grace I have witnessed and received in my life. “Grace upon grace” is what I try to live by, what I have been given (according to John 1:16) and it’s the thing I want to give the most of. There was a time when I thought I had given up on grace, until there came a time I learned my life would completely changed. Ultimately, only grace would help get me through this. It was in these crucial years of my life that I learned to cultivate this beautiful thing called grace. I learned the truth to it, I learned how it has affected others and I've learned how my story has been affected by grace. That’s grace upon grace. It's endless. It's for everyone, and I'm excited to share it with you.

Grace is one of those funny terms that has no definitive meaning. Let's take the term “tree,” for example. We all pretty much know that a tree is a woody perennial plant, typically having a single stem or trunk growing to a considerable height and bearing lateral branches at some distance from the ground (Google.com). You can look out your window at a tree and go, “Yes. That’s a tree. I like that tree,” because, frankly, you know the meaning and association to what a tree is. But I couldn't tell you where grace is. Some people actually carry the name Grace, which is beautiful in and of itself. Therefore, I can point out a person and tell you, “That’s Grace. She's awesome. You should know Grace,” but I can't point to something like a jar of Nutella and tell you that’s grace (I mean in my world it is if we’re being quite honest, here) because grace isn't physical. It's something you feel in your heart and experience with your soul. The cool thing about grace is that everyone truly has their own meaning behind the term. Grace can mean many things either referring to a personal definition or in application to the way something or someone acts. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it states it is, ”A way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward,” or ,”A controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving.” Grace is the presence itself brings. But to some it means,“The free and unmerited favor of God...and the bestowal of blessings” (Google.com). Grace is a gift. Author, Wayne Jackson, from Christiancourrier.com says grace is, “...thrilling beyond words. It shines the brightest in the dark.” Grace is derived from the Greek word “charis,” which means “to rejoice or to have a sweetness.” Even the word grace, itself, is a graceful word! When I say the word, or look at the words tattooed upon my arm, I become joyous and excited because I know how something so simple as this little word has affected my life so deeply.

Like I said, grace has a different meaning to everyone. So, I asked some of my friends and family what the word grace means to them. The beautiful thing behind this word is that it has affected everyone so differently and so greatly. Grace is seemingly flexible and moreover infinite. It is an invitation to everyone. An invite to the party called “Happiness.” My coworker and dear friend, Jenna, said, “Grace is something God wants us to have and give because He has it for us and gives it to us freely. The dictionary defines it as doing honor or credit to one by your presence and that's exactly it. By giving and receiving grace we’re honoring God for all that He has done.” How much more right could she be? Think of someone you love: a family member, a friend, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your spouse or even your pet. Isn't their presence calming? Isn't it graceful? Don't you desire to be closer to them because it brings you peace and happiness? That's grace. That's the hand-hold, I mentioned earlier. (And on many days, that's the Nutella in the cupboard). Another coworker of mine and wonderful friend, Juran, said, “I think it's something you can have, something you can give, and something you can do. It's elegance and its presence, it's forgiveness.” All in all, exceptionally true! Good friends Moriah, Rachel, Ashley and cousin, Melissa, all said similar statements in which grace is not only humbling, but it is, “A beautiful and yet an undeserved gift God has given us.” This reflects the different ways God has used grace in their lives. Some more friends, Samantha and Allyson, stated that it's a form of art: “It is bringing peace and calm to something even when there is no clarity. It is underserved and unnerved but has the ability to ’diffuse a potential explosion.’” It is light in the dark. It is the sunshine in the storm. It is the wind that breaks the stillness. It is the calm that excites your existence. It’s the best gift to give and the most humbling to receive.

    You see, about 8 years ago, my family and I decided to make a change. That change would involve moving in with my grandmother who had succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease. We stepped into her life, not in grace at the time, but in bravery, astounded as to how we would tackle this new adventure in our lives. Boy, was it an adventure. The first few years were my grandmother forgetting things we laugh at when we do ourselves: forgetting to turn the hose off in the garden leaving an everlasting pond in a forest of roses, putting silverware in the plate cupboard, occasionally forgetting names, telling the same story we loved to hear again and again, leaving the front door wide open to welcome the strays of the street, or not knowing how to cut a piece of chicken my mom had made for dinner. And what was so great, was that she would laugh at herself for the silly things she would do. That's grace: forgiving yourself and others for the silly things we do in life. It was in the later years to come that I learned to be still, to be brave and to know that there are boundless amounts of grace to given and to be had. 

    As the years passed, the disease grew. What had gone from simple things forgotten turned to not knowing people, the inability to walk, feed herself, forgetting how to communicate and how to care for herself. She had reverted back to having these child-like needs. But it was here I learned how grace works: I learned to remain still, when the going got tough and I learned to be brave and fight back the fears and tears of what was becoming of my grandma. But grace remained, and although at times I didn't see it, it was always there. Grace is putting someone else before yourself. It's the hand-hold. It's most often times your presence. As the years passed and the disease grew, so did my heart for my grandmother. These were some of the hardest years of my life, but through this experience, I learned that grace truly conquers all, and that I could love my grandmother better by offering her the grace that I knew my faith had offered to me. 

    Everyone has their definition of grace. To some it is a presence you bring about: Being beautiful and graceful in a situation. To others, it's about the faithfulness God provides to you, so that you can give it to others. Caring for my grandmother taught me that grace is beautiful and it is present. Grace is caring with an infinite bliss. Grace is being present in the most humbling way. Grace is being still in moving times. Grace is brave. “Grace upon grace” is tattooed to my arm for a reason. That is what I've been given my whole life and it's the only thing worth giving away. 

I miss you most

There are days I miss you most

And there are nights I miss you more

I don't think I want to ever be in love again

If its going to hurt like this

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt

I'm really damn good at it

But it's night like these where in the late hours of the night and wee hours of the morning

I wish your hand was next to mine

And I wish your heart were aligned with mine 

Why?

Why. 

Why do you encompass my mind so

Why do you always seem to be so present even when you're not so near 

Why is that you have this grip on my heart but no intentions in mind 

Why did you just let me go ?

Why can't I get you out 

Why didn't I try 

Why won't I move on 

Why did I let Hope die?

Why can't we just be together 

Why can't we make us happen 

Why couldn't we have tried 

Why won't we ?

I have all the whys 

you seem to hold most of the answers 

I wish You had some whys 

I think the part that hurts the most is that I'm the one left with whys 

I've perfected the art of hiding the hurt. 

Comfortable

The other day someone read to me. 

And it brought back sweet day dreams of when my mother used to read to me before bed. It was one of the best ways to fall asleep. 

I long to be read to. 

I want to hear your voice. 

Its like when you read to me, I get to read the story that is you. And that makes me feel safe.

That's intimacy, I believe. 

Reading one another. Feeling safe.

Being able to open a story & getting lost in it together. 

I want someone to read to me before I go to sleep. 

Tell me a story and I'll tell you mine. 

Make me comfortable. 

Wrapped in your arms and tangled in your mind. 

Read me the words like I've never heard them before. 

May your voice bring comfort as I lay away.

Comforted by your embrace & grace as you read made a story I've heard a million times. 

-comfort me